Poesia: Primer Amor

Escribí este poema en el 2016 cuando una ola de nostalgia me visito y me puse a pensar en mi primer amor.

La inocencia del primer amor
Se queda como un tatuaje en tu mente
Nunca podrás olvidar cómo se sintió
Ese primer beso nervioso
O como buscaban rincones escondidos
Para mostrarse amor
Nunca se olvida la gran emoción
Que llevas dia por dia al verlo
Y nunca, nunca
olvidarás el primer amor
Que falleció con su repente desamor

Con solo 16 años pensaba que sabía lo que era el amor

Poetry: Shadows

I wrote this poem sometime around 2014 or 2015. I was feeling nostalgic about a former flame I had been obsessed with. This tends to happen a lot with me. Letting go of my past is hard at times.

me in 2015 around the time I wrote this poem

Shadows of my past

Envelop my future

Everywhere I go

Time has passed 

I am older

Harsh experiences 

Have made my cynical

And embrace 

My mediocrity

But still 

Shadows of the past

Envelop my future

Everywhere i go

I’m happy that you found 

Your idyllic happiness 

With someone else 

And living the life

You always wanted 

But shadows of our past

Envelop my future

Everywhere I go 

I love my children

I love my spouse

But for one more moment

Of us

I would leave them

And everything else behind

Shadows of our past

Envelops my future

Everywhere I go 

Poetry: August 2009

They should go out of their way

August 2009

In anticipation of the night
I was excited to see you
But then we met
And the look you gave me
said it all
without saying anything
at all
I had warned you
I had changed
But you refused to believe it
and held onto
an idealistic image of me
in your head
Worthless small talk ensued
Even though there was
nothing left to say
Your body language screamed:
“Get the fuck away from me”
But a small trickle of hope
cemented my feet to the ground
next to you
And then a sorry excuse
trickled from your lips
And you left me stranded
that night

Poetry: The Wound

I wrote this in 2008.

I never came back the same

The Wound

It’s a wound that never closes
No matter how many years
are spent trying to close it

To taste the pure heaven that is you
and have it swept
from under me in a sudden swoop
made the everlasting wound

I looked everywhere
for somebody to help me close it
But no matter how hard
they tried, the wound
wouldn’t come close to closing

I finally met someone who lessened the pain
of the wound
with his gentle and understanding nature
But even after 6 years as his patient
the wound remains open

 

Poetry: Andrew

I wrote this inspired by the first time I met Andrew. I think I kept on thinking about him and getting nostalgic because I was so carefree and happy when I was with him.

Not a boy but not yet a man

He took my sweaty hand

Dancing was his aim

Andrew was his name

And with his clown feet

He showed me moves so weak

And an excuse I was about to invent

But then the moment went

And that was our when

 the slow music started to lure

strong emotions started to brew

Innocent love soon ensued

I was his world, he was mine

We were the most perfect rhyme

But then reality hit

A truth we couldn’t beat

And even though I’ve moved on 

It’s Andrew, I’ll always yearn for

Poetry: So Many Things

I wrote this in March of 2004 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas.

So many things left unsaid 

the day you decided to get away

So much left undone 

Because I was no longer fun

So many tears I had cried 

Asking myself a thousand whys?

Why did you leave?

I thought we were a perfect fit.

What was wrong with us?

That made you leave in a rush

Why did you break my heart?

by pulling us apart

And why didn’t you love me so?

It’s excruciating to let you go

Poetry: On My Mind

I wrote this in 2003 about the first Andrew. Yes, I have a hard time letting go of someone after a breakup especially if I really loved them. I think one of the reasons I thought of the first Andrew often was because he was one of the few guys in my romantic life who didn’t objectify me.

so true

You stay on my mind
Even after a long long time
You haunt me in my dreams
I wake up in tears that form a stream
Then you appear in my poetry
Your memory lives inside of me
And at last I ask myself why?
I can’t let you go, my wonder guy

Poetry: Remembrance

I wrote this in April of 2003 about the first Andrew, the guy I fell in love when I was 16. I had gone to Hawaii in April and went to the beach we use to go to and I wrote this poem. Yes, I was still having nostalgia about a short relationship from 5 years ago. One of my BPD traits is being obsessed with some of my romantic partners after the relationship has ended after a long time.

