Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

poetry: the costs of integration

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

the costs were worth it for the peace I have now

I had to give up a lot of fun things in my life
to get to integration
an alcohol dependency, a shopping addiction,
Relationships and sex-
and the last thing was energy drinks
This was all for me to become the mom my kids
always deserved
it was needed for me to meet my higher self
who makes decisions with compassion and love
Instead of out of ego
It was needed for me to start living
in the most authentic way possible
and while I could dwell on all
of the fun things I lost
I now look at it as a blessing needed for clarity
and to make space for this new version of me
who no longer hides her jagged edges
for the comfort of others
Who loves who she is and no longer
Wants to be anyone else
Who finds peace in solitude
and is no longer scared of it
my integration of self costs me many things
I was addicted to
but it was worth it for the woman I am today
for the beautiful life I’m currently living

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: compartmentalization

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

the compartmentalization of life added a lot to the lore

google makes collages of how I’ve compartmentalize my life
throughout the years-
next to a pic of me and my ex is a pic of me and my son
then a pic of me and my friend
for a long time these realities
couldn’t exist in one frame-
it was blasphemous in my mind
for one reality to bleed into another
I never understood how this was killing my sense of identity
and inner emotional stability
That old version of me wanted everything
kids, love, sex, fun, drugs, and alcohol
to be many different people at the same time
mother, vixen, friend, basket case
and everything in between
to be accepted, to loved
and all of this compartmentalization
lead to the worst inner chaos and turmoil
It was emotional torture
I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge
until one day I had a mental breakdown
because of it

Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

poetry: clarity

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

freedom is solitude

with solitude comes clarity and peace of  mind
I no longer rely on the actions of words of others
to validate my existence
I no longer feel like less of a person
because of the whims of others
with solitude comes an understanding
that being alone is the best way for me
to succeed in my recovery journey
because any extra energy derails me
from the woman of worth I’m becoming

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: better

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

hi its me, I’m the love of my life

breathing without a hint of romance is lonely but freeing
it’s a lesson of dialectics I never wanted to learn
it’s a lesson necessary for my recovery from BPD
it’s not good or bad, it’s what I must do to get better

Posted on by pattytacuri · 3 Comments

poetry: outgrowing the story

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

real sound advice

the repetitive compliments, the gross flattery about your looks
no longer works on you-
You’re one “hey beautiful” from vomiting the contents of your lunch
all of these men state the obvious-you’re pretty
And they think it’s a way to get to closer to you
but you scream, “ew” and block them
it’s nothing against them, you just no longer have the luxury
of time to waste it on this type of nonsense to even think
about entertaining them
you’re outgrown that story

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poetry: release

I wrote this poem in November of 2020.

me in another lifetime

Releasing my fears
of the unknowns
and the what ifs
to fulfill my life’s purpose
is a challenging

I refuse to lie down
in a defeatist mode
in comfortable mediocrity
stagnant in a suburban reality

So I release my fears
to truly reach my potential
to prove to others
they were wrong
but mostly to prove
to myself that I was wrong
and I’m worthy
and I’m enough

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: tightrope of vulnerability

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

this is me for real

I close and open my heart at my moods and hormones’ convenience
on a tightrope of vulnerability where I tend to fall off from
and I have a tendency to blame 80s and 90s music and movies
that taught me that if you’re good enough, if you’re pretty enough
the right guy will fall for you and you’ll get your happy ending

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: the last time

I wrote this poem in November of 2022.

“this is the last time I’m asking you why , you break my heart in the blink of an eye”- Taylor Swift

The last time you ghosted me
I finally said enough and meant it
I’m not adding any energy
to something that only drains me
and makes me feel worthless
it was time to let go of our chaotic story
and embrace a new love potential
Who’ll know my wort

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: silly phase

I wrote this poem in November of 2022.

“you got it, we’re nothing, I’m the worst if you want it”- Conan Gray

out of all of the silly phases I went through
I think you’re my favorite
with you I learned to embrace the darkness within
without flinching
with you I felt a universe of pleasure
with you I never had to tone down any part of myself
with you I could truly be myself
no matter how crazy or fucked up that was

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: nothing taste as good as skinny feels-Kate Moss

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

at least I can now wear corsets and look good in them

I’ve starved myself to make my mom, lovers, and even myself
so they’ll love and accept me
I’d go on extreme diets, skip meals,
over exercise until throwing up
and getting excited when the number on the scale
went down
and hating myself when it went up
never quite understanding there’s much more to me
than some arbitrary and unrealistic standard of beauty
I’ll never be able to attain
there’s much more to me than how I fill out a tight dress
and yet, I still check the scale every once in a while
to measure my worth

Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

poetry: I need you now

I wrote this poem in November of 2022.

“it’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now”- Lady A

I hope that when you hear that song, you think of that moment
when you sat across from me in that restaurant
and you saw my inner conflict residing inside of me
And you gave me permission to leave
and then you touched my hand as that song played
our spark was ignited, and it was too late
I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave
I needed to continue our chaotic whatevership

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: shame

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

this little girl deserved better

my past is clouded in shame over secrets
that were never my responsibilities
or a burden to bear
and all to keep up appearances
that we were a normal and happy family
and normal and happy families
don’t talk about addiction or mental illness

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: my favorite memory

I wrote this poem in November of 2022.

“still I think of all the bloodshed somehow bittersweet”- Conan Gray

My favorite memory of us will be of us falling in your bathtub
and the laughter and love that ensued after-
it was almost a tragedy that ended as comedy
and it was one of our last memories
before we both decided that it was better to block each other
from each other’s universe
and while I still think of you from time to time-
it’s no longer with resentment or anger I once had
it’s with only fondness in my heart of the mess
we were together

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: chains

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

I always manage to find a way to survive

The invisible chains of my mental illness try to take away my joy
and enthusiasm but I shake off my chains
and live as fully as I can
Despite my anxiety,
Despite my depression,
Despite my BPD trying to grab hold of me
I no longer allow my inner demons rob me
of the goodness that universe has to offer me

Posted on by pattytacuri · 1 Comment

poetry: distraction

I wrote this poem in November of 2022.

“I’m not sorry, I wouldn’t change a thing” -Conan Gray

I never loved you, you were a distraction
an escape from my suburban mommy life
I wanted to feel sexy, still young and fun
so I used you to make me feel alive
to awaken the sexy vixen in me
the one I had sacrificed when I fell in the stability
of a relationship
and now I look back on it
You did nothing wrong, you were just a scapegoat
a villain I need in my story of love and lust
to not feel shame and guilt