Among many crashouts and panic attacks all month, I almost lost hope. However, I didn’t fall off the deep end because I’m too stubborn to give up. I got my sign from the universe today .and it might seem silly but I’ll take it. It was the first time I’ve heard another conan gray song on the radio other than “people watching”
poetry: Conan Fucking Gray
I wrote this poem in October of 2024.
that luminescent feeling in my heart
I glow from the inside out
about to burst from joy and excitement
a poet on stage singing songs
about heartbreak and finding love
it’s Conan Fucking Gray
it’s the happiest day of my life
I found hope once again
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Conan Gray
What was the last live performance you saw?
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poetry: abandonment wounds
I wrote this poem in December of 2023.
abandonment wounds run deep in my bloodline
I’ve lost count of how many woman in my family
whose lovers absconded, who’s lovers left them
for their own version of Heather-
maybe this explains my epic overreaction every time a lover absconded
their departure triggers trauma in my DNA
from the abandoned women ancestors before me
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Playlist: I wish I were HEATHER
It’s the 3rd of December and that means it’s Heather Day! What exactly is “Heather Day”? It’s a lyrical reference to the Conan Gray song “Heather” which talks about unrequited love and his crush choosing some girl named Heather over him which is terrible because I still can’t imagine anyone choosing someone else over Conan Fucking Gray, the most beautiful man ALIVE!
So the first time I heard Heather was around November of 2022 and in a few short weeks, I became obsessed with this song. I think my kids unintentionally know the lyrics because of how many times they’ve heard it. I’ve written poetry inspired by this song and read that poetry at open mic. I’ve posed in pictures inspired by the video of the song. I’ve blasted that song from my car at various times and have always sung it out loud when it would play over the loudspeakers at my second job.
Needless to say, I have a deep relationship with that song. I know that it’s because at various stages in my life, I’ve been dumped by my exes for someone else, my crush has chosen someone else over me, or in one instance, the guy I was kind of seeing brought the other girl to an event we were both at and he thought it was fine while I was having full blown panic attacks in the bathroom (that’s another blog post). Before I listened to Heather , I didn’t know what to call these gut wrenching moments but after “Heather” I call these moments “Heather Moments”. And I’m sure there are other people, who’ve had similar experiences and their own “Heather Moments” and so I made a playlist inspired by “Heather” with songs with a similar feel. I actually have a deep connection to every single one of these songs and have even seen a few of them performed live. Yes, I saw Heather performed live and it was the happiest 4 minutes of my life! Anyways, here’s my playlist along with a few of the poems inspired by the song Heather. Fun Fact about some of these songs: 1) I was obsessed with “Can’t Let Go” when I was 10 and my crush wouldn’t notice me. 2) Look Away was on repeat in my CD Player when I broke up with my ex at 15 and it wasn’t a week before he went out with that girl he told me “I shouldn’t worry about” 3) One of the first songs I learned to play on the keyboard when I was 13 was “Words Get in the Way” 4) This is probably the most embarrassing fact but I crashed into the pole at work while I was blasting “Traitor” from my car. And 5) I was obsessed with the song “Silver Springs” this year and had it on repeat and even translated it into Spanish to see how it sounded.
Also, I’ve included link via spotify and youtube for your listening pleasure.
I WISH I WERE HEATHER playlist:
- Back to Black-Amy Winehouse
- Better than Revenge- Taylor Swift
- Can’t Let Go-Mariah Carey
- Checkmate- Conan Gray
- Coincidence-Sabrina Carpenter
Dancing on my Own-Tove Lo
Deja Vu- Olivia Rodrigo - Driver’s License- Olivia Rodrigo
- Glimpse of Us- Joji
- Good Enough-Maisie Peters
- Heather- Conan Gray
- John Hughes Movie- Maisie Peters
Lacy- Olivia Rodrigo - Lookalike- Conan Gray
- Look Away- Chicago
- Lost the Breakup- Maisie Peters
- Lucid Dreams- Juice WRLD
- Movies- Conan Gray
- Objection-Shakira
- Opposite- Sabrina Carpenter
- She’s All I Wanna Be- Tate McRae
- Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
- Slow Dancing in the Dark- Joji
24.Taste- Sabrina Carpenter - That’s the Kind of Woman- Julia Michaels
- The Exit-Conan Gray
- Traitor- Olivia Rodrigo
- Villiian- Maisie Peters
- Words Get In the Way- Gloria Estefan
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I wish I were Heather
What is one thing you would change about yourself?
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Conan fucking Gray
Who are your favorite artists?
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poetry: Standing Firm (inspired by Conan Gray’s Heather)
I wrote this poem in December of 2022.
