I wrote this poem in 2001. I think that this poem was inspired by seeing what one of my family members was going through during their separation.
life is strange
Walking through this house so full in every single room are memories of you the living room where you held me the kitchen where we dined the bedroom we made love kind of hard to imagine all that is left, are pictures of you in my mind but I have to accept that this house will be empty and cold just like my heart since you left without saying goodbye
I wrote this in January of 2002 after I met my married coworker Lucas to who I became attracted to . I think I had just known him for a week but right away I became infatuated with him.
sometimes you can’t help who you’re attracted to
What am I doing? Longing and yearning For something that so obviously not meant to be What am I doing? Hoping and wishing that you’ll leave her soon so you’ll be my love king What am I doing? Allowing to lose myself Driving me to confess That there’s something I feel Maybe this time it’s for real
I’m not sure which ex I wrote this about but this is the general feeling I have when a relationship is going well. My anxiety goes up and I catastrophized. This was written in 2000.
I am scared That my heart will tear I am worried One day you’ll be sorry I’m so frightened It’s just a matter of when I am just tired After so many liars My mind is stuck Thinking you just want to fuck I am careful Trying to not end up a fool
I wrote this in September of 2001, I guess I was frustrated with dating because it sucked getting stuck in relationships I had no business being in. Half the time, I did it to not be lonely but then I found myself miserable.
the magic is in you
A Liberal Kind of Love
Holding hands and kisses on the cheeks is what we are no longer about
Hot and sweaty bodies fucking with a goodbye note in the morning is now our nature
Respect, honesty, and trust are long forgotten words
Deception, disillusionments and selfishness are now our sacred words
I wrote this in 2001 about the great breakup of 2001. This is the last poem I wrote about this relationship. One of the aspects that I was hyper focused on during this breakup was being cheated on. Another reason, I flew into a rage was because “S” ex wife would not stop calling me after the breakup. It got to the point I had to change my phone number. She wasn’t exactly mean, I think she was trying to reach out as a fellow victim of “S” deception and wanted someone to process the pain with but I wanted no part of it. It felt too raw and painful for me at the time for me. And she wasn’t the only that called me about “S” cheating on me, there had been another chick by the name of Mariah. Also, the other part was that me and “S” communicated via email after the breakup for a few days just to fight about everything and place blame on each other. Emotions were really high not just on my part but for everyone involved. Also, this situation brought up triggers from my previous relationship with Paul. There are the reasons I went into a rage and ended up writing more than 40 poems about a 6 week long relationship.Reflecting on this now at 40, I can honestly say that I did process and heal from that breakup when it happened. I mean I did write like more than 40 poems about but maybe it’s what I needed to do at the time. I also don’t hold a grudge about “S” or his ex or anyone involved. Everyone was in their early 20s and we were all trying to do our best at that time and maybe our best looks shitty to other people.
maybe we were all counterfeits
You two were made for each other Like the sun was made to be hot To you I was just another toy To play with, But once the newness wore off You decided to go back to Your old comfortable teddy bear Unfortunately old habits are hard to break
I wrote this in December 2001 after seeing my ex “S” from the “great breakup of 2001”. I saw him at mall while I was shopping. I remember not being able to breathe and having to get out of there.
forgiveness is hard
I was minding my own business when I came upon your ugly face I started right away to get restless Thinking how you had been such a fucking waste I hope you didn’t notice How I had forgotten to breathe How the memory of your kiss Came back to me That’s when I had to turn around and leave
I wrote this in January of 2002 about Lucas , my married coworker. We are finally at this chapter of my life; yeah, the one where I fell “in love” with my married coworker. I was 20, almost 21 and he was 31. This was one of the most interesting and tumultuous seasons of my love life due to the crazy circumstances surrounding it but that’s another blog post. Lol.
attraction
And so I finally meet The man of my destiny But of course There is a minor oversight He is bound to another by law But does his face light up when she enters the room? Does he desire me as I desire him? Does he care for her the way I care for him? Does he still want her as bad as I want him?
This is yet another poem inspired by the great breakup of 2001. Most likely, I wrote this poem right after it happened as I still raw processing what happened.
Big Lie
I was stubborn and I got burned by not believing that you were deceiving there were many signs but my heart refused to resign it didn’t want to conceive of the notion that your love was a distortion now I sit in disbelief at how wrong you done me I’m so much better off I know even though it’s almost impossible to let you go so it’s forever goodbye to your twisted love that was a big lie
When me and my family first immigrated to the U.S in September of 1986; Thanksgiving was a foreign concept to us. We were introduced to Thanksgiving by our extended family members who were seasoned veterans in celebrating this American Holiday. I was 5 when I immigrated to this country so my memories of our first or second Thanksgiving are pretty blurry.
What I do remember is going to my uncle’s house where my aunts, uncles and numerous cousins would gather. My mother sat with my aunts and grandmother while they shared the latest chisme (aka-gossip) while they cooked and later on served dinner to the kids and the men. Yay for machismo culture <insert sarcasm>. My father and my uncles drank together while they joked around. I remember playing with my cousins or following my sister upstairs with our teenage cousins to the bedroom with the TV to watch music videos with George Michael ,Rick Astley blasting on MTV. Maybe that’s how I acquired my sometimes basic taste in music.
