I feel left out by my friends and I cry and whine “they hate me, I’m not good enough for them” my voice of reason tells me “it will be okay, you don’t need them” it’s my sister
I break down in the middle of the sidewalk and cry and scream “I’m unworthy of love, I’ll be alone forever” my voice of reason tells, “that’s not true, you just need to focus on you boo” It’s my son
my voice of reason has comforted me and loved me unconditionally my voice of reason keeps me from going under
my son wants to be a model and I worry about what this means for him in my eyes I think he’s perfect the way he is in one year he went from my cherub angel to a handsome lanky stranger but he thinks he still needs a lot of work so he goes on nightly runs until he’s breathless lifts weights he borrows from his older brother applies all kinds of lotions to try to get rid of little blemishes He tells me, “I already have the perfect personality, now I just need the perfect body and I nod in grief, “already at 13, he feels that heaviness of the unrealistic standards of beauty placed on him
WordPress Prompt: What are you most worried about for the future?
Things I’m currently crashing out about:
Finances-I’m in a financial hole due to loss income and medical debt. I’ve been in denial for such a long time about it but today I didn’t even have enough to cover my rent so I had to ask my other roommates for their share and one of them will move out soon. It’s been keeping up at night but I know I’ll dig myself out as I have done before. It just fucking sucks for now and makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. But there’s no time for me to lament and whine, I need to take action now and I’m doing it. I have to have blind faith that I’ll be fine and there is a light at the end of these really dark economic times.
CPTSD symptoms: Triggered cause of the heat, the stress and this time of the year. I’m managing not to have a total and complete emotional relapse by exercising, drinking my water and minding my business, watching movies with really pretty people in them, and acknowledging what’s happening by talking to close friends and writing. I honestly feel like if someone came up to me and gave me $10000, my CPTSD would completely disappear but that’s not real life. I’m trying to do better because last week I was a complete bitch to one of my friends and she didn’t deserve it. I apologized and owned up to it but damn I still feel bad about it.
And of course, existing while Latina in this country. With all the shit that’s happening I worry about my family members and myself. I try to take it day by day but the anxiety gets at 100 when I see a new headline pop up especially the latest one about stripping citizenship from U.S citizens. I have to laugh because one) I’m too medicated to cry and two) it’s really not worth getting so upset about something out of my control.
I haven’t done a WordPress Prompt in a minute and this one just gnawed and gnawed at me and I was like, hell, maybe I’ll feel better screaming into the void especially now that my nature spot is ruined. R.I.P my special creek. I hope that the next time I answer a WordPress prompt, it’s something where I answer the question and I’m a lot happier. I hope that in three months, I’ll look back on this post and I can see that I’ve made a lot of progress and I feel more balanced and hopeful and I can say, well, I made it and I’m more than okay. IF not, at least I will have written a lot more poems and stories.
there are days I don’t feel strong enough to be their mom maybe it’s insecurity that weighs heavily on me after every fight, after every conflict it was easier when they were small and I was their favorite person the one they ran to the moment I opened the door nowadays I work much and they have their own interests to have much to do with me nowadays they bring up grievances of everything I’ve done and am doing wrong is this karma for being a bad daughter to my mom is this karma for being selfish and self absorbed for a few years of their lives Who knows- maybe it’s not about being strong, being right, or being respected maybe it’s about them knowing they are loved
I wanted you but God wanted you more Perhaps you were an angel not meant for earth Perhaps you were a hard a lesson in grief and loss That I needed to learn A lesson that I should never take love and hope for grant No matter how brief the stay is A lesson that your heart can break within a span of a few minutes A lesson in surviving what you think is unsurvivable
the future of me is not written yet I have to understand that all I can do is write for her who will still question her existence or why things happened the way they did or what the fuck happened to her I know myself too well it doesn’t matter how far I’m in my self discovery journey I’ll always have questions Its my insatiable curiosity I can only hope that the future me has leaned into self love More than ever before and still understands she and her kids are her top priorities Anyone else is expendable in her little universe of love
me and my ex drive towards the moon in silence accepting we were always meant to be friends no longer harboring resentment about our failed story of romance Focusing on the long road ahead of us Divorced and raising kids in a world full of oxymorons, in a world that will try to make them fit into unrealistic expectations of what it means to be human me and my ex drive towards the moon in silence putting away our differences and any conflicts And putting our childrens’ best interest first understanding they’re the best thing to come out of the failure of us
I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I planted my feet on the soil I was born on until I breathed the air my parents and ancestors inhaled until I tasted flavors from almost a lifetime ago I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I returned to my homeland and it was the piece of the puzzle found I needed to finally complete me
I saw my mother kill the spark in my father He was my age with many dreams, But I’m different,so different No matter who or What gets in my way,I’ll Knock them out Figuratively or literally to get the life I deserve to accomplish my goals The spark in me stays in me and giving a determination to keep going and to NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!
He came into my life on a cold february night- He decided to make a dramatic entrance on my 24th birthday He didn’t mean to steal my thunder as he tried to make his entrance-a month beforehand But fortunately the doctors stopped his almost too sudden arrival But that cold February night- was the right time for him I wanted to go the natural route but he had other plans with the horrible pain he caused EPIDURAL PLEASE-LIKE RIGHT NOW OR I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GETTING THIS CHILD OUT Within minutes he was out and once again I was in love but this time with the life I created
and if they don’t heed my warning, I’ll be here for them and get revenge for them
I warn my sons about falling in love with poets and writers I try to dissuade them from it They’ll use any insensitive comment you ever made into a salty verse dripped with not so subtle insults They’ll use your most intimate moments as metaphors for heaven or earthquakes They’ll describe you as God or the Devil depending on how you left them They’ll make you a villain in their stories or worst, the hero in them And the worst part- They’ll make you way bigger in their mind than you ever wanted to be so , I plead with you, fall in love with a boring accountant or a teacher or even a lawyer You’ll avoid the stress of being someone’s inspiration, someone’s muse and the chaos and drama that comes along with it
Life on the BPD 