heroines go bravely up on stage and vomit out their feelings–pic is courtesy of my friend Amber Murphey
As I let go of my limiting beliefs, I grieve the woman I used to be so insecure and unsure of herself so hesitant to take control and power Overthinking and catastrophizing constantly it held me back from living the life of my dreams- Jealousy and envy filled me up Scrolling the professional and personal successes of others on social media Thinking, “that could have been me” and giving too much important to the opinions of others wondering constantly- “are they judging me?” It was an toxic story I told myself since the age of 16 and it continued on and on until one day in my middle age I exploded and decided to fight my inner critic and challenge everything I thought was wrong with me slowly I learned to turn my story around Slowly I went from victim to heroine
on the shitty days, get a baseball bat and take pics
not every day can be filled with peace, calm, joy or excitement Some days are absolutely shitty and depressing Some days it’s hard to get up in the morning without screaming fuck repeatedly on your way to work Some days are overwhelming to push through as hormones and emotions fuck you up Some days are for questions your life choices over and over again allowing doubt and insecurity to cloud you its accomplice self invalidation Some days are for getting up only to look forward to the end of it when you can sleep with the hope for a better day
Relief comes after a nap on Christmas day I woke up with so much joy and warmth in my heart I feel like I’m standing on top of a mountain I’ve been climbing forever A mountain climb that’s had a most treacherous uphill and loaded with many obstacles I’ve stumbled and fallen from many times but the universe, God presented me this gift of contentment for my life the understanding that everything had to happen for this reason to live in my childhood dreams of having my own family who brings me love and purpose every day of my existence
it’s okay to make mistakes-it’s part of being human
I almost drowned in a whirlpool of shame today because I made a mistake because I’m an imperfect human but I breathe in deeply self compassion and grace and accept this is a small blunder in my life and it shouldn’t take up too much space in my mind And I needed to be a friend to myself Understand I won’t always be flawless- Afterall I’m only mortal
pride and ego keeps us from speaking our truths we don’t want to be perceived as crazy or as a basket case and we suppress, suppress, suppress- only speaking with cordiality and respectability when we should really cut through the bullshit and let every unfiltered thought make it to paper so we don’t drown in anxiety and depression regretting everything that’s never been said
When I tell you I’m a poet- please take me seriously don’t think I’m some cute girl who writes a few verses in her room about how your kiss is a new kind of heaven Poetry for me has a much deeper meaning, poetry is how I bleed out all of my emotions I hold within
When I tell you I’m a poet- please don’t laugh at me or mock me don’t berate the simplicity of my words I weave into verse It’s how I make sense of my explosion of thoughts It’s how I express what I can’t say out loud
When I tell you I’m a poet- don’t try to cure me of my poetic nature and prey on my insecurities and try to kill my dreams of making my art seen I know how the odds are stacked against someone like me I don’t do it to make it to the mainstream- I do it so other women like me can be seen, can be inspired to dream
And finally when I tell you I’m a poet- Appreciate the artist in me, make yourself a sanctuary to put my poetry in- I’m not asking for endless compliments or an ego boost I’m asking for a safe space in you to love the poet I hold within
this could be and my lonely chicken nugget but he’s too scared to date me…no idea why..lol
On days when I’m hopeful about love- my laugh is lighter, my smile is brighter, my thoughts are the color of the sky thinking of the endless possibilities of how I’ll be loved and the many places me and my future somebody will go- while my cringy playlists play on the car radio and the many discussions or fights that might happen because one of us said the wrong thing or one of us won’t admit we got lost I”m still hopeful though keeping in mind that conflict is also part of how we’ll evolve
me in feb of 2023…trying to reclaim the softness in me
I’m graduating from writing about revenge and everyone who has harmed me I’m switched this narrative from woman scorned and full of spite To a woman reborned opened to love and joy in life While it’s fun to be petty and mean It’s better for me to reclaim the corny romantic in me the one I’ve kept hidden for 18 months the one who cries at the end of rom coms the one who’s desperate to fall in love again to continue this narrative about how I’m in love with my solitude no longer suits me when I have a universe of love to give
me in January of 2023…I give no fucks when I’m angry
when my inner bitch wakes up and rises-you better watch out I have no scruples, I have no morals my wrath has no limits I’ll come after you with my words call you out for hurting me or my loved ones I’ll forget everything I learned in therapy about compassion, about forgiveness I won’t just act like a woman scorned I’ll act like a villain in a horror movie out for revenge
I could be the poster child for love fiascos- I love too fast, and too hard- I’m the fool of the tarot risking everything even my sanity for love- getting caught up in feelings and magic being delusional that somehow it could work out even when the red flags scream at me- I say fuck it-I switch off the logic button in me and go all in
Pienso que es mejor morir que vivir en esta pesadilla es mejor escapar un destino lleno de incertidumbre y dolor porque el amor de tu vida no esta seguro si te ama
This was a really hard prompt for me to answer because, believe it or not, despite what you read on my blog, there have been a lot of men who have positively impacted my life. I think I’ll talk about the most recent one whom I became friends with this year. I met him at open mic years ago, but it wasn’t until this year that I started talking to him. So in January of this year, I was going through this major depression and for some reason, I started reading his book of poetry he gave it to me at open mic sometime in 2022. His book really resonated with me because his poetry has a lot of dark humor along with these raw feelings that hit you in the gut. I have to say that the only thing that made me laugh or smile on some days was reading his poems. I think it helped me cope with these really intense feelings of despair I was having. I probably should write a review about the book at some point, haha. I won’t tell him, though, cause that would be embarrassing. Anyways this year, I got to know him as a friend, and I liked that his communication style is straightforward and without any bullshit. He kind of called me out on my energy drink addiction, and that’s part of the reason I quit drinking them. I respect him a lot because he’s honest and authentic about who he is. He’s the kind of person who doesn’t care who likes him or doesn’t like him.He’s also provided me with books about poetry so I can improve on my craft and that’s been super helpful.I think I would call this friendship a reparative friendship with a man who I can trust and well, given my history, I haven’t had many of those so it’s nice. With all that being said, I hope this friendship continues into 2024. Below is a link to my friend’s book.
This time it will be different-I lie to myself over and over again- and for a while I’ll believe it-but it never works out and they always leave- And I wonder how words fail me when this happens- it’s a magnitude of emotions- Intense, mega, uber, all consuming, overwhelming- Some things cannot adequately expressed even with bilingual vocabulary- maybe not everything is meant to be written down it’s just meant to be felt, held intimately in my heart and mind maybe it’s a private thing between me and the universe
Life on the BPD 