December Poetry Challenge: Coffee, Music, and Books

This was my response to prompt #3: Three good things

I don’t know how I’d cope without these three things

Coffee, music, and books are what I need
to get through the dreariest of days
Coffee to wake me up from my somber mood
Music to feel every single feeling in my body
and maybe try to dance them all out
Books to calm down my most intrusive of thoughts
Coffee,music, and books are what I need
to make myself shiny again

Poetry: The Elephant

I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression.

me around the time I wrote this poem.

The sun is shining 

Everything is green and bright

And yet winter feels eternal 

In my heart

The blackness that is my sadness

Seems to seep and ooze everywhere 

Inside of me 

Is this what true loneliness feels like?

Will I ever get rid of what feels like

  my forever depression?

Or do I just learn to live

 with the elephant that 

  lives on my chest?

That I try desperate not to awake

Writing, exercise, friends, tv-

Everything to keep it calm

But no matter what

The elephant always seems 

   To wake up

Poetry: Superficial

I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression.

I want to write about love

But instead find myself 

Writing about depression and loss

Everything feels so vague and fake

I don’t know what or who’s 

Real anymore

Is it existential dread 

Or a midlife crises 

Or a mixture of both?

Living in a world rampant

 With comparisons 

   With the click of a button

Tears at my soul

Thanks to the ridiculous 

And never ending standards 

Modern society thrusts upon us.

It’s all a constant competition 

About who has the best life

Have we all become society’s 

Attention whores?

Poetry: Extinction

I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression. I guess I was just annoyed and angry by society.

me in 2017 around the time I wrote this poem

Simple decency is becoming extinct
Manners and politeness is rare
rudeness and sarcasm is the norm
Being kind feels outdated
in this narcissistic society
filled with superfluous and superficial people
Who bring their harsh and shallow attitudes
everywhere
There is no escape from this epidemic
of the nothingness
that tries to appear profound
It is a society that blames the victim
“ but what was she wearing?”
or
“He was hanging out with the wrong kids”
It is a society that’s prejudiced against
anyone different
“Go back to where you came from”
“You’ll never belong here”
“People will always remember
how you made them feel”,
Maya Angelou said
Unnecessary, weak, aloof, isolated alone
Is how this world makes me feel
I’m a FAILURE trying to accommodate myself
to this world full of shallow feelings
I miss the kind and real people
in this world
It’s rare to find them now
They are almost extinct

Poem: Depression

I wrote in December of 2012 when I was amidst a great depression.

So true-Life is hard

Recognizing the triggers of 

My depression is one of 

The hardest things I have to do

It’s when I’m silent

Wishing all the bad things 

Would go away

It’s when I stop listening 

To music 

It’s when I struggle 

To open my eyes 

And face another dreadful day

Poetry: Horizon

I wrote this in 2009 when I was feeling contemplative about life.

Sylvia Plath gets me

Horizon

The horizon stretches out before me
In a limitless manner
I see a future but am unsure
Of which path to walk towards
Everything is a blank slate to me
Undefined by my indecision
The moment I choose
Is the moment I’ll become
Something, anything
Than the nothingness
That I am

The horizon stretches out before me
Offering everything and nothing
Offering this or that
Offering a wasted life
Or a meaningful one

The horizon stretches out before me
And I need to stop
My hesitation
And become a person of actions
And do something, anything
So the horizon is not wasted

Poetry : Dreams

I wrote this poem in late 2007 when I was depressed about my life. Again, instead of going to therapy, I just wrote a poem about it. Lol.

none of us know what we’re doing

Tainted dreams 

of life is what

I have left.

A career of abstract 

nothingness lies

before me. 

Chaotic and sensitive off springs

I must put before me.

Frigidity and

senility in my

marital bed lie

next to me. 

Is this it? Is this 

what is left 

of my 

foolish childhood dreams.

Scattered dreams

in my past 

become failures

of my present.

Will my soul

ever recuperate

from the cost?

Will I ever be that

hopeful again?

Poem: My Sleeping Poem **trigger warning**

I wrote this poem in December of 2016 after my almost love affair with death on December 5th. It’s strange how aside from my journal entries from that month, I hardly remember that month. I just remember feeling so broken inside and like a failure after that happened that it was so hard to get up every morning. I do know that writing saved me during that time because I started journaling way more consistently. I would learn years later after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder that up to 10 percent of people with BPD die by suicide. Five years later, I’m glad that I had people by my side that prevented me from becoming one in ten. I’m glad that afterwards, I was able to slowly come back from this even if I was mostly depressed the year after and it was a fight to get up every single day.

