I wrote this poem in December of 2002 cause well dating sucks and it’s still timely. Haha.
I hate playing this stupid game
Called dating
Trying to decide
Which move to make
So you can have him at checkmate
It’s no longer about falling in love
Or even real feelings
But it’s about winning
So if sit here wanting to hear hisvoice
I don’t dare give in to this yearning
To want to call him
Because then they’ll almost be winning
Escribi este poema en Diciembre del 2002 porque estaba amarga y triste que los hombres siempre me tratan como un juguete.
Los hombres me miran
y yo sé que ven
Nada más que ese algo pasajero
Que nunca de amor se atrevería hablar
Pero ya me canse
De la manera que me ven
Porque yo soy más
que un cuerpo en sus camas
Porque yo tengo sentimientos
Y quisiera algo verdadero a mi lado
Porque ya no quiero ser
Nada más que una de sus muchas amantes
Porque algún día quisiera tener
Un verdadera hombre
Que me vea mas allá
Que una de sus muchas faldas
Y va a querer saber quien soy en realidad
Para empezar a amarme!
Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de todos los pinches canallas que me han roto el corazón.
Adiós es todo lo que se puede decir
Cuando tu ser mas querido te hace sufrir
Aguantarte el derrame de lágrimas
Es lo que tienes que hacer
Para que el vea
Que eres una mujer fuerte
Callarte los gritos dolorosos
Y no le mirés a sus ojos
Y sonreír por más doloroso que sea
Para salvar alguna parte de tu dignidad
Y para que el vea
Que no logró su meta
De hacer lo que quiera contigo
Que para él no más fuiste un juego
Y después cuando él se arrepiente
De ser un desgraciado ser
Tu le puedes decir por fin
Nunca más te deseo cerca de mi
I wrote this in December of 2002 and it wasn’t inspired by any breakups, it might have been inspired by a movie I watched or a book I read.
I woke up one day
To see that you had gone away
All you left was a note
You could no longer cope
With our love mess
You had tried your very best
To be the man I wanted you to be
The one who only cared for me
You had only pretended to be true
And now you say the time has come
You’re sorry it took so damn long
All that is left is goodbye
You tell me to not even ask why
You wish me the best in life
One day I’ll make a great wife
And with your signature you sign off
I hope that someday you’ll find true love
I wrote this about John in 2002 when he ghosted me. I really liked him so I was really sad. Feelings of worthlessness came up and it was hard to not feel so shitty.
Our love has ended I know
There’s nothing more to say
To make you stay
We were too different, you said
I guess I was just too damn naive
To think someone like you
Could fall in love with an ordinary girl like me
I wrote this in December of 2002. This was written about John before he ghosted me. If you can’t tell already, I have a tendency to idealize the men in my life.
I haven’t felt this way in a while
I just get high from talking to you
You just drive me so damn wild
You just don’t know
How you about kill me
When you have to go
Now I couldn’t even imagine
Living without your presence
You are my most wonderful sin
And I will pray every night
That my love you never try to fight
I wrote this about John in 2002 after he ghosted me after taking me to see his mom. His mother didn’t approve of me-an uneducated single mom. It was rough and of course I took it personally. So John fell off my pedestal and it was a long fall.
Perhaps you feel too smart
to let someone as ordinary as me
into your heart
Perhaps you think I’m not good enough
to be deserving of your love
Perhaps you are only sure
I’m just good for pleasure
Perhaps you wear a know it all smirk
And believe I’m just like any other girl
Perhaps you believe in your head
I’m only good to warm up your bed
But darling I’m sorry to say
You won’t get your way
Because I respect myself too much
To let myself melt with your touch
Because I am worth a lot more
than any of your trophy whores
Because I have an actual mind
Without you I’ll be just fine
But mostly because I would never fall
For someone so extremely false
I wrote this poem in 2006 about my middle child who was toddler at a time. He’s actually my birthday twin and very much like me personality wise.
My son throws his blocks
They hit me like rocks
So much damn temper
Within my little fellow
Little does he know
About the bad people that sew
many, many spiderwebs
to put you under duress
and he throws and he throws
Like life’s unexpected woes
Those wooden things hit my head
he won’t listen to what I say
He sure has an arm
for knowing how to harm
In this just a phase
in this life of a maze
Finally he stops and looks
It is another tantrum in the books
I think this is a preview
to his ever changing mood
Escribí este poema en el 2002 acerca de Matt, el padre de mi hijo mayor. Estaba bien amarga y desilusionada con el de nuevo después de que el nos rechazo otra vez mas.
Un día veras
Que no podrás mas
Y te arrepentirás
De día que decidiste olvidarte
De ese niño y esa mujer
Quien te pedía que te acuerdes
Que duro sera
Tendría que explicarle a él
Que tu su padre nunca quisiste ser
Y
Un día pensaras
Que error fue dejarlos atrás
Y tus lágrimas saldrán
Por no poder parar
El odio y rencor que él sentirá
Y
Un día sera muy tarde
Para querer ser su papa
I wrote this about Matt in 2002. He stopped contacting me after his visit in November and I was beyond pissed. So I did what I normally did after feeling rejected and abandoned, I devalued him to the point that he became dead to me.
