Happy Anniversary: A Different Kind of Love Story

December 9th, 2010

Today marks my 11 year anniversary with my husband and while me and him are no longer in a romantic relationship; I’m still celebrating it. This might seem strange to a lot of people including myself. I honestly didn’t think I would write this blog post for today. I thought I was just going to post a salty ass poem about him and I still will but why not celebrate this man that has been my ride or die for the past 18 years. While yes, I still plan on separating and divorcing this man in the near future; my heart does not hold any resentment and anger towards him like it has in the past. I love him because he is my chosen family that has and will always be there for me no matter what. I’ve told my perspective about our relationship in this blog and while that is my truth; I feel that in some ways I’ve painted him in a very negative light and may have been unfair to him.
A lot of that was anger and resentment that I felt towards him at the time and towards myself for our relationship not working out. Now that he and I are in our third year of being co-parents and friends, I look at him in a different way and really accept him for who he is. It’s been a long journey to get here but I’m
glad I’m here.

us in late 2005

As I look back and reflect on mine and his journey what strikes me is how loyal he’s been to me throughout my worst of times. He could have abandoned me when my oldest son was diagnosed with autism early in our relationship, when I got unexpectedly pregnant with our first child together, when I use to yell at him and emotionally abuse him, after my suicide attempt in 2016 and after I asked him to open up our marriage. But he didn’t. He stayed and was supportive in his own way and yes sometimes that came off as controlling but I think now that it was his way of being over protective. He’s accommodated to whatever crazy and impulsive choices I’ve made and he’s stood by my side when I’ve had mental health crises. He’s not the type of man to ever run away when things get hard. In fact, he’s the type to stand by you until you get back up and after. Maybe that’s why I was in a romantic relationship with him for 15 years, he stayed no matter what. He also could have given up on me many times before we decided we wouldn’t continue our romantic relationship. He could also have kicked me out even after I flaunted my situationship and new boyfriends in front of his face.

our last picture in 2018 as a romantic couple, I only took this pic to post it on social media to make my boyfriend at the time jealous..lol..yeah I was fucked up

Also, I could have not lucked out more with having the best father for my children. This man is extremely devoted to our three children and loves them more than life. He makes sure that they are always very well taken care of. And co parenting with him has been an easy ride with a few mishaps.

Him with our 3 kids

As I write this, I’ve realized how incredibly lucky and fortunate I am to have him in my life. It sucks that our romantic relationship didn’t work out but what doesn’t suck is still having him in my life as my co parent and friend.

Poetry: Maybe

Maybe I am the girl version of Joe Goldberg after all. LMAO. Of course, this was written about the great breakup of 2001.

Maybe I am sad
finding out you were such a cad
Maybe I am blue
Knowing you were never true
Maybe I was too blind to see
you weren’t really into me
Maybe I was a fool
To never have seen past your bull
Maybe I am done
With guys like you using me for fun
Maybe just maybe I can get past all this
Knowing one day you’ll have to pay for this

Poetry: Ambiguity

I wrote this in December 2001 after seeing my ex “S” from the “great breakup of 2001”. I saw him at mall while I was shopping. I remember not being able to breathe and having to get out of there.

forgiveness is hard

I was minding my own business
when I came upon your ugly face
I started right away to get restless
Thinking how you had been such a fucking waste
I hope you didn’t notice
How I had forgotten to breathe
How the memory of your kiss
Came back to me
That’s when I had to turn around and leave

Poetry: Man of My Destiny

I wrote this in January of 2002 about Lucas , my married coworker. We are finally at this chapter of my life; yeah, the one where I fell “in love” with my married coworker. I was 20, almost 21 and he was 31. This was one of the most interesting and tumultuous seasons of my love life due to the crazy circumstances surrounding it but that’s another blog post. Lol.

attraction

And so I finally meet
The man of my destiny
But of course
There is a minor oversight
He is bound to another by law
But does his face light up
when she enters the room?
Does he desire me as I desire him?
Does he care for her the way I care for him?
Does he still want her as bad as I want him?

Poetry: My Love Murderer

This was the second poem I wrote in December of 2001 inspired after seeing my ex “S” at the mall. I was still feeling all of those raw emotions after this breakup when I wrote this. Looking back on it, I’m glad that at the time, I took my emotions out on paper instead of finding other means of escape with alcohol or someone else.

There you were
In front of me
My love murderer
I wanted to yell and scream
and say
You are the most deceitful, lying, scum king
I wanted to throw at you my fist
with all my might
And punch those lips I had once kissed
I wanted to kill you with a look
that said
You bastard, look at how much you took away from me
Instead, I had to walk away
and take back with me
All I wanted to do or say

Poetry: Pride

I wrote this about the great breakup of 2001. I guess part of the reason why I reacted the way I did was because my ego took a big hit. I mean, I’m already a person that has identity and self esteem issues and each breakup triggers a feeling of worthlessness inside that’s hard to get rid of.