For more information about the high risk of BPD and Suicide, here is a link from Psychology Today with info about it:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201512/the-destructive-power-borderline-personality-disorder

me and one of my best friends in December 2016

I wanted to sleep

Sleep beckoned me

Like a magical place

Where I could forget

Forget-

The burdens and responsibilities

Forget-

The performance reviews, the report cards, the bills

Forget- 

The husband, the kids, the friends

I wanted to sleep

So I planned my journey there

Call in sick, act natural,

Take the bottle of xanax

I wrote love letters 

To my children, my husband, and friends

Just in case I fell in a forever dream

I wanted to sleep

Selfishly, without interruptions 

I wanted to sleep

So I didn’t have to think 

About my mediocre and suburban reality

My lost dreams of greatness

My wastefulness on this earth

I wanted to sleep

But I was interrupted

By my husband shaking me

Halfway carrying me 

To the couch, forcing coffee

Down my throat

I wanted to sleep 

But I had to wake up

And endure the reality of life

Poetry: Waiting

This another poem inspired about the great breakup of 2001. I probably wrote this when it first happened. My sense of reality is shook up after a break up and it feels like a never ending nightmare that I’ll never wake up from after it happens. This doesn’t happen with every break up…just the ones that really affect me.

Waiting 

So I wait for the phone to ring
To hear you say
this loneliness has all been a horrible dream
So I wait for you to show up at my door
To tell me you can’t stand being away from me no more
So I wait for your love letter in my mailbox
To begin getting back together

Poetry: Unhappiness

I wrote this poem in fall of 2005 when I was feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities of being a mother, a girlfriend, a student and a worker. As usual at that time, I took on too much and was trying to be everything to everyone. One trait of BPD that I’ve carried throughout the years is over extending myself sometimes to my detriment in order to make other people happy.

Me with my middle child circa late 2005

Feelings I can’t turn off

Quickly come in droves

Don’t know what to do 

My options are few

Do I follow my gut?

And get away from this rut

Or do i stay here ?

And become what I fear;

A woman that settles

And lets others meddle 

A woman with no mind

And with everything, she is fine

But can I turn off the real me?

And stay so unhappy

Poetry: False Stability *trigger warning*

I wrote this in March of 2020 as I was reflecting on my suicide attempt in December of 2016. I don’t remember writing this poem but that could be because it was a crazy time for me since I was an essential worker during COVID.

me in March of 2020 when I wrote this poem

Appearances were kept well for 15 years
the husband, the salaried job, the 3 off springs
I pretended like everything was fine
And yet there were ominous signs
I never felt like my authentic self
and always felt false
I tried on this so called suburban bliss
and mediocre routines
but knew it just wasn’t me
So I ended up in profound misery
And one day I wanted to forever sleep
To forget my mediocre reality
I took 15 numb feeling pills
one for every pseudo happy year
I wanted to slip into a forever dream
to never wake up to my false stability

Poetry: My Happy Place

I wrote this poem in 2006 when I was in the midst of my quarter life crisis.

There was once a place

It was my happy place

But it forever disappeared 

When puberty appeared 

Now I live somewhere else

Where almost everything fails

Where there are no more giggles

And everyone is fickle

Where being sad

Is the fad 

And no one cares

About anyone else

What I would give 

To get away from this 

And go back to 

Where no one is rude

And everyone smiles

And no one is a liar 

Poetry: Trapped

I wrote this poem in late 2005 when I was going to school full time, working part time and raising two kids.

Trapped in a maze 

Not knowing where to go

Gotta get out of this place

Before becoming conformity’s whore

A maze with traps

Like kids and responsibilities 

It’s all getting too suffocating

And I can’t breathe

Poesia: Cansada

Escribí este poema en 2004 cuando estaba embarazada con mi segundo hijo y enfadada con mi novio porque él no me daba un lugar en su vida.

Yo embarazada de mi segundo hijo en 2004.

Ya me canse de esperar

Que me des un sitio en tu vida

Ya me canse de esperar

Con tanta ansiedad

De tus ganas de actuar

Ya me canse de esperar

Que vengas a llevarme

Para empezar una vida juntos

Con mucho amor 

Ya me canse de esperar

Que actúes con verdad 

Alguna vez