I’m graduating from writing about revenge and everyone who has harmed me I’m switched this narrative from woman scorned and full of spite To a woman reborned opened to love and joy in life While it’s fun to be petty and mean It’s better for me to reclaim the corny romantic in me the one I’ve kept hidden for 18 months the one who cries at the end of rom coms the one who’s desperate to fall in love again to continue this narrative about how I’m in love with my solitude no longer suits me when I have a universe of love to give
am I reading too much into the attention and energy you’re giving me the casual messages, the comments on my posts the nervous vibe and the hug you gave me the first time we met It felt like chemistry Am I even your type? Or is this the beginning of beautiful friendship One that will last, one that will be healthy Without the complications and expectations that lust or love brings
me on my birthday last year, this heroine spent her birthday working…
I’m at year 42 and I’m only getting started on my heroine’s journey I’ve learned so much about myself and my toxic patterns in year 41 I understand now how my overreactions, my need to avoid conflict my need to please were all trauma responses learned from childhood where my emotions were never validated I now hold a world of knowledge, confidence, and power within me and on year 42, I ready to act like the badass Incan Queen I make myself out to be Except this year I’ll act out of love and compassion and not out of revenge and spite even when I’m pissed, angry at someone or at something I need to dig in deep and feel that grief instead of immediately throwing out accusations and blaming everyone but me Understand it’s me projecting my insecurities This year I’ll continue my heroine’s journey in healing and recovery but I’ll try to do it more with grace, with intent and compassion for myself and others I’ll cover myself in love from God, the universe, and my ancestors with all of that love act out of a pure and intentional energy that will continue to help grow and evolve
Eating away my emotions with junk food and sugar is healthier than meth and taking pills to sleep forever Each bite I take and swallow keeps me alive and further from a sweet death that tempts me Food becomes the driving force behind my mediocre existence until I can find a new obsession
my favorite pair of shoes are my black combat boots. I bought them sometime in the summer of 2021 during an impulsive shopping spree. They’re taken me to live shows and they are what I wear every time I go to perform at a new open mic. I also wore them with my Harley Quinn outfit for Halloween of 2021. They’re also one of my most comfortable pair of shoes and they go with a lot of my outfits. I’ve worn them with dresses, jeans, and shorts. It’s a weird thing to say but I feel like these boots help build up my confidence at a time when I was feeling shitty about myself and now they’ve become a very important part of my aesthetic. Every time I wear these boots with my dress beige dress to work, my coworkers know I’m moody AF and tread carefully. I’ve also worn them on my plane trip to Peru last year. So yeah, they’ve taken me to my homeland and back. It was a bitch to take them off for the TSA checkpoint but it was worth it so my fit was right.
Comfortable will keep you locked in loveless marriage Comfortable will keep you trapped in an easy and boring job Comfortable will keep you miserable in a mediocre life Comfortable will keep you settling for less than you deserve Comfortable will find you one day And make you swallow a bottle of pills so you can sleep away your comfortable and mediocre existence
This time I feel like I’ve finally settled most of my soul’s score by doing so much inner work I still have toxic and angry moments but they no longer consume me This year I’m manifesting a new kind of love energy Someone who can match my wild and creative energy Someone who values me as a whole person and doesn’t just fall in lust with my body Someone brave enough to love me and doesn’t scare easily when I’m challenging and moody this year I’m opening myself to love energy who makes me laugh, who inspires me I think I’m finally ready
out of the most depressed minds comes the greatest creativity I wonder why that is– Is it because there are no limits in our imagination? Is it because we live 100 lives in 1 lifetime? Is it because we are easily inspired by devastation and loss? It is because pain and sadness flows out of us more easily than others and we have a necessity to repurpose it as art?
and if they don’t heed my warning, I’ll be here for them and get revenge for them
I warn my sons about falling in love with poets and writers I try to dissuade them from it They’ll use any insensitive comment you ever made into a salty verse dripped with not so subtle insults They’ll use your most intimate moments as metaphors for heaven or earthquakes They’ll describe you as God or the Devil depending on how you left them They’ll make you a villain in their stories or worst, the hero in them And the worst part- They’ll make you way bigger in their mind than you ever wanted to be so , I plead with you, fall in love with a boring accountant or a teacher or even a lawyer You’ll avoid the stress of being someone’s inspiration, someone’s muse and the chaos and drama that comes along with it
One was born in the beginning of the 20th century the other was born in the beginning of the 21st century one was born out of unplanned wedlock one was a planned product of his parent’s love one was taught hatred for blacks and cholos the other was taught blacks lives matter and equality for everyone one had misogynistic tendencies thanks to his machismo culture the other other is that gender roles and conventions are a joke One went through the Spanish flu times the other is going through Covid times both shares similar genes generations apart both share the same Spanish name one could not been possible without the other
valentine’s day is around the corner so we’re bombarded by teddy bears,balloons, greetings with corny shit like “for my wife, the love of my life” and flowers, the fucking flowers there are even journals for couples to fill out in hope of getting closer- I still can’t figure that one out and stupid heart shaped everything, from cookie cutters to pillows and flowers, the fucking flowers and most of us eat it all up thinking if our partner doesn’t buy us anything or doesn’t meet our romantic expectations on the most materialistic of holidays, then they must not really love us- never occurring to us how this business of love preys on us and our fear of being lonely it capitalizes and profits from it sending us messages that we need to buy this or that (get the flowers, the fucking flowers) to show our love it’s a trap that followed us since our school days maybe it’s time to riot and burn down anything related to this dreadful holiday especially the fucking flowers or maybe I’m just a crazy and jaded bitch alone on valentine’s day
One day you’ll be a bad dream I’ll wake up from One day someone will come along and you’ll be a distant memory of an intense and toxic past who took over my life for a while One day I’ll be loved by someone the way you could never love me One day I’ll look back on our time together and regret every moment wasted on you One day you won’t haunt my soul and mind One day you will no longer be my muse One day is here, now and forever
If only I could bypass the trauma lived and experienced my life would be a lot easier Perhaps I’d be fulfilled and not on this neverending heroine journey to acknowledge how trauma happened to me to understand how it changed me to tells the stories from it so I can begin to heal from it to do all of the work so I don’t pass it on to my sons and their children because this legacy of intergenerational silence with violence needs to stop with me even if it’s sometimes a painful nightmare to deal with
I love you like the alcoholic loves alcohol I can’t live without you And have a deep never ending desire for you when the sun rises you’re my first thought and before I fall asleep, you’re my last thought I don’t know if you’ll ever reciprocate but for now I’m content with seeing you almost Daily-admiring you from afar
I’m healing and unraveling at the same time I’m unraveling the parts of me that no longer fit in my new narrative I’m unraveling the ugliness, my vengeful spirit full of spite and jealousy talking to it, deconstructing it cause to live with so much anger and resentment in my heart is draining and leaves no room for lovely and hopeful beginnings
Life on the BPD 