me at 8 in an itchy AF dress, couldn’t hide my RBF
to little me, I’m sorry, lo siento I’m sorry, lo siento There are no words that could make sense or give purpose to what you went through it was awful that your childhood was tainted by trauma that wasn’t acknowledged or that your feelings were invalidated by those who promised to love and protect you I’m sorry , lo siento I’m sorry, lo siento and while I know my words are insufficient to lessen the pain and trauma you experienced I’m here to acknowledge it and make sure you can heal from it
When I think about the greatest gift someone can give me, it’s trust. I feel like trust is something that comes with being a safe space for them to share their troubles, their concerns, their most private thoughts with me. The inner circle I have now with my family and friends gives me that and I feel honored that I can be that person to them. It is important to have community and be safe spaces for each other when the world continues to be a never ending dumpster fire.
My higher education experience was different from a lot of people because I went as an non traditional student in my 20s with children. The first college I went to was Gainesville Community College where I received my A.A in English with a high GPA. After that I got my B.A at the University of Georgia. I did horrible in high school barely graduation so when I told people I was going to college, I was laughed at and ridiculed. Still, I was determined and surprised myself. At Gainesville Community college I had to take remedial classes in order to take regular classes. Surprisingly, I loved college and thrived in that environment. My favorite class was creative writing.
graduating with my A.A in English and two kids….2/10 wouldn’t recommend…lol
After Gainesville Community College, I transfer to the University of Georgia to get my B.A in English. That first semester was overwhelming and I felt incredibly out of place being one of the 1.6 percent of the Latino Student population at the time. Also, I was a mom and older so a lot of the time I was anxious and thought “wtf am I doing here, I don’t belong here”. I’d say that it was kind of a traumatic experience to be honest but I was determined to finish my degree and I did just that. There’s a lot more to that story but it’s for another blog posts. I’ve also written poetry reflecting on that experience and here’s one of them: https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/10/09/poetry-small/ There’s another poem I wrote a few years ago when I was in this rage mode about it called, “F*ck You, UGA”. I’m not sure if that poem will ever make it on this blog or anywhere but it is funny. My favorite classes at UGA where my Spanish classes where I thrived and I loved my professors. I wanted to get a minor in Spanish but my Pell grant ran out so I couldn’t .
me with my two boys at my English Department Graduation in 2009
One thing I will say is that I’m glad I did get my degree despite the many obstacles that stood in my way. From my oldest son being diagnosed with Autism my first year to getting pregnant with my middle son my second year to breaking out in an all body rash during last semester of college where they couldn’t determine the cause of it until almost the end of the semester. I was super determined in getting my degree no matter what craziness in my life was happening at the time and I did it. I hope I set an example to my kids that they too can do it.
I can tell when my depression is getting the better of me I uninstall most of my social media apps- Start isolating from friends and family- dissociate to whatever sad songs I have on repeat Today’s music is Jojo and Taylor Swift and I write anything and everything that comes into my head about what has been or is my current tragedy it’s almost comedic how dramatic I can On days like these I feel too sensitive for this world everything burns, everything is a trigger and I almost hate myself and fall back into self destructive patterns Seek out validation of my existence from others it would be so easy to reach out and get help but today, I want to fully feel my misery as it takes over me let it speak in my writing Me, my music, my paper and pen is all I need to get through this latest depression spell
so as I thought about my response for this prompt, I wondered what does constitute as “playtime” in your middle age? For me, it’s every time I’m creative so that means writing or creating content for my blog and social media. Playtime also means finding moments of joy during the day whenever I can which is tough to do working two jobs. I do this by taking my daily coffee breaks at my day job while blasting my music in my ear buds or turning my car radio all the way up while I drive and having my own concert where I sing and dance in my seat. I’m sure I look crazy to other drivers but I don’t care. Lol. Playtime also means joking around with my coworkers and friends about the silliest or stupidest things that occur to me and either I make them cringe or make them laugh or sometimes both. Play time also means karaoke with my kids or discussing poetry with friends. I guess play time in my middle age means trying to find joy and happiness whenever and wherever I can.
