Poetry: Home

I wrote this in March of 2003 when I went back to Hawaii. I had a lot of conflicting feelings about this trip.

Waikiki Beach

I’m back here
Where it all started
A place I once called home
But now I’m not so sure
I always wonder if I should’ve stayed
But now I see why I had to go away
It is filled with both
Beautiful memories
of the loved ones I left behind
And ugly memories
of the ones that left me behind
when I needed them the most
I don’t regret coming back
Because it’s what I needed
In order to heal and move on
from you my past, and let you go

Reflection: NapoWrimo Challenge

So last month was poetry month and there is an event called NapoWrimo where poets challenge themselves to write one poem every day for the month of April. Here is a link to information about it: 

https://www.napowrimo.net/

I found out about the event last year but didn’t do it because I was in the middle of moving and way too busy at the time. This year, I decided to give it a try because I was in a better mindset and I had time. Also, since last year, I’ve been writing poetry on an almost daily basis so I didn’t think it would be too hard. I also wanted to post a poem a day on social media but that didn’t happen. Life got crazy with kids and my two jobs so I took a social media break in early April to focus on real life. However, I still updated my blog and still wrote poetry. During the month of April, I’ve averaged writing  between 9 to 12 poems a day. I’ve used prompts from Instagram and my own prompts to write so much and here’s a few examples of them:

I made prompts from lyrics

One thing that really helped me with this challenge was to turn off my internal editor. What this means is anything goes when I write even if it sounds shitty or terrible at the time that I write it down. I tell myself, I can always go back and revise it later. I also gave myself permission to not judge anything I write down and to really have self compassion for myself no matter what comes out. This gave me absolute freedom to write. I’ve also been sharing on my blog a poem or two from this challenge on a daily basis. It was hard at first because I was sharing raw and unedited work that sometimes doesn’t make sense BUT I said fuck it. I’m not claiming to be a good poet or a good writer. I’m well aware of my flaws and limits when it comes to my writing and I’ll address them someday. With this challenge, I wanted to just focus on writing even if what came out was cringy or repetitive or super emotional. I also want to mention that while this writing exercise challenged my creativity; it also opened the door to process parts of unhealed trauma which led to more healing. I know what you’re all thinking, how much more healing does this bitch need to do? Trust me, I’ve asked myself the same thing every day. I could write a whole book on healing from past trauma but I won’t. I’ll leave that to the experts. I guess my main takeaway from NapoWrimo was that for me to do it and be successful at it, it was important to turn off judgment and my internal editor. Something I didn’t expect from this exercise was how therapeutic it ended up being for me. I also didn’t expect for so much of the poetry I posted to be well received by my followers. I’m honestly humbled and grateful every time I get a like or comment about anything I write because it’s hard to imagine sometimes that my brand of messy and crazy resonates with anyone.  My advice when it comes to doing this kind of exercise is the obvious: shut down your internal editor and turn off judgment. Also, don’t be afraid to just write even if it doesn’t make sense why you’re writing it or how it comes out on paper. There’s a purpose and reason behind your words even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Most importantly, write from the heart with loads of self compassion. While I shared what I wrote and really liked that aspect; I won’t tell you to do the same. It’s up to you if you want to write just for yourself (which is okay) or to share with the world (that’s okay too). Below are some of favorite poems from this writing challenge:

Poetry: Letter to My Former Lover

I wrote this in January of 2003 about Lucas. I was doing what I normally do, obsessing over past love because I was lonely. At least I wrote this poem instead of trying to track him down.

damn…a hard truth

My dear Luke
I Still miss you
Even after your unexpected departure
My heart feels a terrible torture
Of not having you by my side
I wonder if for me, you ever cried
Why couldn’t you stay?
Instead of leaving on that dreary day
Why did you have to go?
Nobody else could’ve loved you more
I know my letter may seem strange to you
But my heart finds it hard to replace you
I have tried so hard to move on
But it’s impossible to go on
I guess I should say goodbye
Before I start to cry
But before I do this
I gotta tell you my wish
that you find what you need
Even if it’s without me
And if you ever find yourself in love
Understand that you’re enough
and that you fight for it
Don’t run away from it
So now I say goodbye my friend
Maybe one day I’ll see you again

Poesía: Parar de Amarte

Escribí este poema en el 2003 acerca de Lucas. La nostalgia de el me visitaba frecuentemente y eso me inspiraba bastante.

Cuantos años pasaran
Para pararte de amar
Cuantos labios besare
Para sacarte de mi mente
Cuantos pensamientos más tendré de ti
Hasta poder olvidarme de ti
Cuando se me quitara este deseo
De querer vivir contigo en un sueño
Cuando parare
De quererte ver

Poesia: La Misma Historia

Escribi este poema en 2003 acerca de John.

Yo no quería hacer
La misma historia
De la mujer usada
Pero al ver la indiferencia con la
que me tratas
Yo veo que para ti
No tengo nada de importancia
Que para ti
Nada soy y nunca seré
Pero un dia
Te vas a lamentar
Cuando después de un tiempo
De nuevo me miraras
Y te moriras
Al no poder tocarme
Y los remordimientos vendrán
Por haberme menos preciado
Y por haber sido conmigo
Un desgraciado

Poesía: Bellos Sentimientos

Escribí este poema en enero de 2003 acerca de un amor que deseaba. Todavía vivía con la illusion de encontrar un amor así.

Me tienes llena de estos bellos sentimientos
con tus tiernas caricias y la maravilla que son tus besos
me devolviste la fe
Por ser aquel hombre
que sabe como tratar a una mujer
Contigo deseo amanecer
Me tienes siempre pensando en ti
Y la esperanza de tenerte junto a mi
Me haces volar
Y otra vez soñar
Me haces sentir
Y mi sangre hervir
Me vuelves loca
Con tu bella forma de amar
Y a ti siempre me quiero atar

Poetry: Sadness

I wrote this in May of 2003 when I was depressed. At the time, I didn’t think about getting help. I also didn’t understand what was happening to me. No one knew because I had become a master as masking my emotions. Instead poetry was my therapy.

depression is rough

The sadness creeps up on me
like a wild animal
upon its prey
Slowly but surely
I become all too quickly
Miserable again
I ponder the question
Why, why, WHY?
I am young and healthy
Yet I begin to feel
like I’m slipping on thin ice
and what scares me the most
is
I DON”T KNOW WHY?

Poetry: Pretty Princess

me in 2018

I wrote this poem in 2019 while going through a deep depression and reflecting on my crazy year of 2018. I put myself in a place where I was constantly objectified by men and even my friends. It felt good since at that time I felt the high of unhealthy validation for a while but then it got tiring.

Princess 

They call me 

They treat me as such

A Princess

Stuck in a tower

Of a dead end life

A Princess

Objectified 

By everyone 

From strange men

To 

So called good friends

A princess 

Everyone wants to

Save, compliment, or fuck 

But rarely love

Pretty princess

Trapped within 

The walls of a sexist society

Poesia: Gracias

Este poema lo escribí en el 2000. Estaba loca por alguien que me hacía sentir todo.

💘💘💘

Gracias por las noches apasionadas
Que me has brindado
Gracias por tu sonrisa
y esa boca que me vuelve loca
Esas manos que me hacen
Derretir como el sol al hielo
Gracias por llegar a mi vida
Aunque sea por un momento
Gracias por estar aquí