I never did get my happily ever after but I did get my happily divorced after and a year after it was all done and signed by the judge I feel gratitude for solitude and breathe a sigh of relief that I won’t settle ever again for fear of being lonely never again will I ever allow Societal pressure to write my life’s Narrative and never again will I stay somewhere Past the expiration date because of fear or for the sake of appearances I never did get my happily ever but I did get my happily divorced after and life feels joyous and glorious and I am the most empowered version of myself
When I first started to watch the movie “The Breakup”, I was actually expecting the formulaic Romantic Comedy but it was actually a realistic movie about the demise of a relationship. I found myself relating to Brooke, one of the main characters in the movie more than I would have liked. At the beginning of the movie, we are shown this montage of how the relationship between Gary and Brooke starts and then develops so they are at a point where they move in together when they buy a luxurious condo. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie, we are shown what conflict goes on in their relationship. As Brooke is preparing for a dinner party for both their families, she asks Gary to do things to help her prepare for the guests, Gary is full of excuses and essentially treats her like a nag. Maybe this is my biased perspective coming from a place where I’ve been treated as such.
What is first seen here is a breakup in communication where Gary is dismissive of Brooke’s needs at that moment. I think that a lot of women I know can testify what that feels like but most of us have been conditioned to excuse that kind of behavior. Anyways, at the dinner party, Brooke and Gary act like a normal couple. Also, what can be observed from Brooke and Gary’s families is that they both come from different social classes. We can speculate that this is maybe why their relationship didn’t work but I think it is just one factor. After their families leave, a fight ensues between Brooke and Gary over a simple domestic task, washing the dishes. Brooke wants Gary to help with this task and Gary grumbles about it and when he finally says he’ll do, he has a bad attitude about it. Brooke doesn’t want his help and this resonates with me and I’m sure it does with other women ,she tells Gary, “I want you to want to do the dishes.” That line implicates both control and hopeful expectations for her partner.
A lot of women I know (myself included) wants a partner that takes initiative in helping us and showing their appreciation for us. We feel like we shouldn’t have to remind them, they should just want to do it. If they claim to care about us and love us, why is it so damn hard for them to show it? I think the issue could lie in the cliche that we as women tend to expect “us” and how we would act from our partners. In society, women are conditioned and taught to be nurturers and to show our love and appreciation for our partners. We are also taught to believe that we have to fit into certain categories of societal expectations in order to feel like we are enough and worthy to feel loved. Men, on the other hand, well, they are just taught that they are good enough as they are for their potential partners. Also, society has conditioned men that in order for them to be “real men”, they shouldn’t show their emotions.
Gary and Brooke
As women, we are conditioned to believe that we will thrive and be a whole person in society if we become wives and mothers. This belief makes a lot of women settle for less than they deserve and tolerate way more than they should in a relationship. As humans we are conditioned that life is incomplete without a partner and the worst thing that can happen to us is a life of solitude.
Even though Brooke breaks up with Gary, she later reveals that she does this in hopes that he will learn his lesson and change to become a better partner. She doesn’t actually want to break up with him. She goes so far as to bring the guys she dates to the condo they’re currently sharing so he’ll get jealous. This follows the belief of why many women stay in a relationship; because if they stick around long enough and do the hard work, their partner will change to become the partner they want them to be. It follows the belief that we as women can mold men with enough time and patience to become that partner. This infantilizes men in a way. It’s a belief in which we are treating men like another one of our children that needs to be molded. Brooke “punishes” Gary like a child by breaking up with him in hopes he’ll change into the partner she wants him to be.
Gary finally starts to take Brooke seriously towards the end of the movie. By that time, it is too late and she’s already emotionally detached from him. There is a cliche saying “by the time the guy starts to care, it’s too late and the girl no longer cares . I’ve seen this happen many times in real life. In my own perspective, I tried everything to save my marriage with my husband and even though he tried, it was never enough in my eyes. His dismal effort kept making me feel less than, worthless even. By the time he finally saw that he was going to lose me; it was too late and I had emotionally detached myself from the relationship. Just like Brooke, I had time and time again invested so much of myself, changed so much of myself to try to salvage our relationship while he put in the most minimal effort. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I knew that no matter how hard he or I tried, our marriage couldn’t be saved.
