my exes are scared of me for good reason too many times I’ve used their words, even their emails as ammunition in expressing myself in poetry sometimes, it was for revenge Many times, it was me just trying to heal but I did warn most of them –I’m a writer–and I’m crazy they probably thought “Oh how cute, a girl who writes a few verses” they never understood how my wrath showed up in my writing until they leave and finally understand they should have heeded my warning
” I was your willing accomplice, honey”- Olivia Rodrigo
Your love comes and goes like the most sudden and violent gusts of wind I try to stay in my calm and peaceful place But I am swept away in your chaos that bring me to the highest mountain of lust,intimacy, and love I want to stay here I want to die here in the heaven that is your arms and your lips But you continually push me away You dispose of me like trash not caring about my inner destruction You break me heart into millions of pieces Everytime I try to give myself to you Your love, your toxic love Swallows me up and spits me up out only to break me over and over again
Beneath the fallen leaves lies my footprints and the footprints of lives unknown on roads taken with regrets Beneath the fallen leaves lies the stories from the trash not picked up-a used condom here, a hair tie there a letter lost Beneath the fallen leaves lies everything unsaid and tears that have fallen
I wasted too much time in comparing myself to other women and blaming them when my exes chose them and allowed my jealousy and rage to speak for me Never understanding how they were all just innocent bystanders in my complicated and chaotic love stories I’m sorry, I didn’t know any better and I wasn’t mature enough to take accountability and it was easier to use y’all as scapegoats when I lost war after war of love- It was easier to say you won because I wasn’t educated and white like you In reality, I should’ve used my ammunition only towards my exes It was never y’alls fight to be a part of even if some of them used y’all as an excuse for their departure I’m so sorry, anna, david’s ex-wife, my ex metamours, maybe my message will come to you in a dream or you’ll see this poem in my blog one day and be able to forgive me
I give you a yard, and you give me an inch- it’s a game of back and forth nonsense one where I respect your unspoken boundaries and need for space until one day the push back from you pulled back into a dark place I haven’t been in a while a place where my confidence breaks, a place where I start to question my worth a place when my sense of self breaks once again and I know right there, and then, it’s better to give up whatever this was I’ve outgrown men who send me mixed signals
were we the bonnie and clyde of toxic relationships ? you setting up and detonating love bombs in my heart and making me explode in rage every time you left and me encouraging you with every reunion because I loved you, because I didn’t want to be alone so I went along with your emotional crimes every time Until one day, I learned my worth and blocked your energy from my universe
I try on grace and self compassion thinking of the many times I wanted to be someone else Mirroring my sister and my best friends to escape from myself never thinking I was enough- I even tried to be like my former metamours- so smart, so pretty, so American they were placed on pedestals by my exes so of course I wanted to be like them- never understood how I never stood a chance and how nothing I did would matter my exes always chose them they were safe,predictable and shared their background everything I was never going to be so I chose to embrace who I really am a woman with a chaotic history who feels everything with a magnitude of intensity a woman who no longer mirrors others to gain a sense of identity I now stand firm in the authenticity of my duality I embrace my God given gift of my creativity and share it shamelessly there’s no turning back now that I’m fully me and I no longer care who loves and accepts me
A blanket of anger and sadness envelops me as you dispose of me once again I hope this time I learn for good that you only carry destruction and devastation within you that you will never love or care for me that you’re a self absorbed piece of shit A blanket of anger and sadness envelops me And I hate you but I hate myself even more for wasting my time and love on someone who never deserved it for trying to see love and affection that was never there for falling in love with a charismatic coward
look at that Goddess, very awkward, very full of herself
gratitude taste like mami’s sopa de pollo gratitude smells like my lover’s cologne gratitude feels like a warm hug from my son gratitude sounds like my sister’s car in my driveway gratitude looks like me looking at the Goddess in the mirror
I know I’ll be okay, I know I’ll be fine I’m the queen of resilience, coming back triumphantly After each tragedy but right now, I need to honor the heaviness of grief that resides within me Acknowledge that for a while, my kids may view me as a villain for breaking up their family for making them products of broken home I gotta feel this residual anger and resentment Directed at myself and my ex for not being able to make our marriage work At least I can say it wasn’t me who gave up easily I was the one who gave my all and best efforts to make it work but one day, I had to accept it for what it was a marriage damaged beyond repair And no amount of meds, therapy, acceptance or healing on my part could have saved it- not when I was always doing 80 percent of the work and he barely gave me any effort and while yes, he did care of our kids and of me he still didn’t help in providing for them, show initiative to better our family or even tried to love me the way I needed to be loved Instead, he hid behind his fatherhood and age To distract me And it wasn’t until the healthiest version of me showed up and got the courage to put a stop to this facade of a marriage and stop our codependent story of love We’ve been modeling for our kids It’s up to me to break this generational curse of toxic love or else our kids won’t know or understand what a healthy and real love story looks like
I wrote this poem in September of 2019 and 5 years later, I’m posting it on my 1 year divorce anniversary so this poem is extra special to me.
for real, for real
It seems that my freedom is a long time away it is almost hopeless to get away from my prison of obligations and responsibilities I yearn to escape! I love my kids but I’ve stopped loving their dad the space between us became too wide a long time ago and we can never go back to who we were, who we wanted to be So now I long to be free of these marital chains that once upon a time I longed for As hopeless and as hard as it seems I’m determined to be free from my suburban confinement
maybe this is as good as life gets a life half lived but with few regrets Who needs adventure and love when you have the stability of family? Who needs spontaneity and excitement when you have the comfort of home? Who needs connection and chemistry?\ when you have routine and predictability? Maybe this is as good as life gets A life half lived but with few regrets Bored, bored, bored with it all living a woman’s suburban dream of mediocrity to want anything more would break this so-called domestic bliss
I’m looking forward to that pisco sour I’ll have after the judge declares me divorced and free to remarry -ha- that’s the biggest joke ever maybe I’ll land in someone’s bed once again But a ring on my finger -NEVER!- not in this lifetime, not as long as I breathe instead I’ll claim my single status And relish in it as long as I can
in purgatory, I live waiting for the finality of my longest chapter of love to end In purgatory, residual anger and resentment Invades me- and I turn into an emotional time bomb Waiting to explode In purgatory, I wait for my sentencing, praying the judge sees things my way and honors what is best for broken family
September comes in with a rage and determination in my heart to keep on moving with a new purpose to heal and evolve into the healthiest version of myself without condemning myself over my past misdeeds and obsessing over how toxic I once was so what if I allowed myself to be a doormat, to be stepped on over and over again? so what if I wasn’t the mom my kids deserved? Every day is a brand new start to live a life Intentionally and with purpose to continue to grow, build, and expand exponentially because while my past has impacted me and I’m still dealing with the consequences of it I need to move past it, leave it behind I’ve learned everything I need to learn from it now it’s time to build my present for the future I deserve to live in
Life on the BPD 