I used the title of this book to inspire the title of this poem
the evidence of my emotional affair stares back at me- taunting me with a smirk- sexy photos exchanged while both of us were legally bonded to other people flirty emails sent back and forth to satisfy my craving for attention I couldn’t get from my husband It was fun and sexy, wasn’t it? We were our own Gen X, low rent version of Ashley Madison seeing how much both of us could get away with- except that for years, it hurt me and caused me so many trust issues after learning you had been married the entire time of our decade long flirtation and you acted like a psychopath when I confronted you with it- like my feelings of betrayal weren’t valid, and you tried to gaslight me into believing I was a crazy bitch and a few years later, I’m divorced and reflect on our torrid affair and shame takes a hold of me as well as regret over that day in the parking lot of second and charles when I gave into my yearning for you- I try to hold compassion for the atrocity of our infidelity and for the younger version of me who was so selfish and allowed her ego to guide her And allowed herself to continue her pseudo friendship With you- allowing you to use me for emotional labor while you slept next to your wife and lied to her and me I’ve tried for years to find forgiveness for you even empathy, tried to not always see you as villain in my story But forgiveness, compassion, and empathy for you Evades me And I’ve come to the conclusion- You’ll always be the most toxic story in my life- One of the three things in my life I’ll forever regret the one who should have left my life once I made vows to my husband but instead you stood there selfishly pushing your lust driven agenda on me- not respecting my marriage or yours one of the three people in my life I’ll never forgive for the impact of trauma You made on me
I long to run free in a world free from prejudice and pride I long to run free in a world free from judgment and ignorance I long to run free in a world that accepts people like me I long to run free in a world where I’m not hypervigilant about toning myself down
La tormenta de mi ira después de otro rechazo viene en español y lloro de cólera y furia porque de nuevo confíe en la persona equivocada y mis antepasados se me acercan y me abrazan me hacen acordar de mi valor y que ninguna persona tiene derecho a menospreciarme pero también me dicen que aprenda de esta lección y que tengo que ser más cuidadosa en seleccionar mis amistades
I looked for a sense of home, a sense of identity in all of the wrong Places – man after man Shopping spree after shopping spree, drink after drink all were temporary fixes for something I never had a stable home, a true sense of identity until one day I realized these temporary bandaids were never or will ever be my home because that sense of home, that sense of identity lies within myself
Susan from Oconee County calls concerned about the smell in the air from the sludge in the farms- and my Latina working class immigrant self rolls her eyes in disgust silently mouthing off- “are you fucking kidding me? another rich bitch on a mission to solve her problems of discomfort in her every day bane of existence” but I quietly listen to her as she talks about how it’s impacting the environment and the drive to the pilates studio because she just has to drive with her windows down to breathe in the autumn air as her PSL cools down in the drink holder but now she can’t enjoy her drive because of the sludge and then she breaks down and cries because of the inconsiderate farmers and I think of 1001 ways her privilege white woman ass is being a bitch and the audacity of how, me, a Latina immigrant working class woman is being forced to listen to her idiotic and inconsequential problems but rent needs to be paid and my kids need to be fed so, instead, I say “m’amn, I understand” in my best and whitest customer service voice- while calling her a pinche estupida pendeja in my head- and I reassure with a smile in my voice and tell her, “I’ll make sure someone get your messages which is of utmost importance, and calls you back” and as I hang up the phone, I want to scream and vomit at the same time thinking “I don’t think this was part of my American Dream”
I saw my mother kill the spark in my father He was my age with many dreams, But I’m different,so different No matter who or What gets in my way,I’ll Knock them out Figuratively or literally to get the life I deserve to accomplish my goals The spark in me stays in me and giving a determination to keep going and to NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!
I know I’ll be okay, I know I’ll be fine I’m the queen of resilience, coming back triumphantly After each tragedy but right now, I need to honor the heaviness of grief that resides within me Acknowledge that for a while, my kids may view me as a villain for breaking up their family for making them products of broken home I gotta feel this residual anger and resentment Directed at myself and my ex for not being able to make our marriage work At least I can say it wasn’t me who gave up easily I was the one who gave my all and best efforts to make it work but one day, I had to accept it for what it was a marriage damaged beyond repair And no amount of meds, therapy, acceptance or healing on my part could have saved it- not when I was always doing 80 percent of the work and he barely gave me any effort and while yes, he did care of our kids and of me he still didn’t help in providing for them, show initiative to better our family or even tried to love me the way I needed to be loved Instead, he hid behind his fatherhood and age To distract me And it wasn’t until the healthiest version of me showed up and got the courage to put a stop to this facade of a marriage and stop our codependent story of love We’ve been modeling for our kids It’s up to me to break this generational curse of toxic love or else our kids won’t know or understand what a healthy and real love story looks like
to reach the next level of my life I need to stand firm in alignment with my values I need to be brave and take the necessary steps for my full autonomy even if it’s painful, even if I start to question the process the end result will be the betterment for me and my sons, a life full of purpose a life where I’m no longer attached to anything and anyone who held me back from reaching my potential
I wrote this poem in September of 2019 and 5 years later, I’m posting it on my 1 year divorce anniversary so this poem is extra special to me.
