I wrote this in 2019 when I was reflecting about the way men have often objectified in a way thatthey almost always seem to just want the fun and sexy part of me but seem to often have problems seeing the rest of me. I’ve almost always felt like I’ve been good enough to be their lover but never good enough to be introduced to their mother. Do I still feel this way? I honestly don’t know. I like the attention and validation I get from men because of my looks but sometimes it feels so hollow.
I wrote this in April 2002 after sleeping with Lucas for the first time. This situation was fucked up and crazy for many reasons but that’s another story time blog post. Let’s just say that I’m not great at making the best life choices at times.
I finally fucked the forbidden married man It was good, it was great it was wonderful It was a heaven full of ecstasy It was dirty, it was shameful it was ugly It was a hell full of guilt
I wrote this in November of 2002. November was such a chaotic month that year that I don’t remember who wrote this about. I think it was probably a one night stand that I had a connection with. It’s obvious that I read way too much into the situation than I should have.
My mind tries to forget Everything that happened last night But my heart puts up a fight My mind tells me it’s wrong and a mistake But my heart yells that it wasn’t just sex But it was also fate My mind considers it a lost cause but my heart finds a love feeling once lost
For the thirsty Thursday before Valentine’s Day, I have a sexy playlist for y’all. I’m a very sensual person which should be obvious from reading my blog. I’ve have had different types of sex from one night stands to FWBs to bdsm partners to longterm romantic partners. I’m not in any way ashamed of my sexual adventures. I’mactually proud of my versatility in my sexual adventures that I’ve had for more than 2 decades. It’s one of the perks of my BPD, my hypersexuality. The way I see it, when I get to be an old woman in my 90’s I won’t regret looking back on my life wishing I had tried a certain sexual experience because chances are I’ve probably tried it. Now, have I been slut shamed and judged for my adventurous sex life? Oh yeah, I’ve been slut shamed many, many times since I started having sex and as recently as last year. I could write more about slut shaming but that’s another blog post. Sex for me is one of the best things in life. And I’m not just talking with a partner;I’m also talking about sexy self love with your plastic boyfriend from Amazon (aka your vibrator) and a fantasy in mind. This playlist can be played while you’re fucking or making love to your partner or masturbating. It could be played whether you feel like a sensual princess or a seductive Queen.In the words of George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is fun…not everybody does it but everybody should”. Also, as someone that works for Public Health, I will tell you to get tested for STI/HIV on a regular basis if you are sexually active and always, always use protection.
The ones in bold really get me going:
Dress -Taylor Swift PILLOWTALK-Zayn Need You Tonight-INXS Anywhere-112 Trumpets-Jason Derulo Earned It -The Weekend I Touch Myself -Divinyls Come and Talk to Me-Jodeci Any Time, Any Place- Janet Jackson Doin’ It-LL Cool J God is a woman-Ariana Grande Whip Appeal-Babyface Good For You-Selena Gomez I’ll Make Love To You-Boyz II Men Heaven-Julia Michaels Lights Down Low-MAX Red Light Special-TLC Sexual Healing-Marvin Gaye I Wanna Sex You Up-Color Me Badd Leave The Door Open-Bruno Mars I Want Your Sex-George Michael Like a Prayer- Madonna Freak Like Me-Adina Howard WAP-Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion Love You Down-Ready For The Word
I wrote this in November 2002 after a seeing my one of my exes. Chronic feelings of emptiness are one of the symptoms of BPD and in the past I’ve tried to escape it with alcohol or sex. I tried sex this time and it didn’t work.
She wants to enjoy herself as his once familiar hands and lips explore her body But she can’t
He kisses her breasts and she feels nothing
His hands touch those special turn -on places in her body And her body remains cold and numb
Then she realizes this meaningless act of intimacy she uses to satisfy her body’s urges is no longer enough
She now needs something more, she is frightened but the newfound emptiness Of it all She realizes she need love
I wrote this in June of 2002 about Lucas after I had slept with him for the last time. I’m pretty sure that this was after I had started dating Damon. I guess I was looking for love wherever I could get it.