So true

You’ll never know
How much you’ve hurt me so
You’ll never see
The mess you’ve made of me
You’ll never hear
The words “ I love you dear”
You’ll never ever find out
That loving you was what I was about

For I am too damn proud
To admit I was a fool out loud
For I have too much pride
To ever let you see me cry
For I have too much dignity
To ever let you return to me
For I have too much respect
To ever let you turn me into a wreck

Poetry: I Wish I Could

I wish I could’ve spent more time picking up a hobby than writing all of this salty poetry about this dude. LMAO. This is of course another poem inspired by the “great breakup of 2001”.

I wish I could
Forget all of you
And take back the time
Spent loving you
I wish I could make you see
All of the misery you caused me
I wish I could make you feel
My pain that is so extremely real
I wish I could see you hurting
It would be something I would take comfort in
I wish I could just not care
But life isn’t always fair

Poetry: Thank You

I wrote this in 2001 about the great breakup. Looking back at this I almost BUT I’m glad that at the time I was resourceful enough to turn to write poetry instead of doing more self destructive things. My favorite phrase from my 20 year old self is “low scum ho”. Damn, I was salty. LMAO.

Thank you for letting me know
I was with some low scum ho
Thank you for making me see
He was just using you and me
Thank you for making me realize
My lover was just telling me lies
Thank you for driving me into this misery
I really thought he cared for only me
But most of all,
Thank you for taking this burden off me
he didn’t deserve someone as good as me

Poetry: Unfair

This was another poem written in early 2001 about Paul. All I can say is that at least I didn’t go on to write more than a few poems about this breakup. I probably wrote this during the time we were attempting a “pseudo friendship”. I remember getting nauseated and sick every time after I got off the phone with him. This really was the last poem I wrote about him.

honestly how it felt like

Upset, angry, frustrated
Are some of the things I feel
When I come in contact with
Your miserable self

Depressed, miserable, pessimistic
is what I’ve become
You walked away

Happy, gleaming, glowing
is what you are
your miserable piece of scum

It’s unfair,unjust, not right
That fate led me to someone
Who would cause me so much raw pain

What Does Thanksgiving Mean to an Immigrant

When me and my family first immigrated to the U.S in September of 1986; Thanksgiving was a foreign concept to us. We were introduced to Thanksgiving by our extended family members who were seasoned veterans in celebrating this American Holiday. I was 5 when I immigrated to this country so my memories of our first or second Thanksgiving are pretty blurry. 

What I do remember is going to my uncle’s house where my aunts, uncles and numerous cousins would gather. My mother sat with my aunts and grandmother while they shared the latest chisme (aka-gossip) while they cooked and later on served dinner to the kids and the men. Yay for machismo culture <insert sarcasm>. My father and my uncles drank together while they joked around. I remember playing with my cousins or following my sister upstairs with our teenage cousins to the bedroom with the TV to watch music videos with George Michael ,Rick Astley blasting on MTV. Maybe that’s how I acquired my sometimes basic taste in music.

I also remember that since we were away from adults, our cousins took the opportunity to teach me and my sister all of the bad words in English. Haha. Another fond memory that comes to mind is the newest babies being passed around the aunts or the older female cousins. There wasn’t such a thing as asking permission from the parents for their baby unless of course the child is being nursed. I also remember hating the taste of turkey. It tasted like rubber to me.

me and almost all of my cousins circa 1987, I’m in front in the frilly blue dress

There was warmth and laughter in this idyllic setting of Thanksgiving but that’s not the whole picture. There was also unpleasantness. My mom is one of nine children and with that many personalities; there was no way to avoid drama when all of them gathered in one space. There were more than a few petty conflicts between family members on Thanksgiving and other holidays gatherings.

My mother decided after a couple of Thanksgivings it would be better to celebrate Thanksgiving at home by ourselves. So my mother learned how to season and make a turkey and stuffing. Instead of the traditional green bean casserole or sweet potato pie; our sides were Peruvian Potato Salad and Macaroni Salad accompanied by Peruvian Hot Chocolate and Dad’s famous alcoholic Peruvian eggnog. We would watch movies rented from the local video store while we waited for the turkey to be ready. When my dad started getting tipsy, he would start playing Spanish Christmas Carols, Huaynos, and Musica Criolla. It was music that my teenage sister would cringe at and me and my brother would tolerate. I didn’t realize then but I do realize now that my father was in his own way trying to make sure that we wouldn’t forget our roots as we were living this new life in America. My parents tried their best to make sure that our strong Peruvian culture and traditions were not forgotten as we acclimated to the the new Americanized way of living. When dinner was ready, we would sit down at the table. I ,being the youngest and most impressionable by my then Catholic School upbringing, would ask the family to say a prayer and ask them to say something they were thankful for. I think I was seven or eight at the time but I guess my parents thought it was a good tradition to start. And of course, my siblings would get annoyed but they did it.

