This was my response to the prompt #2: What needs to happen this month
I’ll try on Christmas cheer this year instead of my usual bah humbug vibe Luis Miguel and Mariah Carey will blast Christmas music from Alexa my house will be decorated inside and out with all things Merry and my kids will roll their eyes and call me “cringe” but it won’t bother me in the least Because this Christmas Eve, I’ll finally have a sense of peace to finally enjoy the Christmas magic
Below is a playlist I found on Spotify with Spanish and English Christmas Music to put you in the mood for the holiday.
My relationship with music is probably the healthiest life long relationships I’ve ever had. I honestly don’t know what I would do without it. I listen to music as a way to process both the bad and good things that happen in my life. Music is one of my favorite coping mechanisms I have when I’m having strong emotions. I have a playlist for almost any kind of mood or emotion you might be having: Feeling Sexy- I have a playlist for that, Feeling like a Bad Bitch -I have a playlist for that, Feeling like Your Heart has been shattered in a million pieces and you’re gonna be alone forever- I have a playlist for that too. I like to listen to music first thing in the morning to get my day going. I also listen to it throughout the work day to break up the monotony of the day. Sometimes I even spontaneously serenade my coworkers with my horrendous singing-haha. Music has saved me on numerous occasions from the bad and intrusive thoughts I do have from time to time. I also love to listen to super loud music when I’m power walking and jogging. I listen to all kinds of music from gangsta rap to mainstream pop to boleros. My favorites artists are usually singer songwriters like Taylor Swift, The KID Laroi, Shakira, and Alejandro Sanz. I am super fortunate to be bilingual so I have a huge music catalogue to choose from. No matter what happens in my life, music has always been a way to either help calm me down when I’m angry or perk me up when I get in one of depressive moods. I will be sharing some of the playlists I listen to depending on my moods. Below is a link to posts about a few of my playlists.
This playlist I’m sharing is called “Self Love-My Love Affair with Myself”. This playlist is filled with songs about feeling empowered after life gets you down because of a job loss, a break up, or maybe even just a bad day. It’s about getting your strength back and remembering who were in the first place and getting ready to conquer the world. It’s about finding yourself after losing your spark. It’s about feeling like a bad bitch again. I’ve put in bold my favorite songs from this playlist.
For the thirsty Thursday before Valentine’s Day, I have a sexy playlist for y’all. I’m a very sensual person which should be obvious from reading my blog. I’ve have had different types of sex from one night stands to FWBs to bdsm partners to longterm romantic partners. I’m not in any way ashamed of my sexual adventures. I’mactually proud of my versatility in my sexual adventures that I’ve had for more than 2 decades. It’s one of the perks of my BPD, my hypersexuality. The way I see it, when I get to be an old woman in my 90’s I won’t regret looking back on my life wishing I had tried a certain sexual experience because chances are I’ve probably tried it. Now, have I been slut shamed and judged for my adventurous sex life? Oh yeah, I’ve been slut shamed many, many times since I started having sex and as recently as last year. I could write more about slut shaming but that’s another blog post. Sex for me is one of the best things in life. And I’m not just talking with a partner;I’m also talking about sexy self love with your plastic boyfriend from Amazon (aka your vibrator) and a fantasy in mind. This playlist can be played while you’re fucking or making love to your partner or masturbating. It could be played whether you feel like a sensual princess or a seductive Queen.In the words of George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is fun…not everybody does it but everybody should”. Also, as someone that works for Public Health, I will tell you to get tested for STI/HIV on a regular basis if you are sexually active and always, always use protection.
The ones in bold really get me going:
Dress -Taylor Swift PILLOWTALK-Zayn Need You Tonight-INXS Anywhere-112 Trumpets-Jason Derulo Earned It -The Weekend I Touch Myself -Divinyls Come and Talk to Me-Jodeci Any Time, Any Place- Janet Jackson Doin’ It-LL Cool J God is a woman-Ariana Grande Whip Appeal-Babyface Good For You-Selena Gomez I’ll Make Love To You-Boyz II Men Heaven-Julia Michaels Lights Down Low-MAX Red Light Special-TLC Sexual Healing-Marvin Gaye I Wanna Sex You Up-Color Me Badd Leave The Door Open-Bruno Mars I Want Your Sex-George Michael Like a Prayer- Madonna Freak Like Me-Adina Howard WAP-Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion Love You Down-Ready For The Word
In April, my parents leave the country and I do what most responsible 20 year old single moms do when they have the house to themselves- throw a party for me and my coworkers. It wasn’t a huge party and to be honest it was kind of lame. Lucas and Paula are there and we drink,hang out and talk.
Lucas eventually leaves the party and Paula cries to me about how upset she is that she can’t really have a true relationship with Lucas.It was a weird and awkward situation for me to be in considering my feelings for Lucas.