After making love to him I lie awake in his arms And the only thought that crosses thru my mind is that “I want to stay here With you my love”
But even wishing something like that Would be violated by our complicated lives And maybe even regretful sacrifices
So I lie in bed in a life that is anything but the truth and wonder to myself
If to you, I will ever be worth more Than just your special friend
After breaking up with Ron while dealing with the whole Lucas drama, I was very impulsive and emotional. I wanted to escape from what I was feeling so I thought it would be a great idea to meet a new dude at a bar and hook up with him. His name was Damon and it would end up being yet another unstable relationship. This poem was written in June of 2002 right after meeting Damon.
Got drunk last night and somehow ended up Naked and vulnerable in some guy’s bed We know what happened next I gave in to mine and his desires Not sure why I did But everything felt so damn good I just couldn’t stop Even though I knew that that it was so wrong
I wrote this in 1997 after a really strange situation after a hookup. So I hooked up with this guy I met off the internet and he was 19 and in the Air Force. Well it turned out that his girlfriend (a freshman) went to the high school I went to and she found out and confronted me about it. I had so many feelings of shame and guilt. Looking back on it, this dude was a predator dating/hooking up high school girls. Ick!
You thought it would be fun To use me as a hit and run Thought you would never see me again You thought it was great Just to use me to mate Thought you wouldn’t hurt anyone You thought no one would find out about our little love bout Thought it would be fine After you crossed that thin line Between friendship and something more Little would I know How much it would hurt me so To let you take me away In your warm embrace Little would I see How bad you would be for me to be led by your persuasion into your lust filled creation
I wrote this in November of 1999 after I met Sam, this guy who ended up being my FWB for almost a year. We hooked up that first night in his car. He was honest about being in a relationship but Idk…I guess hormones took over. Lol.
I can’t stop thinking About how our bodies started linking Movie, dinner, a walk under the stars I never thought our date would go so far You told me you had someone in Miami I knew you were suppose to be off limits to me But once I felt your delicious kiss I knew I could no longer resist So I surrendered myself To the lust I felt
This poem was about “M” and I wrote it in 2000. I had convinced my parents to take me to see him at his University which was about an hour and 15 minutes away and I went to his dorm room and we had sex and then he tells me, “I’m not serious about you, I just want to be your friend” I was pissed and upset. I don’t know how but I guess I kept in contact with him and it I remember how awful it was. Ugh. And this is why I can’t be friends with exes.
I still remember the hurtful words You said to me After making love “I’m not serious about you. I just want to be your friend” That’s when my whole world came to an end I drowned in an ocean of my own tears you had awaken my biggest fear That you wanted my body And not all of me It’s too bad That to you I was just a passing fad
I wrote this in 2000 about this guy I had met off the internet that we’ll call “M”. I wrote this after the first time I met him and felt this crazy chemistry with him and of course my idealistic 19 year old self thought that it was love at first sight. Haha. That wouldn’t be true.
I guess it must have been fate that brought me someone so great Someone who could be both my lover and my friend Whose delicious kiss I will never forget Someone who is wonderful and not full of bull Someone who makes me smile and can get me real wild These and many other reasons are why I’m so happy to call you my special guy
7 O’clock came and you were there To pick me up from from work My feet hurt So you carried me to the car You drove me to your home And took me to your room Your friends were there we waited until they left you put on some music And we danced And as our bodies swayed to the music Your hands played with my body like an instrument you had learned on master on the first try They knew how to touch all of the right places That sent wild shivers throughout my whole body Clothes started to become undone And were on the floor in a matter of minutes we danced with our heated bodies as they longed to become whole
I wrote this poem about my oldest son’s dad about the night I met him. I was obviously infatuated right away as 16 year olds tend to be. He was 21 and I was 16 and that situation was really predatory but at that time, I didn’t think nothing of it.
That night You took my sweaty hands into yours And my heart started beating fast and furiously
That night I looked into your sincere and beautiful brown eyes And knew that you were for real
That night You put your arms around me And made everything seemed possible
That night You kissed me gently And worked your way up to my lips
That night You professed your love to me And made time stand still
That night I found what I was looking for In your arms, that night