haven’t we all been pick me girls at the same point in our lives with our push up bras, our twirling the hair, our miniskirts, our not so subtle flirty behaviors it’s the ways the patriarchy conditioned as to be in order to find love, to find companionship in order to have a life worth living in a society that tends to value women according to who’s she’s holding hands with haven’t we all been pick me girls at some point in our lives have we all been brainwashed by the patriarchy?
worpress prompt: What do you love about where you live?
me at open mic a few weeks ago
when I finally took myself seriously as a poet and writer, I was 40 before that I thought I was some cute and crazy girl who used poetry and stories to express herself on paper whatever she couldn’t burden loved ones with but now at 40, between the July heat and mental health diagnosis I had a breakdown and I used my creativity to get through it so I started blogging and used my poetry as content I had no idea anyone would like it, resonate with it and subscribe to it and after a year, I went back to open mic and keep going and bared my most vulnerable and intimate thoughts this lead to me finding community with the local poets of Athens and it’s what I had always wanted but was always too scared, too insecure to seek out and also too busy with everything else in my life but one day I got tired finally embraced the fire of my creativity and decided to share the artist in me with the world once I did that, I created an online community and eventually found a community of writers and poets who accept me, encourage me, and inspire me
a year from now things will be radically different I will not be stewing in my misery and making poetry out of it instead I’ll be more empowered, more creative than ever instead I’ll be wiser and stronger understanding the rollercoaster of the storms of 2024 was needed to inspire another cathartis, another catalyst for change the universe had to humble me for a bit to remind me of what’s really important to assess how I’ve been living my life and whether or not the many hours were worth killing myself over a year from now this will be radically different I’ll have a deeper knowledge, understanding and clarity about what’s in alignment with me life will be more balanced, more full of joy and with an abundance of everything that inspires me everything that brings purpose to my life
My yen to better myself is has become an obsession causing me constant frustration being so self aware of my unhealthy patterns leads me to self flagellation Oh another poem about how I’m so toxic or I’m a perpetual love addict or I do everything wrong when it comes to love When will I reach a point of enough Enough with pointing out my faults Enough of feeling my self imposed emotional claws Enough of acting like I’m a monster and how I’m consumed by anger I know that healing means being self aware but there’s gotta be something on the other side of this constant despair
my son wants to be a model and I worry about what this means for him in my eyes I think he’s perfect the way he is in one year he went from my cherub angel to a handsome lanky stranger but he thinks he still needs a lot of work so he goes on nightly runs until he’s breathless lifts weights he borrows from his older brother applies all kinds of lotions to try to get rid of little blemishes He tells me, “I already have the perfect personality, now I just need the perfect body and I nod in grief, “already at 13, he feels that heaviness of the unrealistic standards of beauty placed on him
when I’m bothered, when I’m embarrassed, when my inner critic starts knocking on my mind’s door the best thing I can do is reapply my lipstick, write some angry señora poetry Remember the goddess that I am, and take my power back I’m not some stupid and weak little bitch some people perceive me to be (that narrative ended at age 40) now, I take the disrespect and insults with grace keep my composure, pretend I’m unbothered even as I fume inside I still keep on going I won’t make a big fuss or call anyone out that story usually ends with me being gaslit and called crazy instead I adhere to the age old adage “aqui no paso nada” Really being the opposite which is everything my anger, rage, grief being the fuel to become better to prove to myself and others I’m not the mentally unstable bitch society perceives me to be
lately life has been a most unfortunate chain of events and my universe is upside down can’t tell which way is up, which way is down I just want relief from this elephant of pressure that sits on my chest I know that it will get better I know a sudden rush of clarity will come after this but the not knowing when is killing me
the bomb of my insanity explodes and I try my best to do damage control tell my paranoid inner child not everyone’s out to get me but it’s too late and I fall once again under the spell of depression I try every single coping mechanism and it’s futile I just need to sit and acknowledge my inner critic and the dark and intrusive thoughts that come up Understand and accept that shit is temporary there will be better times ahead for now it’s just annoying
love will have to wait while i switch the gears from survival mode to triunfadora mode right now I can only concentrate on existing and putting one foot in front of another right now I only have the energy and time to focus on myself and digging myself out of the latest catastrophe I find myself in right now is not the time for crushes or new relationships it wouldn’t be fair to him to invite him into my current chaos right now I stand alone, get myself together before trying to fall into the magic of love again
I feel timid lately and want to hide in a tomb the kind of tomb you’d find on the grounds in some decrepit motel there I wouldn’t have to function at all there I could get lost in my thoughts and make up scenarios in my head There’s no one’s energy would impact me in a way that makes me feel hopeless and worthless
guilt and despair fills you up from the pain you’ve caused and you’re in the thick fog of darkness so you write poetry and cry and idealize death because in your time-therapy was still a new thing and the cure for your hysteria was a lobotomy and there was no such thing as DBT and no one to tell you that feelings are temporary
if self sabotage was an olympic sport, I’d win the gold medal so many times I’d been close to reaching my potential only to screw it up later maybe it’s the insecure and anxious little girl who still lives within me who’s scared of conquering fears and chasing her dreams I need to figure out a way to quell her to give her closure and peace so she’ll let me be live in peace and stop sabotaging everything
Give me a man who will buy me everything and I will accommodate to him- Because unlike JLo my love costs all the pretty things dresses, jewelry, vacations in the caribbean give it all to me and you can be my king because if I’m going to be treated like shit by a man in a relationship, at least let it be on a cruise ship
August is here and I hold onto the few slivers of hope left in me as I reach another rock bottom self correcting and not making myself a victim making sure I’m better than yesterday Trying my best to control my emotions knowing that somewhere in the wash of this downward spiral will come the biggest silver lining
Sunshine finally finds its way into my heart on a rainy day after clouds of emotions attacked my mind and body for a week but today I feel lighter-I feel joy I feel like everything will be okay
Life on the BPD 