for real, for real
It seems that my freedom is a long time away it is almost hopeless to get away from my prison of obligations and responsibilities I yearn to escape! I love my kids but I’ve stopped loving their dad the space between us became too wide a long time ago and we can never go back to who we were, who we wanted to be So now I long to be free of these marital chains that once upon a time I longed for As hopeless and as hard as it seems I’m determined to be free from my suburban confinement
summer feels eternal it’s the sixth of september and we’re still in 90-degree weather melting in this heat it’s a global warning with no sign of reprieve it’s a never-ending season that has me sweating and cursing constantly saying FML and calling my friends during panic attacks in the bathroom at work it’s my insanity I can’t seem to rein in all the way, no matter how hard I try and the frustration of it wears me out and make me want to throw in the towel and give up
maybe this is as good as life gets a life half lived but with few regrets Who needs adventure and love when you have the stability of family? Who needs spontaneity and excitement when you have the comfort of home? Who needs connection and chemistry?\ when you have routine and predictability? Maybe this is as good as life gets A life half lived but with few regrets Bored, bored, bored with it all living a woman’s suburban dream of mediocrity to want anything more would break this so-called domestic bliss
I’m looking forward to that pisco sour I’ll have after the judge declares me divorced and free to remarry -ha- that’s the biggest joke ever maybe I’ll land in someone’s bed once again But a ring on my finger -NEVER!- not in this lifetime, not as long as I breathe instead I’ll claim my single status And relish in it as long as I can
Crushes–we all get them at some point or another. It doesn’t matter if we’re 13 or 43. They’re unfortunate or fortunate circumstances in our lives depending on how we look at them. I’ve had more of my share of them, and of course, there’s a playlist I listen to when that happens. As jaded in love as I am, there’s a small part of me that’s still a lovergirl. I’ve tried every way to squash the lovergirl in me but apparently it’s resistant to all of the misandrist poetry I write and all of the books I read about hating men and how love is just the most terrible thing in the world. So I’ve just learned to just let her be and write corny AF love poetry and listen to the most romantic music even if it’s nauseating to me. One of my friends told me the nausea part is some kind of trauma response, and she’s probably right, but that’s another blog post for a later time. Anyways,here’s a few poems I wrote about having a crush and my lover girl playlist. The playlist is filled with that, “wtf, I have butterflies in my stomach at my age, let’s goooo!!!” kind of energy or “lmao,I’m living some kind of modern Victorian infatuation story or I’m straight up delusional” energy. My most recent crushes have been on Ben Affleck, Benjamin Franklin(cause I’m a materialistic bitch) and of course, Yung Gravy. See y’all, I’m not always a hater when it comes to love (contrary to a lot of what y’all see in the blog) , I, too, have a little romantic girl somewhere in me. Maybe I could manifest that Ben Affleck, Yung Gravy, or a millionaire, sees this blog post, gets a crush on ME and makes their way to my hometown and takes me away in their private jet.
Here are the poems:
Not in my plans
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
5/2/23
it’s me on a quest to find my Travis Kelce
Fight with the romantic girl
The romantic in me riots and protests and says this solitary confinement is bullshit It’s been over a year since we’ve been intimate with anyone or felt a romantic connection and I try to reason with her “We’re still healing and we’ like to stay emotionally regulated And healthy” and she yells, “no it’s time to take all of our therapy skills out for test drive and find someone we vibe with’ And I answer, “but we’re not” And she screams, “stop with your excuses go find the next muse of your poetry
7/29/23
wondering who my next Ace of Cups will be
So embarrassing
thought I was done with this part of my life accepted solitude was now my new life but you had to smile at me butterflies appear and I want to vomit my heart races every time you’re near And ugh, I fucking hate you for this so embarrassing at my age to crush on someone so hard and to write poems about a new unrequited love And I tried to ignore and quell this feeling but you have the audacity to appear in my dreams maybe it’s your fire energy, maybe it’s your poetry I’m not sure exactly what it is but fuck you for bringing out the romantic in me
2024
I have honestly done this more than a few times this year-I have issues according to Google
Lover Girl Playlist: Ew -Crush Culture
Crush Culture-Conan Gray I’m not in love- Will to Power Begin Again- Taylor Swift Bad Habit-Steve Lacy The Prophecy- Taylor Swift Late Night Talking-Harry Styles Sanctuary-Joji Dreaming of You-Selena Nonsense- Sabrina Carpenter Overdrive- Conan Gray Still Falling for You- Ellie Goulding Ceilings- Lizzie Alpine People Watching- Conan Gray Footnote-Conan Gray Dress-Taylor Swift Means Something- Lizzy McAlpine Enchanted- Taylor Swift Clementine-Yung Gravy The Louvre-Lorde Pessimist- Julia Michaels Risk-Gracie Abrams HOT TO GO-Chappell Roan Mastermind- Taylor Swift So High School- Taylor Swift Still Chose You- The Kid LAROI Invisible String-Taylor Swift Long Story Short-Taylor Swift So American-Olivia Rodrigo Disaster- Conan Gray Lover- Taylor Swift
Below is are the links for Spotify and YouTube in case you do want to get in touch with your inner romantic:
Crush Culture makes me want to spill my guts out-Conan Gray
in purgatory, I live waiting for the finality of my longest chapter of love to end In purgatory, residual anger and resentment Invades me- and I turn into an emotional time bomb Waiting to explode In purgatory, I wait for my sentencing, praying the judge sees things my way and honors what is best for broken family
Life on the BPD 