Poetry: Death

I wrote this in January of 2022 when I was depressed.

honestly

I welcome death to take me away tonight-
death must be better than the anger
that has made an eternal home in me
death must feel better than this emptiness
that lies in my heart
death has to be better than this sorrow
that floods my pillow with tears continuously
death would be better than my emotions
that threaten to consume me

Poetry: I Scoff at Your Good Intentions

I wrote this in January of 2022. I was mad about everything. Lol.

Judgment feels like harsh criticism dressed up in “good intentions”
“you have a college degree, you should be doing better”
or “I’ll respect you when you drive”-thank you for the support sister
Ignorance taste like harsh criticism dressed up “in good intentions”
“I’m saying this out of love, you should be like other latinos
and work and don’t go to college” -thanks for the encouragement coworker
Judgment feels like impossible standards I can never measure up to
it’s an ocean of emotional abuse dressed up as “good intentions”
by calling out my insecurities and pointing out how I’m not enough

Poesia: Sería Mejor 

Here is the English version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/12/01/poetry-my-love-murderer/

verte de nuevo enfrente de mi
quería hacer una escena y gritarte
todas tus verdades
hacerte sentir mi dolor
pero mi sentido común me interrumpió
Cualquier cosa que hiciera o diría
en ese momento de ira no importaría
no cambiaria lo que pasó
o el daño que me hiciste
sería mejor alejarme de ti
y no darte una onza mas de mi energía

Poetry: New Year’s Day 2022

I wrote this on New Year’s Day of 2022.

Another new year, and there are no resolutions
Another new year and no better or new me
Another new year, and I’ll keep my expectations low
With a cautious dose of faith and hope
I want a year full of peace and calm
Where love for myself continues to be enough
Writing, running, and working fill up my time
Another new year and loneliness is not eating me up
and freedom feels like solitude
and this vacation from dating feels heavenly
and music and books are all of the pleasure I need
Another new year, and I just want to continue this journey
of healing from the past and self-discovery
It’s another new year, and for once, I have everything
I want in life

December Poetry Challenge: 2022

This was my response to prompt #26 : How has your life changed in the past year

it’s been one of the best years of my life

2022 blessed me with more joy and growth than I could have dreamed of
I changed my narrative from a woman full of anger and resentment
to a woman full of contentment and an appreciation for everything
Unexpected and pleasant surprises filled up my year
swimming for the first time to Taylor Swift
music concerts that brought on catharsis
a spontaneous trip to my homeland where I found a stable sense of identity
and my accidental bangs in that beauty salon in Lima
I also learned to place my solitude as a priority for my recovery journey
It was the year when I stopped chasing love and unabashedly started
chasing my dreams, conquering my fears, and learning to love
the woman in the mirror
It’s been one of the best fucking years of my life
when I finally learned the meaning of gratitude and healthy love

Lessons from 2022

the beginning, the middle, and the end of this year-be brave and get the bangs

As 2022 ends, I feel a sense of gratitude and peace in my heart for how many blessings I’ve had this year. I’m closing this year off with immense serenity in my life. That’s saying a lot for me who used to live in chaos and for adrenaline rushes. I’m not saying I’m “healed” or “cured” of my BPD but I will say that I’m so much better at managing my emotions. This year has been about recovery from my BPD symptoms that often left me in a constant influx of emotional chaos. While I still feel my emotions intensely, they don’t control me like they used to. I’m a much happier and content person at the end of this year than I was starting off the year. In fact, this has been one of the best years of my life. I wanted to give you some insight into what helped me:

1.Routine and Consistency pays off-

In the latter half of 2021, I started to pay really close attention to how I was spending my time and learned what was working for me and what wasn’t. When I’m not working, I incorporate a routine of wellness and creativity that helps me feel balanced in my otherwise super busy life with 2 jobs and 3 kids. I make time for exercise 1 to 2 times a week and write daily. I’ve learned that this combination has helped me so much in bettering my mental health. The endorphins from walking/running always makes me feel better especially after a rough day. Writing every day has been instrumental in helping me manage my emotions. I journal every day and try to write poetry daily even when I’m not super inspired. Do I like everything I write? No, but I don’t filter out anything I’m thinking no matter how crazy or dumb it seems like at the time. If it’s a poem, I tell myself, well I can always revise and edit later. This first draft is almost always going to be rough.
Here’s a poem I wrote about it:

December Poetry Challenge: A Boring Life

2. Find your own Happy Place or Happy Places
This year I’ve felt a sense of overall contentment in my life because I’ve learned how to be happy. Happiness is a hard emotion for me because I’ve been depressed and anxious for the majority of my adult life. However, one of the things I learned this year is to build happiness, and sometimes that looks crazy. Music, writing, nature, exercising, and food are a few of the things out of many that bring me joy. This year, I even made a playlist called “Happy Music” with Yung Gravy and Jack Harlow songs that hype me up. Here is that playlist:

3.Take back the Power from the things that have made you feel powerless

I used to live in a world of insecurity and fear about a lot of things. I allowed my fear of failure to keep me from living a full life. Last year, I decided to stop doing this and just started living unapologetically and authentically. I stopped caring about how I’m perceived to others for the most part. One example is that I was always too afraid to call myself a writer/poet because 1) I wasn’t published 2) I didn’t feel like I was intelligent or eloquent enough in my writing to do so. In fact, when I was posting poetry in 2016/2017 I used to call my writing mediocre and I now think that was a disservice to myself. It was me devaluing myself and my art. This year, I’ve learned not to judge what I’ve written or decide to post. It might resonate with someone or it might not resonate with anyone.What matters to me is that I’m being brave enough to share it with the world.

stop that shit

4.Whatever you do, don’t suppress your feelings.

This one is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. For years on end I had been conditioned that anger and sadness were these negative emotions that I should try my best not to feel and express. Even when I allowed myself to feel them, I still spiral into a loop of shame and guilt about it. I went through a process this year of learning to let go of that shame and guilt and fully feel those emotions, express them (sometimes through exercise or writing), and organically letting go of them. I’ll admit, sometimes I do get hateful when I’m like this and a hateful poem happens but I tell myself, this is me in this moment and doesn’t define who I am. It’s like an emotional burp or first thought that needed to be expressed. Yes, sometimes I call my poems emotional burps or first thoughts. Doing this has helped me find more contentment, satisfaction, and gratitude in my life in general.
Here is an example of one of those “emotional burps”:

December Poetry Challenge: Everything Annoys the Fuck Out of Me

5.Be Protective of Your Energy
I cannot stress this enough. The only way I was able to really thrive this year is to understand I could not extend my emotional bandwidth. One thing that kind of drained me was men,relationships and sex so in May when “C” stopped responding to me, I decided to delete his contact info, archived our photos and pretty much ended that relationship on my own terms. I was honestly really proud of myself because I took it in stride and accepted it because well me and him had a good run. I also told any other men I was kind of entertaining that I wasn’t available for anything aside from a platonic friendship. With that, I decided to give myself a year of celibacy from that part of my life. It was rough starting out because aside from a couple of months here and there, I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been romantically involved with someone. 7 Months later, I’m much better. I’ll admit that celibacy does suck at times but it’s been completely worth it. It’s the break I needed to really discover who I am without the validation from relationships and men I’ve been dependent on since the age I was teenager. I plan to date sometime in May after my divorce is final provided I feel like I have the energy. Right now, my energy is really happy and thriving and I’m continuing to build on this.Here is a poem I wrote about missing my white jacket after me and “C” ended:

Poem of the Day: White Jacket

6.Acknowledge and take accountability for your part in your misery

I’ve been doing this on and off for the past 5 years but if I had to be honest with myself, I’ve also blamed others unfairly for my misery. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge that the actions of other people have caused me pain or that I condone that pain but at the end of the day I can’t control them. I can only control myself. This means I choose what situations I put myself in, who I allow into my life, what energy I let in, etc,etc. I used to think that life happened to me and I didn’t have much power over it. Thanks to a deep level of self awareness and introspection, I’m hyper aware of much control and power I have over my life and damn, it’s way more than I expected. It took me a while to get here and it sucked because now I can’t blame my parents, my exes, or that idiot who put a triggering status post on facebook about politics- it’s really me and how I react to it/them. As difficult as it has been to acknowledge this, it has also helped me feel this sense of peace in a lot of ways. I sleep way better at night understanding this concept. I also understand that there are things I won’t have control over but I always have a choice as to how I react to it. Here is a poem I wrote about it:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/?p=5237

2022 was one of the calmest and best years of my life. This year was my year to rest and recharge because I know 2023 will be chaotic with all the changes I’m making in my life. These changes will be uncomfortable but like someone once told me, “you have to go out of your comfort zone in order to grow”. I hope that whatever happens; I continue to grow and learn from the experience. I’ve healed and transformed into the healthiest version of myself but still understand that I’m a work in progress. I look forward to continuing this journey of self discovery and am excited about what’s to come.