Despite those first few Thanksgivings when we lived very much under the poverty line; it was still a happy time for us as a family. My parents made sure that Thanksgiving was almost always filled with  warmth, love, and laughter. One could say that  what Thanksgiving meant to my newly arrived immigrant family then  was learning how to incorporate our culture into a new American holiday like Thanksgiving. While my parents understood the importance of assimilation; they still made sure me and my siblings didn’t forget our culture.  Today, I’m filled with gratitude that my parents brought the best of both cultures to Thanksgiving and most holidays in their own unique way. I’ve been able to bring these bicultural traditions to my own family while also making new traditions.

me and my family circa 1986, I’m the one sitting on my mom’s lap

Poetry: Excuses

This was another poem about Paul. The first guy that would break my heart via email. I still don’t understand what was so hard about picking up the phone. Then, again, I might be a hypocrite saying that. Lol.

Where is the lie tho?

I need to be alone right now
was your excuse
Never your intention to hurt me
Was what you said
I’m still in love with her
was what you meant
Meaningless piece of ass
was what I meant to you

Poetry: So You

So I really needed therapy then. Hahaha. This is another salty poem from the great breakup of 2001.This poem is obviously directed at “S” ex-wife who let me know he was cheating on me. Thinking back on it now, I was pretty cruel to the poor girl on the phone. Any anger I had felt should been directed at him and not her. She was in the same situation I was in.

And that dynamite exploded

So you got my man
Thank you for getting him off my hands
So you think he loves you
It’s just a line to fuck you
So you think I still want him
I could care less about such a sorry thing
So you think you are meant to be
You are blind too, I see
So you think he’s the real deal
He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel
So you think you’re lucky
You got yourself another false story
So you think I’m saying this because I’m super pissed
Nah, I’m saying this cause you’re another girl on
his growing list

Poetry: I Thought

Another poem written about the great breakup of 2001. This is a great example of my black and white thinking that comes with having BPD. LMAO.

Me with my nephew in 2001 around the time I wrote this poem

I thought you were kind
I never thought you would destroy after a short time
I thought you loved me
I never thought you would betray me
I thought we were meant to be
I never thought you would cheat on me
I thought I was the only one you cared about
I never thought lying was what you were about
I thought you were my dream come true
I never thought you weren’t being true
I thought I could put my trust in you
I never thought you would make me so blue

Poetry: Dear Brad

I wrote this poem in 2002 about Brad, my former friend who lied to me for about a decade. Before I wrote this poem, we had met up maybe once and fooled around. After that, I tried to make it go back to a platonic friendship but he kept pressuring me for more.

I feel so fucking bad
My dear friend Brad
I know that you were displeased
I never meant for to think I was a tease
But I can no longer be that girl
That doesn’t know her worth
And is okay with being a “good lay”
Sorry for not being able to be your booty call
It’s just that I have learned
That if I want respect
I have to be firm
I hope you’ll forgive me and understand
And we can again be friends and hang

Poetry: You’re Fired (*trigger warning*)

I wrote this about my ex Juan in the year 2000.Juan was an interesting character. I met him in October of 1999 while I was working at a gas station. We dated from October to December. He was either super charismatic or I was super dumb. We had fun. Since we lived with our parents, we had to be creative as to where we would have sex. I remember one time we had sex at work during my shift on my boss’ desk. Lol. However, Juan also conned me out of almost $3000 I had saved up saying his family needed the money. I hated myself afterwards. I also cheated on him with Sam. Anyways, Juan ghosted me in December and tried to come back sometime around January or February of the next year. I agreed to meet him because I was interested in getting my money back. Well, I got in his car and while he was driving around my neighborhood, he kept trying to put his hand in between my legs. I kept pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop and kept getting more aggressive. Idk how but eventually I gathered my strength and anger and elbowed him in the crotch and managed to get out of the moving car. I never heard from him again. I should have been traumatized from that incident but I wasn’t. I think that while I was in the car with him, I was more pissed than scared of him. Looking back at this incident, it feels crazy that this didn’t affect me.

Me and Juan in November of 99
Not a lie…lol

My dear amor
How can I tell you?
That I no longer love you
How can I hurt you?
By saying that all of the extraordinary feeling I once felt
have gone and faded away from my heart and soul
It’s not that I’ve falling in love with someone new
It’s just that our special bond has been broken in two
When you use to kiss me I used to think I was in heaven
Now I just feel empty
So sorry to say, but baby you’re fired