after everything was done and dusted, all that was left were the memories of the woman I had been- I used to hate her, absolutely loathe her viewing her as weak and worthless for allowing the painful words of others to rob her of her confidence and power but now I see how brave she was trying to fight her demons in her mind Day in and day out, no matter what always getting up to function she gathered her strength from somewhere to become the version of me I am today
“I wanna live life from a new perspective” -Panic! At the Disco
old trauma wounds swim up to the surface Triggered by a thoughtless comment a dismissive action and I speak up this time instead of holding it in But I’m ignored as if my hurt feelings mean nothing But this time, instead of letting it go and going with the flow I reciprocate the same dismissive energy because the version of me Who’d allow herself to be run over just to be accepted no longer exists
I want to scream, I want to cry I want to throw myself off the precipice of some cliff but faith whispers to me “You will not always feel like this” and slowly I begin to piece myself back together and It’s hard at first because I don’t know where to start Because so much in me is shattered and scattered But somehow I know that faith is by my side and hope will quickly follow and I won’t always feel so lonely, so hopeless
“One day I’ll be falling without caution”- Conan Gray
in front of our fireplace we remember who we once were the unhealed and unhealthy versions of ourselves who met And threw caution to the wind and fell in love Built our own sanctuary of intimacy only to give in to our insecurity and fears and sabotage it all years later and tear it all down and while we’ve said It needs to be left in the past it’s not who we are anymore We both live with the hidden fear One or both of us will break again And brings a war of words back to our newly constructed universe of love
“I can’t recall the last time I was kissed”-Lizzy McAlpine
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
my boss tells me, “you’re so loved” she’s not wrong I have countless family, friends, and coworkers singing my praises, encouraging and supporting me and yet, I feel so alone-so lost- constantly questioning my actions am I doing this out of revenge or ego? am I showing myself enough grace and compassion? maybe I just need to sleep away this existential frustration
on the shitty days I remember there is another open mic to go to
not every day can be filled with peace, calm, joy or excitement Some days are absolutely shitty and depressing Some days it’s hard to get up in the morning without screaming fuck repeatedly on your way to work Some days are overwhelming to push through as hormones and emotions fuck you up Some days are for questioning your life choices over and over again allowing doubt and insecurity to cloud you its accomplice self invalidation Some days are for getting up only to look forward to the end of it when you can sleep with the hope for a better day
does a scorpion sting when fighting back? -Taylor Swift
I overthink, I overthink and I overthink and my head hurts from so much anxiety Society puts so much pressure on me to be nice, to be pretty to be kind, to be smart the stress is tearing me apart but slowly I start to breathe and the pressure starts to decrease I change the narrative And stop with listening to my inner critic Fuck societal expectations so what if I’m an aberration the only person who determines my identity is me not you, not him,not my parents and not society
Thorny long stemmed burgundy red roses remind me of how I’m loved The beauty of the roses is how men admire me and fall for me the burgundy red reminds me of how my heart bleeds after they leave me and the sharp thorns stab my lungs as rejection and devastation sets in
I love to play the game of love recklessly gambling with my sanity, gambling with my worth gambling with my self-esteem losing every single time But I love love So I’ll repeat this insanity until self-love is enough
I was your short term adventure of lust you tried to disguise as love It was fun for a while while we were both in denial until you got tired of me and left My broken heart, I had to atone I don’t know how to go on everything feels so wrong
When I tell you I’m a poet- please take me seriously don’t think I’m some cute girl who writes a few verses in her room about how your kiss is a new kind of heaven Poetry for me has a much deeper meaning, poetry is how I bleed out all of my emotions I hold within
When I tell you I’m a poet- please don’t laugh at me or mock me don’t berate the simplicity of my words I weave into verse It’s how I make sense of my explosion of thoughts It’s how I express what I can’t say out loud
When I tell you I’m a poet- don’t try to cure me of my poetic nature and prey on my insecurities and try to kill my dreams of making my art seen I know how the odds are stacked against someone like me I don’t do it to make it to the mainstream- I do it so other women like me can be seen, can be inspired to dream
And finally when I tell you I’m a poet- Appreciate the artist in me, make yourself a sanctuary to put my poetry in- I’m not asking for endless compliments or an ego boost I’m asking for a safe space in you to love the poet I hold within
Life on the BPD 