December Poetry Challenge: Our Comedy of Errors

This is my response to prompt #9 : The best way to spend a cold evening

this was me earlier this when I read this poem at open mic

A warm fire heats us up as we lie naked
underneath lots of blankets
we laugh and joke about our “comedy of errors”
that had to take place in order to get here
Vulnerable in intimacy in each other’s arms
unmasked from all of the preconceptions
of who we thought we needed to be to love each other
loving each other in our worst moments
while finding joy and euphoria
in our best moments like this one

Poetry: Love me out LOUD

I wrote this in December of 2021.

me in December of 2021

I’m not meant to be loved behind closed doors
or only at night or kept as your little secret
I’m not meant to be the mistress, the side chick
or your on call whore
I’m not meant to be devoured at your convenience in 2 hour increments
I’m meant to be taken out in public in the daytime
and introduced to your family and friends
I’m meant to be part of your relationship status, your girlfriend,
your partner in crime
I’m meant to be paraded and exhibited everywhere
but most of all I’m meant to be loved out loud

December Poetry Challenge: Growth

This was my response to prompt #31: One word to describe your year

Growth was uncomfortable and made me want to crawl out of my skin
I had to acknowledge my own toxicity and take accountability
I stopped blaming my parents or exes for my sadness and angst
I held up a mirror to myself and recognized it was me holding myself back
I was the worst villain in my story and never the victim
I chose to turn this story around and confront my trauma head on,
write my demons out-embrace my self-imposed solitary confinement,
throw out my self invalidation, learn self compassion
In order to evolve into a person of value and worth
I let go of anything unhealthy and make sacrifices
by giving up my self-destructive vices
Growth could only happen in solitude and embracing radical honesty

December Poetry Challenge: Everything Else is Bullshit

This is in response to prompt #22:Something all people should know

me reading this poem out loud at open mic

stop allowing the world tell you who you should be
embrace who are with all of your imperfections
being “flawless ”is a lie sold to us by a consumerist society
who uses our insecurities for profit–
the countless anti aging creams catered to women of a certain age
even more weight loss shakes and gimmicks targeted at everyone
feeding us a false narrative that if we are skinnier or younger
we’ll somehow be an almost perfect ideal of human
be whoever you need be to fit your own brand of happy
everything else is bullshit

December Poetry Challenge: Shadow Work

This was my response to prompt #22: Something all people should know

me eating my pizza contemplating making a passive aggressive post

Stop shaming your shadow self
trying to constantly shut it down
telling yourself it’s not a part of you
it’s been there since you were a child
acknowledge it, walk with it
Let it be seen, let it be heard
even if that sometimes looks crazy or weird
Let that bitch or asshole out
Otherwise it will consume you

Poetry: Kyleena

I wrote this in December of 2021 when I got on a new form of hormonal birth control. It’s an understatement to say that it amped up the intensity of my emotions.

I was a mess but at least I was a hot mess…lol

I’ve bled for more than 40 days and 40 nights
but my doctor says I need to grin and bear it
My hormones are in constant flux
I want to die, I want to scream
Is God punishing me for my past sins?
My mood swings are uncontrollable
No matter what I do, I can’t find the calm
Anger, rage, sadness, and despair
are my emotional staples
And within a span of 3 weeks
I write poetry at 3am, crash my car,
and breakup with my friend
When will this madness end?
My doctor says give it 6 more weeks
but my mind and body are losing it
over this 2 inch form of torture
Will the next 6 weeks get calmer?
or will I go down in infamy?

December Poetry Challenge: The Biggest Lie

This was my response to prompt #25:A thing your life has in excess

I still get mad when it rains though

I lie to myself about my lack of love
The truth is that love is everywhere to be found
My mom who calls to check in on me
My tia who sends me Buenos Días videos
My coworkers who put up with my many moods
My kids who tell me “I got you ma” when I can’t
figure out the latest household gadget
My friends who listen to me without judgment
Love is everywhere I am and it’s time for me
to radically accept it