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Poetry: Maybe One Day

I wrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had figured out that John wasn’t for me but I prayed to God that maybe he was a preview of the love I hoped for.

my truth

Perhaps you’re not the man
God meant to send me
But the fantasy
I’ve always dreamed of
Someone so innocent
And passionate at the same time
So sheltered from the world
But you still contain a fountain of wisdom
Beyond your 23 years
I know already not to make too much of this
I just have one wish
That one day I’ll meet someone
like you again in my future
And he will be the one
Forever meant for me

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Poetry: Could I Be The One?

I wrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had only known him a couple of weeks and had already become so infatuated with him and obsessed.

love is an adventure

Could I be the one
who makes you stop having fun?
Could I be the girl
who becomes your whole world?
Could I be the light
in your darkest nights?
Could I be the passion
who becomes your inspiration?
Could I be the hope
Who helps you cope
Could I be the love of your life
and possibly even your wife?

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Poetry: Finally

I wrote this in April 2002 after sleeping with Lucas for the first time. This situation was fucked up and crazy for many reasons but that’s another story time blog post. Let’s just say that I’m not great at making the best life choices at times.

Anais is not wrong

I finally fucked
the forbidden married man
It was good, it was great
it was wonderful
It was a heaven full of ecstasy
It was dirty, it was shameful
it was ugly
It was a hell full of guilt

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Poetry: Pretending

I wrote this in 2002 about Matt. I think that the experience with him really put any residual abandonment issues from my childhood to the forefront. Interactions with him throughout my son’s childhood were hard emotionally for me for this reason.

exactly

We meet once again
And you pretend to be my friend
Like nothing ever happened
Like I forgot you never took a stand?
To be a father to our son
How can you be so damn dumb?
How could it have taken you so long?
To finally admit you were wrong
But I’ll forgive you
But I won’t ever forget the hell
you put us through
Just remember
It can never go back
To the way we once were

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Poetry: Lucas’Song

I wrote this in December of 2002 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas. I was pretty obsessed with him. I have this saying, “just because someone stops loving you doesn’t mean you automatically stop loving them.” Having BPD and being me means that when I get obsessed with someone, that “love” I feel doesn’t go away easily. It sucks but it is what it is.

heartbreak is hard to get over

I heard your song tonight
And my mind surrendered
To the memory of your baby face
and that achingly unique voice
It made me realize
How much I still miss you
and love you
It make me think
How lucky I had been
to have had you in my life
if even for a short while

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Poetry: Special Friend

I wrote this in June of 2002 about Lucas after I had slept with him for the last time. I’m pretty sure that this was after I had started dating Damon. I guess I was looking for love wherever I could get it.

it’s still hard tho

After making love to him
I lie awake in his arms
And the only thought
that crosses thru my mind
is that “I want to stay here
With you my love”

But even wishing something like that
Would be violated by our complicated lives
And maybe even regretful sacrifices

So I lie in bed in a life
that is anything but the truth
and wonder to myself

If to you,
I will ever be worth more
Than just your special friend

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Poetry: Do I Know?

I wrote this poem in June of 2002 and almost 20 years later, I still have the same questions. Lol. At this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever know what romantic love and that’s okay. My life is filled with all kinds of different love that I’m not focused on finding romantic love or really care to.

if only

I want to write about love
but do I really know what it is
Is it a certain look?
Or a certain action?
Is it caring for someone’s happiness
more than your own?
Or is it being with the one
that makes you crazy
and your heart race
with the sound of their voice?
What is love?

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Poetry: Cherish

I wrote this in early 2002 about my married coworker Lucas. I remember going out to lunch with him one day and writing this poem about it the next day.

yeah, it felt that intense

As I look upon him with my dopey love eyes
I wonder how he would feel next to me
at this exact moment
As we are listening to this song
and looking at each other at this very moment
I wonder what his exact feelings are
Maybe it’s something I can never know
or feel for sure
but this moment with him
is something I can forever cherish

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Poetry: Precious Moments

I wrote this in 2002 about my ex Andrew whom I dated briefly in 1997/1998. Well, we’ll call him the first Andrew because I love to recycle names. Lol. I had a tendency to get nostalgic about because the love and infatuation I felt for him was really, really intense. Also, our story was kind of crazy in its own right but that’s another blogpost. I’ll just say that I idealize him and placed him on a pedestal for many, many years after we broke up.

so true

I think of you tonight
More than I do on most nights
Listening to this melancholic song
Brings back all of those precious moments
With you in my mind
When we were each other’s whole world
And nothing or no one else
mattered except you and I
And I wonder if I ever run through
that beautiful mind of yours
Or if I ever reached your heart
if even for the briefest moment

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Poetry: Looking Forward

I wrote this in 2002 fantasizing about the love and life I wanted. Poor 21 year old me, she was so damn naïve.

it’s a lesson in learning my worth

I’m looking forward to spending the rest of my life
wrapped up in your arms
I’m looking forward to newlywed bliss
Having a little one with your gorgeous smile
And in old age, sitting in our rocking chairs on the front porch
I’m looking forward to petty arguments, responsibility, and bills
What I’m looking forward to the most is to being your wife

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Poetry: Infatuation

I wrote this in January of 2002 about my married coworker Damon. When I have a crush on someone, I kind of use to get obsessed about them. It’s borderline Joe Goldberg vibes. Lol. I can’t tell if it was me having BPD or me being a normal 20 year old.

that’s how I felt

So I look at you
with my droopy lovesick eyes
And talk to you with my schoolgirl crush voice
Because that’s all I can ever do
It can never go further than that
Because you’re married to another
And that’s something I’m obligated to respect
The only thing left for me to do
is to stay away from you
maybe then my obsession
Will slowly disappear