home is the here and now- Enjoying the peace and tranquility of this moment no drama, no conflicts just a busy life filled with love, creativity, and routine home is the presence of my inner calm finally achieved home is me
warm and wild thoughts go through my mind if only you looked my way one day and saw me as an object of desire ugh, itβs that time again I must be ovulating
Lately I feel too big for my current pot I need somewhere else to bloom this is too comfortable too stagnated itβs almost suffocating I need another place full of challenges and opportunities I need a place where I can full fill the extent of my potential
soon weβll be back to business as usual obsessing over taylor and travis clicking on clickbait about ben and jen finding another celebrity to cancel over some politically incorrect crime of their past soon weβll go back to business to usual as mothers still mourn their children over another violent tragery that never should have happened soon weβll go back to business as usual as my son and his friends are hypervigilant over anything suspicious at 13, this world has taken away their innocence soon weβll go back to business as usual as we go back to our stupid jobs whether thatβs a 9 to 5 office setting or back breaking labor as if evil didnβt happen at our communityβs door soon weβll go back to business as usual and Iβll write another poem about unrequited love or the ex I dreamt about last night soon weβll go back to business as usual except this time Iβll carry a when and where in back of my mind waiting for it to happen again
I never did get my happily ever after but I did get my happily divorced after and a year after it was all done and signed by the judge I feel gratitude for solitude and breathe a sigh of relief that I wonβt settle ever again for fear of being lonely never again will I ever allow Societal pressure to write my lifeβs Narrative and never again will I stay somewhere Past the expiration date because of fear or for the sake of appearances I never did get my happily ever but I did get my happily divorced after and life feels joyous and glorious and I am the most empowered version of myself
I tell my son Iβm proud of you and heβs like why, because Iβm alive I nervously laugh even though my heart aches over what he said Why does America like to play Russian roulette with its children Why canβt I have a normal conversation with my kid over too much screen time and reminding him to brush his teeth instead of conversation over what he should do in a mass shooting
I feel left out by my friends and I cry and whine βthey hate me, Iβm not good enough for themβ my voice of reason tells me βit will be okay, you donβt need themβ itβs my sister
I break down in the middle of the sidewalk and cry and scream βIβm unworthy of love, Iβll be alone foreverβ my voice of reason tells, βthatβs not true, you just need to focus on you booβ Itβs my son
my voice of reason has comforted me and loved me unconditionally my voice of reason keeps me from going under
this time it hits too close to home this time it feels like a matter of when in America my children learn run, duck, and cover before learning to spell the word βGunβ but this is the deck of cards dealt to all of parents living in America safety in schools is an illusion long gone since the days of Columbine but with each massacre we all break a little more and our anxiety skyrockets even more the closer this epidemic gets to us this time Iβll hug my teenager as tightly as possible when he gets home, even as he rolls his eyes at me and says, βewβthis time I allow my fury and rage at this continued senseless violence to pour out of me and on paper collective and personal grief covers me accepting once again, no matter what I do or how hard I try or how much I love my child I canβt shelter him, I canβt protect him from the epidemic of violence in this country
the storms this summer have been intense and scary Some days I had to run for cover, other days I ended up saturated in self hate the storms this summer tried desperately to tear me apart ruin my reputation everyone watched me waiting for me to turn into a trainwreck but instead I do what I always do rise out of the ashes most triumphantly
people wonder how I do it all two jobs, three kids, the stream of poetry and still finding time for friends and honestly sometimes i donβt know perhaps its because iβm crazy and have the determination to live to live the fullest life I have even within the limits I have maybe I donβt to waste a single minute of regret wishing I could have done that or this like I used to and now just do Iβm no longer a woman of mere words Iβm a woman of actions
Mae West and Liz Taylor knew how to take up space in a manβs world and that was the problem with them it intimidated the fuck out of the men who worked with them, who loved them so they were ostracized, made to be cautionary tales the minute they got out of line so much beauty partnered with intelligence made them a target in a patriarchal society that like their women cute and mute like the marionettes they can pull strings on
The experiment of life leaves me breathless with rage Why keep trying love on over and over again when it continually abandons me Itβs like a balloon Iβm filled up with joy and happiness and then thereβs lifeβs pin of reality makes my balloon burst and Iβm reduced to nothingness until I find rage to fuel me to move forward itβs exhausting, itβs madness
this day of the dead, Iβll pay reverence to my female ancestors iβll build a shrine with their pictures and letters to honor them itβs the least I can do do the generational gifts passed down to me this day of the dead, Iβll pay reverence to my female ancestor write down their stories and later on share them remember that doing this heals something in me, something in them