I never asked to be born, much less to be a mosaic of trauma, insanity, and creativity I prayed many times to be normal-to be someone else but the day came when I had to embrace the masterpiece of duality and insanity that I am to understand not everyone will understand me to do the best I am with the deck of cards I’ve been handed
On new year’s day of 2023,I have resolutions but they’re simple a trip to my homeland that’s been set in stone teaching my son to drive a divorce as a late birthday gift to myself keep my bangs because that’s really who I am pushing my oldest son to be more independent Continue to share my poetry with the world unapologetically Be wary of anything that pollutes my energy try my best to ebb and flow with the turbulent waves of my emotions take any obstacles that might occur in life in stride make more time for my friends and family become a new kind of brave woman and continue to do things out of my comfort zone to help me grow and evolve become an example of determination, discipline, and creativity for my kids to follow- and continue to inspire others with my journey of self discovery 2023 will be chaotic with everything I’m planning 2023 will be the year where I’m the definition of bravery
silence is no longer an option if I continue to do so, I’d be suffocating the part of me who needs to be heard in order to heal I’d be failing myself, my ancestors, and future generations silence is no longer an option to do so is an act of violence against the writer and poet in me whose purpose is to tell my story, my truth in order to recover
I want the transparency of your being- the stuff you won’t show anyone else the secrets you’re afraid to share I want your vulnerability in our intimacy Even if you think it’s messy or cringy I promise I won’t judge and there will be no need for sorries now that I’m falling for you I want to know every part of you I won’t do what the others have done to you or me I’ll stay because love means loyalty and honesty
it’s me and my trauma-watch out, there won’t be a story left untold
I hold hands with my trauma and show her off to everyone most people look at her with curiosity some people are horrified my family cringes and and whispers to me, “it’s embarrassing, showing her as some kind of trophy” I get mad and flip everyone off and me and my trauma link arms and skip on our way to share her story and create drama and chaos who cares if no one understands our process of how sharing her story is the key to my recovery
I’m going to surrender myself to the source to find my meaning and purpose in the universe It doesn’t matter how many times I whine or bitch about how hard this recovery is- it’s going to be worth it- and I’m going to look back on this journey and will be glad I took my time and didn’t try to jump any steps to get to where I’m supposed to be
don’t mess with a poet-you’ll become her muse whether you like it or not
I give you a yard and you give me an inch- it’s a game of back and forth nonsense one where I respect your unspoken boundaries and need for space until one day the push back from you pulled back into a dark place I haven’t been in a while a place where my confidence breaks, a place where I start to question my worth a place when my sense of self breaks once again and I know right there and then, it’s better to give up whatever this was I’ve outgrown men who send me mixed signals
The ME from June of 2014 sends me a message and asking, where are you? I tell her, life didn’t go as planned-you’re divorced and looking for a place for your ex but your kids are thriving-your oldest son has his driver’s license and is on his last semester Of accounting at Athens Tech- Your middle son will graduate from high school this year- and your baby is now taller than you and becoming his own person You’re working 2 jobs and you’re a citizen now and you’ve been to therapy to learn healthier coping mechanisms- you even drive now-you’re independent as fuck and live life on your own terms you’ve even been to Peru twice- You’re learning to follow your intuition and how use discernment in your choices in how you live your life- you’ve discovered your values underneath everything society brainwashed into you and at the end of the day all you want be is a good mom and a good person that’s the extent of your life’s purpose- now that we know who we are our next step is to plan the future we want- we’ll keep on thriving girl-you were the go getter and determined woman in me Even among one of my greatest depressions You still got up and followed your passions- And you laid the foundation-we’ll be okay-I promise I’ll make you proud of me- Love patty
the outline of her body in the middle of the road- told the most tragic of stories she wasn’t looking when she crossed the street she was lost in her thoughts and the driver speeding didn’t see her and splat went her body death came quickly to her her last thought was mission accomplished but the world thought another victim of an unexpected and tragic circumstance
Life on the BPD 