At the end of the movie after Brooke leaves the apartment, she runs into Gary a few months later and they catch up in a cordial manner and glance back smiling at each other and one could say perhaps both of them got the closure they needed. Of course, in real life, me and my husband can’t afford to separate and divorced and have to continue to live together but through a mutual understanding we live together as roommates and co-parents. We actually do this successfully and almost painlessly. He’ll even give me life advice from time to time if I’m going through something rough. I think that once we both accepted that we were no longer compatible as romantic partners, our relationship as friends got stronger since we felt free to really be our authentic selves with each other.
So I wrote this essay a couple of years ago as I was reflecting about the end of my marriage:
As my eight year marriage comes to its inevitable end, I’ve been rewatching the series Mad Men. When I first watched the series, I admired Joan and Peggy for being strong female characters in the show but I always thought there was something about Betty Draper that I could relate to. It’s strange to think about considering she’s a white upper class sixties housewife in New York and I’m a working class millennial immigrant Latina woman in Georgia. It’s hard to grasp that there would be any similarities between but there are many indeed.
Betty and Don at Fancy Event
(Me and Hubs at my brother’s wedding reception)
Betty feels trapped in her suburban idyllic existence and often times feels frustrated; I’ve also felt this way throughout the past fifteen years. Betty wonders if there is more to life than what she is living which is rearing children and being a good wife; I’ve constantly wondered the same thing except that I have the added burden of working.
Don, Betty’s husband acts like she should be happy with her life and gets mad at her when she shows real emotion, kind of accuses her of being crazy and sends her to a psychiatrist that he secretly talks to about her sessions without her consent and knowledge. My husband never went so far but for most our relationship he did accuse me of over reacting and/or accuse me of being crazy if I got “emotional” about something and/or brought up needs that weren’t being met in our relationship. It always felt that I was expecting too much out of our relationship for wanting normal things in a relationship. My husband has also acted like I should settle for what the little he can give me in terms of companionship and be happy with that since he was. For a long time, I felt that maybe I could and should settle for this but settling made me miserable for several years.
Don also kind of stopped investing time and energy into his marriage. He took Betty for granted because they were married with two children and hid behind his work and his many dalliances. My husband was never one to make time for us or continue to woo me in any sense after we started living together. Instead, he hid behind the raising of our children and the fact that he was always tired. He could never spontaneously compliment me and I was always either too fat or almost too skinny for him. Betty overlooked Don’s lack of affection for several years in the same way I overlooked my husband’s. I feel that this had to do with how women are conditioned to be polite and swallow their emotions because again–we’ll be accused of being crazy and/or hysterical.
The beginning of the end of Betty and Don’s marriage started when Betty eventually gets fed up after having one of Don’s affairs rub in her face and throws Don out but later they get back together because she finds out she’s pregnant with their third child. Don does try to be a somewhat better husband but eventually goes back to his philandering ways. There have been a few times throughout our relationship that I did try to break up with my husband but because he always apologized and said he would change, I always took him at his word and wanted to believe he would change. We even planned our third child and got married shortly after getting pregnant. I think I subconsciously did this because I thought a baby and a marriage would be the band aids that would fix “us”.
Betty eventually gets tired of Don’s lack of effort and also his lies and eventually asks for a divorce, she tells him something like, “I don’t feel anything when I kiss you”; it seems that this was when she knew that it was over for her and Don. For me, it took me a couple of years to be firm in my decision to divorce my husband. I think that I finally realized that there was no way I could continue the façade of our marriage when I realized that I no longer cared that he didn’t notice me or felt anything remotely like romantic love when I kissed him. It took him a while to understand why I wanted a divorce since he was happy with “us” and his main concerns were, “what about the taxes?” or “what about the kids?”. But like Don, he eventually agreed to it and said that he wouldn’t fight me about it. It’s kind of eerie that women like myself can still relate to a sixties housewife when it comes to relationships, marriages, and the stigma of divorce. I’m sure that people wonder why I would stay in a stagnant and awful relationship/marriage; that’s simple; I loved my husband. I thought that loving him meant that I had to settle for a marriage devoid of any real affection. I thought that the love I felt for him would be enough to change him one day.
