wordpress prompt:If you won two free plane tickets, where would you go?
maybe I’ll take him, Idk
I want someone to take to oxapampa so I can show him where part of my story started so he can watch the sun rise and the sun set on my family’s farmland so I can experience joy through his eyes for the first time as he observes the beauty of the land So I can watch his face when he takes a sip for the first time of the world class beer 7 vidas so we can take tourist pics at the plaza and the church were my dad was baptized in dance the night and awkwardly laugh at the cultural appropriation of the Cheyenne Club so right after we end up at the Hakuna Matata karaoke bar when I sing “Lover” to him off key as he sits in his chair and cringes in embarrassment and tells me I’m crazy and everyone stares at us so we could have breakfast with my tia with the eggs, chorizo, coffee, and milk coming from the family farm as we all awkwardly make small talk about our plans for the day I want someone to take to oxapampa to hug trees, go on hikes in the jungle, and make love in some little cabin but I’ll have to wait and wait until the universe sends someone worthy of going the magical land of oxapampa
la ira y furia de mis antepasados femeninas viven en mi ellas me visitan en sueños y me mandan mensajes que cuentan sus historias, sus verdades aunque duelan, aunque algunas me llamaran sádica y dramática ellas me inquietan y me dicen es tiempo de gritar todas las injusticias y trastornos vividow que nuestras muertes no han sido en vano y aunque lloro y trato de ignorar la llamada de la sangre es inevitable-fui escogida- para sus venganzas, para sus historias de redención
at 17, the pregnant bride to be got a telegram from her groom sorry, but I’m betrothed to another and am getting married at gun point maybe it was the heavy feeling of rage or her aries nature and hormones the jilted bride with a silent fury went to her closet and took out her ostentatiously beaded wedding dress and with matches in her hand she went outside and set fire to it in front of the family home one of the younger siblings saw the insanity as the bride stared at it mesmerized by fire that grew and grew she walked towards it all sense of reality gone from her not hearing the screams from her abuela who ran towards her and just before the bride step foot in the fire la abuela shook her and slapped her across the face until the bride reacted, let out a loud wail heard across the farmland and fainted
my family is quiet about their sorrows they put up a mask of strength and resilience its not that they hide their tragedies they talk about it openly but heal with energy from the trees, with their busy and monotonous routines on their farm with the understanding that terrible things happen in their lives and finding resilience in the most extenuating of tragedies in order to move forward
from short hikes in Athens in 2021 to treacherous 5 mile hikes in Oxapampa in April 2023-it’s all unnerving
I put my insecurities and fears on display for the world to see it’s a most arduous task-it’s not for the weak at first I thought it was crazy it was me trying to get attention it was me seeking validation and while it may have been these things it was also brave, courageous to be so radically honest about what unnerves me It’s how I’ve been able to heal and claim my identity
I look calm but inside of me lies the heart of a leona
my protective instinct rings loudly in me I will protect everyone I love no matter what even if I have to die for them to be safe even if I have to leave them alone for them to have peace of mind their well being means everything to me inside of me lies the heart of a lioness ready to roar ready to protect everyone she loves
the freedom and independence in my son brings me a sense of pride with so much happiness I see his fiery spirit shine from within and his light is so bright- I know I’ve done something right he’s not afraid to take risks, he’s not afraid of failure He’s not afraid to be himself and I breathe a sense of relief he will not bear the sense of forced obligations or burden of expectations I had- instead he’ll make himself and his happiness a priority above all else while still caring for humanity it’s the beginning of breaking a generational curse of obedient and silent martyrdom that’s been inherited for generations
So I’ve never been into sports, but I did enjoy doing the extreme sports in Oxapampa when I went in April. I especially enjoyed the ziplining in the video below. I have had a deathly fear of heights, so I’m proud of myself for pushing through these really tough adventures. I hope to do more of these in the coming years because I enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes with it. I guess it’s something I’d like to explore more if I ever find the time.
