me in September of 2022 before boarding a plane to Lima
my mother tells me to dress modestly no loud lipstick, short skirts,tight or revealing clothing I represent my family and currency in my country is prestige and social status- so I need to dress like the hija del ingeniero- it’s the remnants my parents hold on to from their former lives so I’ll put on my mask of señora de la sociedad pretend I care about trivial things mask my true identity of being a socialist, a feminist, and a crazy bitch It’s the least I can do for the people who sacrificed themselves for a better life for me
What’s the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten?
Ceviche, ceviche, ceviche you are a national treasure to me your origin is mysterious your taste is juicy and tasty ceviche, ceviche, ceviche, you are an explosion of ecstacy because you feel like you’re making love to my mouth with every bite I melt inside
la ira y furia de mis antepasados femeninas viven en mi ellas me visitan en sueños y me mandan mensajes que cuentan sus historias, sus verdades aunque duelan, aunque algunas me llamaran sádica y dramática ellas me inquietan y me dicen es tiempo de gritar todas las injusticias y trastornos vividow que nuestras muertes no han sido en vano y aunque lloro y trato de ignorar la llamada de la sangre es inevitable-fui escogida- para sus venganzas, para sus historias de redención
wonder how it happened- the transaction between beatriz’ papi and luis did beatriz have any say in her future betrothal did she have dreams as a little girl about her future husband did she even love Luis or just tolerate him because it’s what was expected of her how did it happen did she wish for a different life for her daughters one where they loved their husbands one where they were treated like humans and not treated like cattle
overwhelmed by the sights and sounds at jorge chavez airport fast castellano coming from everyone with cumbia in the background machu picchu advertisements everywhere my mind is trying to process everything in real time I’m here, I’m here, I’m here the land of inca cola, ceviche and my ancestors land that I haven’t seen since the age of 9 and didn’t fully appreciate it happy and completely elated euphoria and goosebumps felt from my bones to my skin I never thought I’d see it again poverty kept me away but I’m here, I’m here, I’m here my beloved Perú the land I left without consent the land I was taught to menospreciar I’m here, I’m here, I’m here and I can’t wait to get reacquainted with you mi tierra-once again
my dream job would involve writing and traveling . I can imagine myself somewhere in some foreign country drinking coffee in some cafe where I write poetry as I’m people watching as I blast music in my ear buds.
It’s been 2 years since my BPD diagnosis and some things have changed, some things have remained the same. I still have the same two jobs and still adhere to my strict routine of consistency and routine with exercise, writing, and therapy. I’m still on the same meds for my anxiety and depression. All of that has helped with my continued progress and growth. And I still continue to suffer from major depressive episodes but it’s not as bad as it used to be and here’s a blog I wrote about it recently:
What has changed overall has been me. I remember last year writing about how I was living an authentic life and while that was mostly true, there was still something I had to take care of to make this true, my divorce and telling my youngest son about it. I went back to therapy to navigate these big feelings in actually starting the process and following through and telling my youngest son about it. I’m glad to report, I filed for divorce a couple of months ago and told my son who took it better than I expected. After this, I felt like this major burden of guilt and grief has been lifted off from me. It was hard, really hard to have lied about this part of my life for the past four years to my son and to other family members. Three of those years, I felt like I was leading a double life as I had to be careful not to let one part of my life bleed into the other. It was awful and reflecting back on this, I think this was a major trigger for my mental health breakdown in the summer of 2021. Feeling guilt and shame with the immensity of emotions that comes with BPD is horrible and something I would never wish on my worst enemy.
me and my youngest son on his birthday
Another major thing that happened in year 2 is that I took two trips to my homeland, Peru. The first one was in September of 2022 and the second one was in March of this year. Both times I went, it was amazing and the first trip helped me reconnect with my roots and find a sense of identity I had been searching for all of this time. I hadn’t been back since I was 9 so it had been 32 years since I had been home. It was strange, glorious, amazing and overwhelming at the same time. It felt like I finally found a piece within me that had been missing all of this time.
Finally home after 32 years -September of 2022
The second trip was even better because I took my oldest son who hadn’t been on a plane since he was an infant and we got to visit my dad’s hometown of Oxapampa. I think I’m still processing that trip because it was so special and meaningful to take my son to Peru and show him his and my roots. I’m honestly still processing both trips and I’ll write about both of them later. What I can say is that both trips helped in my healing and recovery process from my BPD symptoms. Before, I was still floundering when it came to trying to establish a stable identity. That changed radically after I came back from my first trip.
me and my oldest son in Oxapampa, Peru in April of this year-the beer in Oxapampa is the BEST EVER-anything else is MID
Life on the BPD 