many took bets on how long they’d last between the age gap, the difference in cultures they didn’t stand a chance yet, they kind of made it work for more than a decade yet, they still raised three fine young men for almost 20 years and while their incompatibility caught up to them and they had to end their love story they rebuilt it on the foundation of the love they once shared and in the best interest of their children and evolved into a healthy story of friendship where any resentment and anger has been buried and there are no hard feelings over past grievances where they support one another and are finally the parents their children always deserved
me and my ex drive towards the moon in silence accepting we were always meant to be friends no longer harboring resentment about our failed story of romance Focusing on the long road ahead of us Divorced and raising kids in a world full of oxymorons, in a world that will try to make them fit into unrealistic expectations of what it means to be human me and my ex drive towards the moon in silence putting away our differences and any conflicts And putting our childrens’ best interest first understanding they’re the best thing to come out of the failure of us
I know I’ll be okay, I know I’ll be fine I’m the queen of resilience, coming back triumphantly After each tragedy but right now, I need to honor the heaviness of grief that resides within me Acknowledge that for a while, my kids may view me as a villain for breaking up their family for making them products of broken home I gotta feel this residual anger and resentment Directed at myself and my ex for not being able to make our marriage work At least I can say it wasn’t me who gave up easily I was the one who gave my all and best efforts to make it work but one day, I had to accept it for what it was a marriage damaged beyond repair And no amount of meds, therapy, acceptance or healing on my part could have saved it- not when I was always doing 80 percent of the work and he barely gave me any effort and while yes, he did care of our kids and of me he still didn’t help in providing for them, show initiative to better our family or even tried to love me the way I needed to be loved Instead, he hid behind his fatherhood and age To distract me And it wasn’t until the healthiest version of me showed up and got the courage to put a stop to this facade of a marriage and stop our codependent story of love We’ve been modeling for our kids It’s up to me to break this generational curse of toxic love or else our kids won’t know or understand what a healthy and real love story looks like
to reach the next level of my life I need to stand firm in alignment with my values I need to be brave and take the necessary steps for my full autonomy even if it’s painful, even if I start to question the process the end result will be the betterment for me and my sons, a life full of purpose a life where I’m no longer attached to anything and anyone who held me back from reaching my potential
I wrote this poem in September of 2019 and 5 years later, I’m posting it on my 1 year divorce anniversary so this poem is extra special to me.
for real, for real
It seems that my freedom is a long time away it is almost hopeless to get away from my prison of obligations and responsibilities I yearn to escape! I love my kids but I’ve stopped loving their dad the space between us became too wide a long time ago and we can never go back to who we were, who we wanted to be So now I long to be free of these marital chains that once upon a time I longed for As hopeless and as hard as it seems I’m determined to be free from my suburban confinement
I’m looking forward to that pisco sour I’ll have after the judge declares me divorced and free to remarry -ha- that’s the biggest joke ever maybe I’ll land in someone’s bed once again But a ring on my finger -NEVER!- not in this lifetime, not as long as I breathe instead I’ll claim my single status And relish in it as long as I can
me on June 26 outside the courthouse after I filed for divorce-proud I was able to follow this process through
my fingers tingle and almost grew numb as I gripped the wire and the tightrope shook I wanted to give up it would have been so easy but something in me didn’t allow me to terrified I took the slowest step forward radically accepting in that moment I will never be a quitter
me with my emotionally supportive squad who helped me fill out my divorce paperwork- Shoutout to Meg, who took tacos for payment as she filled out most of it and gave me advice…
you’re my small town I’ve outgrown but am afraid to leave no one seems to understand this they’re concerned you’re holding me back they’re concerned staying with you stiffens my dreams and while I know they want what’s best for me and I agree with most of what they say How do I explain to them, it’s more complicated than I’ve made it out to be while you are hard to live with life without you feels almost empty and while it’s the right thing to do to end our marriage so we can move forward as a family it’s still hard to imagine a beginning without you
you love me anxious,insecure, and a hot mess and love to add fuel to my insecurities and fears to keep me with you, to control me and I try and try to break out of this toxic codependency tied up in a box of good intentions with your excuse that you know what’s best for me when it’s holding me back from realizing my potential from becoming the most powerful version of myself it makes me wonder did you ever really love me or did you choose me on purpose to build up your ego?