I try on grace and self compassion thinking of the many times
I wanted to be someone else
Mirroring my sister and my best friends to escape from myself
never thinking I was enough-
I even tried to be like my former metamours-
so smart, so pretty, so American
they were placed on pedestals by my exes
so of course I wanted to be like them-
never understood how I never stood a chance
and how nothing I did would matter
my exes always chose them
they were safe,predictable and shared their background
everything I was never going to be
so I chose to embrace who I really am
a woman with a chaotic history who feels everything with a magnitude of intensity
a woman who no longer mirrors others to gain a sense of identity
I now stand firm in the authenticity of my duality
I embrace my God given gift of my creativity and share it shamelessly
there’s no turning back now that I’m fully me
and I no longer care who loves and accepts me
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Best day ever!!! I’m going to see Conan Gray and Maisie Peters!! My heart is so happy today. 🥹🥹🥹😭❤️🩹
Lover Girl Playlist-Ew Crush Season
Crushes–we all get them at some point or another. It doesn’t matter if we’re 13 or 43. They’re unfortunate or fortunate circumstances in our lives depending on how we look at them. I’ve had more of my share of them, and of course, there’s a playlist I listen to when that happens. As jaded in love as I am, there’s a small part of me that’s still a lovergirl. I’ve tried every way to squash the lovergirl in me but apparently it’s resistant to all of the misandrist poetry I write and all of the books I read about hating men and how love is just the most terrible thing in the world.
So I’ve just learned to just let her be and write corny AF love poetry and listen to the most romantic music even if it’s nauseating to me. One of my friends told me the nausea part is some kind of trauma response, and she’s probably right, but that’s another blog post for a later time.
Anyways,here’s a few poems I wrote about having a crush and my lover girl playlist. The playlist is filled with that, “wtf, I have butterflies in my stomach at my age, let’s goooo!!!” kind of energy or “lmao,I’m living some kind of modern Victorian infatuation story or I’m straight up delusional” energy. My most recent crushes have been on Ben Affleck, Benjamin Franklin(cause I’m a materialistic bitch) and of course, Yung Gravy. See y’all, I’m not always a hater when it comes to love (contrary to a lot of what y’all see in the blog) , I, too, have a little romantic girl somewhere in me. Maybe I could manifest that Ben Affleck, Yung Gravy, or a millionaire, sees this blog post, gets a crush on ME and makes their way to my hometown and takes me away in their private jet.
Here are the poems:
Not in my plans
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement
But I fell for you in spring
I don’t even know when it started to happen
All I remember is absolutely hating it
hated how soft and corny it made me
hated how I started smiling at your messages
hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love
and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
5/2/23
Fight with the romantic girl
The romantic in me riots and protests and says
this solitary confinement is bullshit
It’s been over a year since we’ve been intimate
with anyone
or felt a romantic connection
and I try to reason with her
“We’re still healing
and we’ like to stay emotionally regulated
And healthy”
and she yells, “no it’s time to take all
of our therapy skills out for test drive
and find someone we vibe with’
And I answer, “but we’re not”
And she screams, “stop with your excuses
go find the next muse of your poetry
7/29/23
So embarrassing
thought I was done with this part of my life
accepted solitude was now my new life
but you had to smile at me
butterflies appear and I want to vomit
my heart races every time you’re near
And ugh, I fucking hate you for this
so embarrassing at my age to crush on someone so hard
and to write poems about a new unrequited love
And I tried to ignore and quell this feeling
but you have the audacity to appear in my dreams
maybe it’s your fire energy, maybe it’s your poetry
I’m not sure exactly what it is
but fuck you for bringing out the romantic in me
2024
Lover Girl Playlist: Ew -Crush Culture
Crush Culture-Conan Gray
I’m not in love- Will to Power
Begin Again- Taylor Swift
Bad Habit-Steve Lacy
The Prophecy- Taylor Swift
Late Night Talking-Harry Styles
Sanctuary-Joji
Dreaming of You-Selena
Nonsense- Sabrina Carpenter
Overdrive- Conan Gray
Still Falling for You- Ellie Goulding
Ceilings- Lizzie Alpine
People Watching- Conan Gray
Footnote-Conan Gray
Dress-Taylor Swift
Means Something- Lizzy McAlpine
Enchanted- Taylor Swift
Clementine-Yung Gravy
The Louvre-Lorde
Pessimist- Julia Michaels
Risk-Gracie Abrams
HOT TO GO-Chappell Roan
Mastermind- Taylor Swift
So High School- Taylor Swift
Still Chose You- The Kid LAROI
Invisible String-Taylor Swift
Long Story Short-Taylor Swift
So American-Olivia Rodrigo
Disaster- Conan Gray
Lover- Taylor Swift
Below is are the links for Spotify and YouTube in case you do want to get in touch with your inner romantic:
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Happy Poetry Month! Napowrimo-Day 17
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Happy Poetry Month! Napowrimo-Day 16
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poetry: music and lyrics
I wrote this poem in January of 2023.
music and lyrics have always given me a sense of home-
it’s how I’ve grown and evolved
It’s how I learned to express my emotions
when I couldn’t make sense of anything
it fills my soul with love and creativity
it makes me feel a sense of belonging in this world
that looks down on dark and tortured souls
it eases off my loneliness
that sometimes makes me crumble
and leaves me in shambles
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Happy Birthday, Conan Gray! You brought so much joy to me this year.
reading my “heather” inspired poem at open mic
“standing firm”
Life on the BPD 