Around this time, Ron comes and spends a weekend with me and my son. I notice that he tries to discipline my son and yells at him and complains about how bratty son is. This does not sit well at all with me and I start to grow distant from him. I know that I need to break up with him but I procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate on this.
Around mid April, my son gets sick with pink eye and strep throat and I do as well and stay home a few days. On one of those days, Lucas comes by to spend the evening since his wife is out of town. He comes with food and alcohol. We spend a few hours watching TV with my son and eventually my son goes to sleep in the back bedroom. We start drinking and put on some music. Our soundtrack was Matchbox 20, 3 Doors Down, Hoobastank , Linkin Park , Shakira ,and of course Nickelback, Below is a playlist of the songs that “we fell in love to”:
We start dancing and there is so much chemistry and we kiss. One thing leads to another and we have sex in one of the bedrooms. It feels like this is a surreal dream and I feel like I’m really in love AGAIN. I’m in disbelief that I could fall in love again. In fact, I’m so in love that I’ll overlook the fact that 1) he’s married with no plans of leaving his wife 2) he’s still sleeping with my close friend Paula and of course 3) I’m still dating Ron. However, none of this matters to me because I think that eventually our special and unique love will conquer all because like duh…that’s what happens in romantic movies and telenovelas. Looking back on this, I think that most likely I had undiagnosed BPD based on the choices I was making. I mean, I even come up with nicknames for both of us based on the Brazilian telenovela, “El Clon”- He’s Lucas and I’m Jade. Here is a clip from that meeting that I felt captured the magic of our first meeting:
So after having sex, we start a whatevership that’s mostly phone calls and long ass emails where I vent to him about Ron and he offers advice. We also come up with more corny nicknames like Superman and Superchick. I cringe right now as I’m typing this but I’m trying my best to not judge my 21 year old self.
In the middle of May, I not only get more distant with Ron but I eventually ghost him for weeks. I was in love with Lucas but still felt a deal of shame and guilt about the whole situation. However, I couldn’t stay away from Lucas because I LOVE HIM and nothing else should MATTER, right? I’ll admit it, I was downright obsessed. And he fed into my “fire of love” with his emails and sweet words of love.Below is an excerpt from one of his emails:
At one point, I started to write a book about “us” because I feel like this is the GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER! Nothing compares to our “forbidden love”. I’m actually laughing right now as to how absurd it all feels. Like, wow, this was my real life 20 years ago. Then again, I do go on to repeat similar unhealthy patterns almost 20 years later so there’s that. After numerous emails from Ron asking me where I am, I decide to finally break up with Ron. I do it the worst possible way which was via email. I actually tell the story of how that all went dowin later on this month through poetry about how I processed it and endured Ron’s rightful wrath. Yes, Ron may have been emotionally abusive at times but he still deserved more than an email. After this, I vent to Lucas about it and this was his response:
In late June ,me and Lucas start to fizzle out and the emails are fewer and shorter. I process this through salty poetry and of course drinking and finding my next victim, Damon.
Eventually Lucas tells me he’s going to work things out with his wife and the emails stop. I accept it but it’s still hard for me to process but I find my next victim, Damon. Damon is there to catch me. He’s a new start for me, not exactly the start I want, but an escape from the feelings of worthlessness and abandonment I was feeling. That time was intense for me. I broke someone’s heart and had my heart broken at the same time while getting into a new relationship. It’s chaos, but hey that’s life on the BPD. As I’m at the end of this story, I never imagined that this is how I would tell this story. In my mind, this story has always been larger than life. I do want to add that I did run into Lucas a few years later when I’m working at Target and a few years after that I ran into his marriage announcement in the local newspaper and yes, I wrote a poem about that too.
Looking back, I don’t judge anyone in this story. I think that we were all just doing our best to find love. And of course, at times, even our best looks shitty. Also looking back on the emails and my journal entries from that time period , I see how these unhealthy patterns in relationships have presented in my life over and over again as recently as this past year. It almost makes me want to stay alone forever to be honest because it sucks to keep repeating this story over and over again. However after almost 6 months of therapy, I’m learning to not judge my past self because she was just doing the best with the information she had at the time. Still, I think it will be a long time before I think about dating.
This playlist that I will share is titled: “For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry). I don’t handle breakups very well. Actually, I handle them poorly and go kind of nuts. Music helps me cope with the multitude of emotions I have. This playlist is the kind of playlist you play out loud in your car or at home with your headphones as you write mediocre and sad poetry. This playlist is based on the disastrous and heart wrenching breakups I’ve had throughout my life. These are songs I go to when I’m feeling numb or the waves of sadness come. I’ve put in bold the ones that I like to put on repeat.