I wrote this poem in October of 2020. This one was really hard to post because of the content that includes sexual assault but I believe it’s important to share this part of my story.
so true
There was no way out- and so I pretended – I acted the part of a willful lover even when I wasn’t willing
There was no way out And he refused to read -the subtle hints of no -in between the lines of forced complacency
There was no way out And he kept taking me Every which way he wanted Even when my whimpers turned into sobs
There was no way out and I was terrified I needed to let him have my body to save my life
“I should have known it was strange, you only come out at night”- Olivia Rodrigo
I never paid much attention to where I put my body I never really cared as long as my sexual needs were met as long it was called sexy but this habit hurt me over and over again Until one day I was trapped and couldn’t breathe and I watched my body from afar being desecrated by the person who claimed to love me after that day- I grew protective of my precious body ran away from anyone who might hurt it my body is too much of a masterpiece for me to allow it to ever be defiled and disrespected in the name of “love”
I wrote this about my ex Juan in the year 2000.Juan was an interesting character. I met him in October of 1999 while I was working at a gas station. We dated from October to December. He was either super charismatic or I was super dumb. We had fun. Since we lived with our parents, we had to be creative as to where we would have sex. I remember one time we had sex at work during my shift on my boss’ desk. Lol. However, Juan also conned me out of almost $3000 I had saved up saying his family needed the money. I hated myself afterwards. I also cheated on him with Sam. Anyways, Juan ghosted me in December and tried to come back sometime around January or February of the next year. I agreed to meet him because I was interested in getting my money back. Well, I got in his car and while he was driving around my neighborhood, he kept trying to put his hand in between my legs. I kept pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop and kept getting more aggressive. Idk how but eventually I gathered my strength and anger and elbowed him in the crotch and managed to get out of the moving car. I never heard from him again. I should have been traumatized from that incident but I wasn’t. I think that while I was in the car with him, I was more pissed than scared of him. Looking back at this incident, it feels crazy that this didn’t affect me.
Me and Juan in November of 99Not a lie…lol
My dear amor How can I tell you? That I no longer love you How can I hurt you? By saying that all of the extraordinary feeling I once felt have gone and faded away from my heart and soul It’s not that I’ve falling in love with someone new It’s just that our special bond has been broken in two When you use to kiss me I used to think I was in heaven Now I just feel empty So sorry to say, but baby you’re fired
Life on the BPD 