I remember being super excited and happy going on this bus ride because going to Oxapampa has been a dream of mine for quite some time. Oxapampa is the town my dad was born in and raised. When my dad talked about it, it always seemed picturesque and like something out of a fairy tale. I was also excited to meet my dad’s relatives (aunts and uncles) who helped raise him and the cousins who he played with. His relatives also seem to be larger than life characters who were genuine and good people according to my dad’s description of them.
my feet and legs on the most comfortable bus trip I’ve ever made
when I think about my most memorable road trip, I think of my 10 hour bus ride I made from Lima to Oxapampa when I went to Peru last spring. It was memorable in a good way. The company we booked the trip with was wonderful and me and my son were mostly comfortable. So the trip to Oxapampa meant going up into a high altitude of 5951 ft above sea level from the 528 ft above sea level altitude in Lima. We were advised to consume coca leaves before going to prevent motion sickness so we went to the pharmacy and they gave us coca leave in pill form.
the pills we took to prevent motion sickness
Our seats themselves were super comfortable and we could recline into an almost bed so we slept super comfortable. They also had screens where we could watch American movies dubbed in Spanish. One reason we were super comfortable was because we were on the upper deck of the bus which had more space for seats. Of course, we paid more for this V.I.P seating but damn , it was well worth it. Unfortunately and fortunately, it didn’t have WIFI so I just listened to my downloaded spotify playlist. There was a lot of Conan Gray and Taylor Swift I played on my way there. We went at night so we slept most of the way there but I did manage to capture some short videos of what I saw outside the video. We went through a lot of provinces and small towns. Here’s a short video of going through Pasco. This was shortly before we arrived.
going through Pasco…
I also want to mention that going on this bus ride was also kind of exhilarating because some of the roads are treacherous and narrow and sometimes we were going on terrain that was high. That meant if the driver lost control of the vehicle, we were SOL. Haha. It’s a good thing that a lot of drivers in Peru start driving between the ages of 12 and 14. There’s probably more I will write about this trip. So when we arrived, my great Aunt picked us up and we stayed at her air b&b on her property. Where we stayed had this rustic and magical vibe. I’ll probably write more about this trip that was life changing and healing in so many ways but for now, I’ll just answer the prompt for bloganuary about memorable roadtrips.
the sign for my great aunt’s air b&bthis long entrance looked like something out of fairytale…like going into a magical forest
I’d love to ride a motorcycle for the first time in Oxapampa, Peru. It’s something that used to seem so scary to me but when I saw whole families riding motorcycles in Oxapampa in April on this year, I thought I want to do that. I’m sure I can make this happen on my next trip there.
It’s been 2 years since my BPD diagnosis and some things have changed, some things have remained the same. I still have the same two jobs and still adhere to my strict routine of consistency and routine with exercise, writing, and therapy. I’m still on the same meds for my anxiety and depression. All of that has helped with my continued progress and growth. And I still continue to suffer from major depressive episodes but it’s not as bad as it used to be and here’s a blog I wrote about it recently:
What has changed overall has been me. I remember last year writing about how I was living an authentic life and while that was mostly true, there was still something I had to take care of to make this true, my divorce and telling my youngest son about it. I went back to therapy to navigate these big feelings in actually starting the process and following through and telling my youngest son about it. I’m glad to report, I filed for divorce a couple of months ago and told my son who took it better than I expected. After this, I felt like this major burden of guilt and grief has been lifted off from me. It was hard, really hard to have lied about this part of my life for the past four years to my son and to other family members. Three of those years, I felt like I was leading a double life as I had to be careful not to let one part of my life bleed into the other. It was awful and reflecting back on this, I think this was a major trigger for my mental health breakdown in the summer of 2021. Feeling guilt and shame with the immensity of emotions that comes with BPD is horrible and something I would never wish on my worst enemy.
me and my youngest son on his birthday
Another major thing that happened in year 2 is that I took two trips to my homeland, Peru. The first one was in September of 2022 and the second one was in March of this year. Both times I went, it was amazing and the first trip helped me reconnect with my roots and find a sense of identity I had been searching for all of this time. I hadn’t been back since I was 9 so it had been 32 years since I had been home. It was strange, glorious, amazing and overwhelming at the same time. It felt like I finally found a piece within me that had been missing all of this time.
Finally home after 32 years -September of 2022
The second trip was even better because I took my oldest son who hadn’t been on a plane since he was an infant and we got to visit my dad’s hometown of Oxapampa. I think I’m still processing that trip because it was so special and meaningful to take my son to Peru and show him his and my roots. I’m honestly still processing both trips and I’ll write about both of them later. What I can say is that both trips helped in my healing and recovery process from my BPD symptoms. Before, I was still floundering when it came to trying to establish a stable identity. That changed radically after I came back from my first trip.
me and my oldest son in Oxapampa, Peru in April of this year-the beer in Oxapampa is the BEST EVER-anything else is MID
Life on the BPD 