I also remember that since we were away from adults, our cousins took the opportunity to teach me and my sister all of the bad words in English. Haha. Another fond memory that comes to mind is the newest babies being passed around the aunts or the older female cousins. There wasn’t such a thing as asking permission from the parents for their baby unless of course the child is being nursed. I also remember hating the taste of turkey. It tasted like rubber to me.
me and almost all of my cousins circa 1987, I’m in front in the frilly blue dress
There was warmth and laughter in this idyllic setting of Thanksgiving but that’s not the whole picture. There was also unpleasantness. My mom is one of nine children and with that many personalities; there was no way to avoid drama when all of them gathered in one space. There were more than a few petty conflicts between family members on Thanksgiving and other holidays gatherings.
My mother decided after a couple of Thanksgivings it would be better to celebrate Thanksgiving at home by ourselves. So my mother learned how to season and make a turkey and stuffing. Instead of the traditional green bean casserole or sweet potato pie; our sides were Peruvian Potato Salad and Macaroni Salad accompanied by Peruvian Hot Chocolate and Dad’s famous alcoholic Peruvian eggnog. We would watch movies rented from the local video store while we waited for the turkey to be ready. When my dad started getting tipsy, he would start playing Spanish Christmas Carols, Huaynos, and Musica Criolla. It was music that my teenage sister would cringe at and me and my brother would tolerate. I didn’t realize then but I do realize now that my father was in his own way trying to make sure that we wouldn’t forget our roots as we were living this new life in America. My parents tried their best to make sure that our strong Peruvian culture and traditions were not forgotten as we acclimated to the the new Americanized way of living. When dinner was ready, we would sit down at the table. I ,being the youngest and most impressionable by my then Catholic School upbringing, would ask the family to say a prayer and ask them to say something they were thankful for. I think I was seven or eight at the time but I guess my parents thought it was a good tradition to start. And of course, my siblings would get annoyed but they did it.
Despite those first few Thanksgivings when we lived very much under the poverty line; it was still a happy time for us as a family. My parents made sure that Thanksgiving was almost always filled with warmth, love, and laughter. One could say that what Thanksgiving meant to my newly arrived immigrant family then was learning how to incorporate our culture into a new American holiday like Thanksgiving. While my parents understood the importance of assimilation; they still made sure me and my siblings didn’t forget our culture. Today, I’m filled with gratitude that my parents brought the best of both cultures to Thanksgiving and most holidays in their own unique way. I’ve been able to bring these bicultural traditions to my own family while also making new traditions.
me and my family circa 1986, I’m the one sitting on my mom’s lap
This was another poem about Paul. The first guy that would break my heart via email. I still don’t understand what was so hard about picking up the phone. Then, again, I might be a hypocrite saying that. Lol.
Where is the lie tho?
I need to be alone right now was your excuse Never your intention to hurt me Was what you said I’m still in love with her was what you meant Meaningless piece of ass was what I meant to you
I wrote this in 2001 about my ex Paul after he broke up with me via email after a couple of months dating. This is the last of the poems about Paul. Here is my blog post about my story with him:
I wrote this in 2000 about Sam. He was my FWB for over year and of course I developed feelings for him. I also felt guilt and shame because I was the “other woman” during that entire time. I also kept sleeping with him even though I was suppose to be a few “monogamous” relationships during that time. Maybe that’s why I have trust issues. I know how shitty and dishonest people can be because I’ve been shitty and dishonest myself. I also have this habit for falling for people I have no business falling for.
My friend Sam I like having you as my special friend I like it when we get together and we have wild and crazy sex You make me feel better than when I’m with him I suppose that it’s because it’s just sex The more I’m with you, the more i look into that beautiful ocean I call your eyes, the more I hear the achy familiar sound of your voice when you answer the phone,the more tender kisses you give me all over, I’m falling in a dangerous Situation here, the lust that I’m suppose to be feeling for you is now falling into this deeper emotion called love I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t supposed to happen I know that you belong to another and I know she’s the one you love and to you I’m nothing more than a warm body to warm you up at your convenience This is why I have to leave you my special friend Sam I can’t stand hearing your heys of feeling your tender kisses all over my body and just tonight I’m all yours but tomorrow forget I ever existed in your life With this my friend I say goodbye and I hope you live happily ever after with the love of your life
I wrote this in 2002 after a trip to California. That trip was strange for me. I was filled with nostalgia but also felt triggered by revisiting traumatic parts of my childhood during that trip. I did make peace with my past during that trip. I don’t talk much about my childhood because of the trauma attached to it but I think I need to. We should talk about the things that are hard to talk about. I believe that my childhood trauma played a big part in me having BPD.
The 2 bedroom apt I grew up in from ages 5 to 11 My aunt, me and my grandmother during that trip. My aunt was not a nice lady BUT thats another blog post .
Gone back to my old miserable childhood world Everything has changed and yet remains the same Old memories I had buried in the back of my mind Come crawling back to the surface Of the pain, poverty, and misery That scared little girl emerges once again But this time as a brave woman To proclaim that she is no longer Frightened by the people who caused her so much hurt
I wrote this poem in 2001. It’s another poem about the “great breakup” of 2001. I think part of the reason I took that breakup so hard was that I had idealized that relationship thinking finally I found the one. Lol. I was just really tired of jumping into relationships time after time and them not working out.
Yeah..I was mad..lol
I thought I was the only one in your heart I never thought that the time would come when you’d say “It’s time we part” It never crossed my mind that there was somebody else I always thought you were only mine I thought we had more time