Kailua Beach, Hawaii

So I take a walk on the beach
Where we used to come
And make promises of young love
But like the waves of this tumultuous ocean
Our lives took turbulent and separate turns
and our beloved promises
Got forgotten somewhere in between
And for some reason I keep thinking
A new tide will come in
and I’ll turn around one day
And you’ll take me in
With a welcoming embrace
And fate will remember us
Once again

Poetry: Our Beautiful Past

I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt. Even thought I was still resentful over the trauma I had been through because of him, I still had a somewhat idealistic perspective over what happened between us during the time we spent together. It was weird.

but its hard for someone like me to understand that

I never thought seeing you again
Would make my world tremble again
I thought I was over this
A few years back
When I was left with nothing
But the faint memory of your lips
But seeing you again like this
Brings back all of these memories
of our beautiful past

Poetry: A Liberal Kind of Love

I wrote this in September of 2001, I guess I was frustrated with dating because it sucked getting stuck in relationships I had no business being in. Half the time, I did it to not be lonely but then I found myself miserable.

the magic is in you

A Liberal Kind of Love 

Holding hands and kisses
on the cheeks is
what we are no longer about

Hot and sweaty bodies
fucking with a goodbye
note in the morning
is now our nature

Respect, honesty, and trust
are long forgotten words

Deception, disillusionments and selfishness
are now our sacred words

Poetry: Big Lie

This is yet another poem inspired by the great breakup of 2001. Most likely, I wrote this poem right after it happened as I still raw processing what happened.

Big Lie

I was stubborn
and I got burned
by not believing
that you were deceiving
there were many signs
but my heart refused to resign
it didn’t want to conceive of the notion
that your love was a distortion
now I sit in disbelief
at how wrong you done me
I’m so much better off I know
even though it’s almost impossible to let you go
so it’s forever goodbye
to your twisted love that was a big lie

Eliza Conquers Toxic Situationships

It’s been 2 weeks since the toxic dude “C” that I’ve been having an on and off situationship with has ghosted me. We’ve been playing this game since we met in July of last year. The chemistry and connection between us has been the insane from the beginning and maybe that’s why I have always let him come back. Or maybe I let him come back because I do genuinely care for him and love him and a part of me wants to believe that he’ll change and things will be different this time. I hate that every time I let him in, I let myself be vulnerable and let my guard down. And then he does something to disappoint me each and every time.I think I lost count of the times I’ve cried over his idiot ass. I think this time I’m finally convinced that he’s never going to change and I’ve got to let him go. He doesn’t have the emotional maturity to face whatever conflict we’re having and he never will have the emotional maturity to do so. It’s strange because he’ll be the one to mention marriage or having kids with me and get crazy jealous about other dudes. I think this time he ran away because I called him out on his offensive behavior while we were out in public and he got his feelings hurt. Or maybe he simply got tired of me.

And of course, he was my muse for my writing for a while. Today, I am tired of writing about him. Today, I am relieved that I’m not waiting for him to text me. Today, I am thankful that I don’t have to deal with his alcoholic and depressive ass trying to make me see things from his republican/libertarian perspective or trying to pull me down in his depression with him. Today, I am lucky I’m not measuring my worth by how he treats me. I’m obviously still angry and upset about this but I’m slowly entering the acceptance phase that he will no longer be a part of my anl life. I think the fog has lifted and I understand that I deserve way better than him. He was part of my wild phase from 2018. It was this phase where I got I was hooking up with dudes for fun (me and my husband had opened up our marriage at the beginning of 2018). A few of them I had genuine feelings for but I ended up being a fun phase for them. I realized that while that phase was fun, I need something deeper than a shallow “no strings attached” connection. I thought that maybe me and “C’ had that for a while but I was wrong. I was another “fun” phase to another dude and he got tired when it was no longer fun and made me feel disposable. Oh well. Honestly, I don’t blame guys for being that way. I know my part in putting that energy out there and tolerating waaaay too much. And damn, I tolerated too much with “C”. It probably should have ended for sure when he friendzone the first time in late July or that time he threw me out of his apartment in January or that time in August when I was sitting in the emergency room with my kid and he accused me of sleeping with other men. Typing all this, I think damn, I should have let him go a looong time ago.

20191005_015451

Anyways, today, I say to “C”, thanks for inspiring me for the many poems I wrote, thanks for not believing in me when I needed you too, and also for the excitement and your dumb antics that me and my friends laughed about for hours. I’m not just turning the page, I’m burning our book.
In the words of Ariana Grande, “thank u, next” .