cupid gets it wrong once again- bringing out a drawn out rejection for a month- This time he tells me, “You’re cool enough to make out with but not good enough for my mom” I almost throw my phone across the room instead I say “it’s cool.it’s okay” and take a pen to my rage on paper
You will always be a secret that I’ll regret one that makes me full of shame and guilt one I’ve tried to block again and again unsuccessfully It’s something I will never talk about it would cause my inner world much harm so I’ll keep quiet about it Swallow it whole It’s a story of trauma that doesn’t need to be told
este poema lo escribí en el 2004 acerca de John. estaba bien amarga.
Alguna vez pensé que tú podrías ser el hombre para mi Pero eso se dio a perder El día que tú me dijiste Que no soy y nunca sería Alguien especial para ti Y llore y llore y llore ¿Por qué no me quisiste? ¿Por qué no me diste una oportunidad? Para que puedas probar mi amor incondicional pero ya no hay marcha atrás Algún día te arrepentirás Porque aunque tu desprecio Me causó una gran desilusión y no sabía qué hacer con tanto dolor Tú hiciste lo mejor para mi Porque gracias a ti aprendí a sobrevivir
saint tracey assured me my life wasn’t over she showed me love and compassion when everyone else shunned me she accepted me for who I was and encouraged me to follow the path of success she saw the hidden potential in me when other teachers saw laziness she was a prayer from God sent to me to remind me my mistakes don’t define me and that I was still worthy of the love and goodness in the world
la espada de tu repentino y agudo adios me mato y ahora me echo en mi cama moribunda del duelo que llevo adentro- rezando que Dios tenga piedad y merced y que mañana no amanezca porque no puedo tolerar esta vida sin ti
my aunt treated us like we were inferior and subhuman constantly pointing out our flaws with subtle sarcasm putting pressure on my mom to choose her over us insulting my father or sister what about us made her project her insecurities Was it my dad’s intelligence or my sister’s beauty? or maybe she really hated my mom for having everything she didn’t have a loving and doting husband and all healthy children What made us a target for my aunt’s abuse?
tus palabras me queman hasta que soy nada fui otra aventura más, otro tiempo divertido para alguien buscando huir de su monotonía no hay nada más que decir o hacer fingiré estar feliz qué decidiste regresar con ella mientras me hundo en un ciclo de autodestrucción y remordimientos
in first grade, I learned to be ashamed and embarrassed of who I was, and where I came from maybe the nuns were ignorant of the damage they were doing and since that time I’ve had identity issues for years, i gave up my language and my heritage in order to fit in- to have proximity to being an American but all it did was fuck up my identity and while I have forgiven the nuns for the damage done I have a hard time finding compassion for myself I have a hard time letting go the guilt For the pain I caused my family I have a hard time understanding I was just a kid desperately trying to fit in, to belong, to be accepted to conform of the standards of being American society fed me
getting to know the new you will be an adventure, and a risk worth taking even if we crash and burn once again because there’s no one else before or after who I loved more