You’ve become dead to me
That day, you decided to leave
And again decided to forget
Everything you had said
That you’d try your hardest
To give us your best
That you’d love to
Be there for us on cue
That we really are special
And pain on us wouldn’t befall
But once again, I was wrong
You sing the same deadbeat song
But thankfully, this time, I was prepared
For you to once again fail
So don’t ever come back
And pretend to be sad
Because you’ve become nothing to us
When once again, you left us in the dust
I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt. Even thought I was still resentful over the trauma I had been through because of him, I still had a somewhat idealistic perspective over what happened between us during the time we spent together. It was weird.
I never thought seeing you again
Would make my world tremble again
I thought I was over this
A few years back
When I was left with nothing
But the faint memory of your lips
But seeing you again like this
Brings back all of these memories
of our beautiful past
I wrote this poem on February 22, 2021. I wrote this while I still in a relationship with my most recent ex. I really thought he would be the one to stay but it wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. I look at year 39 that in spite of facing constant depression and craziness because of COVID, I still had something important in life and that was love even if at the end it didn’t work out. It was a year full of magical moments that I will never regret.
Last day of thirty nine
and I look back on this decade
with love and no regrets
The decade started with my third
miracle of life
and ended with the miracle of love
The decade started with a once stable
and normal suburban life
and ended with a chaotically busy and poly life
The decade started with a half loved marriage
and ended with an almost separation
Toxicity ruled 2 and a half years of the decade
but he left
Now I’m left with a new determination
to fulfill my potential and let no one
or nothing stop me
I wrote this on February 22, 2020. I had started working at Kroger in October of the previous year, was still trying to stop my situationship with “C”, and had just started dating my most recent ex-the second Andrew. I was becoming hyper aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns and didn’t want to repeat them and had my guard up but life happens and well I fell in love.
On the last day of 38
I’m filled with so much hate
Hate for the life I never had
Hate for me and my soon to be ex spouse
and for our toxic codependency
The year has been filled with highs and lows-
I was prolific with my poetry about my toxic lover
My toxic lover that follows
a pattern of toxic lovers
since the age of 15
Toxic lovers that abused me, used me,
and discarded me like trash-
Toxic lovers that made me
question my worth
Toxic lovers that left me breathless
with chemistry that felt like a drug
Toxic lovers that I kept coming back to
out of the habit of not loving myself enough
Toxic lovers that never want to define an “us”
Toxic lovers-that starting 2 weeks ago
I will leave forever alone
And on year 38
with all of my hate and rage
for my mediocre life
I decided to fight
Fight with determination and purpose
for the life me and my kids deserve
Fight with my body
working endless hours
with fatigue and sore knees
for the future I always wanted
A future that looks independent and thriving
on my own
A future that will become
my own universe who no one can enter
I may cry, I may want to die
but I will not give up-
not when I’m so close
And even though I met a ray of hope
with my first lover’s name
towards the end of year 38
My walls will stay up and guarded
No piece of my vulnerability
Will be exposed to him
until I’m sure it’s not the same old toxic codependent story
On the last day of thirty eight
I work on inner healing
I work on inner peace
I work on goals
to finally emerge as a butterfly on year 39
On the last day of 38
I say forever goodbye to toxic patterns and lovers
I say forever goodbye to the old insecure me
to welcome the new and confident me-
I say forever goodbye to my once comfortable
and mediocre life to welcome a universe
full of great potential–
I wrote this in late 2002. It was about a coworker I was crushing on. I think this was the coworker that I left a love note for under his windshield wiper. Yeah, that was one of my cringiest/most Joe Goldberg like moment. Haha.
I got the short end of the stick
When you were the one my heart picked
For I know how you feel
You and me could never be real
What you don’t know is that
Even though I’m not a doormat
I would do almost anything for you
Even if it meant dying for you
You probably don’t even notice
How much I long for just one kiss
It would send me into a universe of happiness
Too bad you don’t think I’m the best
You may not know me
But you’ve already judged me
It’s so hard to discard of the notion
That we’ll never share a love emotion
You’ll be my discarded crush
The one I will forever lust
I wrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had figured out that John wasn’t for me but I prayed to God that maybe he was a preview of the love I hoped for.
Perhaps you’re not the man
God meant to send me
But the fantasy
I’ve always dreamed of
Someone so innocent
And passionate at the same time
So sheltered from the world
But you still contain a fountain of wisdom
Beyond your 23 years
I know already not to make too much of this
I just have one wish
That one day I’ll meet someone
like you again in my future
And he will be the one
Forever meant for me
Life on the BPD 