I give you a yard, and you give me an inch- it’s a game of back and forth nonsense one where I respect your unspoken boundaries and need for space until one day the push back from you pulled back into a dark place I haven’t been in a while a place where my confidence breaks, a place where I start to question my worth a place when my sense of self breaks once again and I know right there, and then, it’s better to give up whatever this was I’ve outgrown men who send me mixed signals
were we the bonnie and clyde of toxic relationships ? you setting up and detonating love bombs in my heart and making me explode in rage every time you left and me encouraging you with every reunion because I loved you, because I didn’t want to be alone so I went along with your emotional crimes every time Until one day, I learned my worth and blocked your energy from my universe
every time I drive somewhere new I’m beyond terrified doubts about driving skills cloud me and I want to break down and panic in the middle of traffic but I push through my fears, my insecurities, and keep driving I can’t be weighed down by who I used to be A woman reliant on the transportation of others A woman fearful of living a full life that is my old story and it’s not that I hate that version of myself I just refused to hold myself hostage by my past which tries to hold me back from being the independent woman I was always meant to be
I was in distress the other night but I wasn’t the damsel who needed to be saved I was a friend who needed a friend and maybe I was expecting too much but you could have done better than some two word awkward text as I was breaking down in the diner
In the isolation of my solitude I try to find grace and compassion that’s evading me I try to ground myself in my writing and music because I don’t want to talk about it and I’d rather let out my tears in the comfort of my bedroom or on my notebooks because last time I let someone in on my crazy, they left they always leave me
I sought solace in friends last night and everyone was busy or asleep so I cried hysterically in the middle of the street, and then in the diner over my fries, and finally in my uber ride Strangers kept asking me if I was okay one even offered me a ride even in my worst moments of crises, I always find a way to survive even when I’m in the thick fog of a mental breakdown I know now how to take care of myself and keep myself safe maybe that was the lesson the universe sent last night even in my most hopeless of times I will always find a way to survive and eventually be okay
A blanket of anger and sadness envelops me as you dispose of me once again I hope this time I learn for good that you only carry destruction and devastation within you that you will never love or care for me that you’re a self absorbed piece of shit A blanket of anger and sadness envelops me And I hate you but I hate myself even more for wasting my time and love on someone who never deserved it for trying to see love and affection that was never there for falling in love with a charismatic coward
maybe it was the outfit that made my uber driver nervous
I couldn’t tell if you were nervous or just an asshole trying to impress me with your knowledge of shakespeare that came off as mansplaning which was so cringe and annoying since I told you I have a degree in English and I had taken two Shakespeare classes maybe you didn’t take me seriously because of how short my dress was or my thigh-high boots caught you off guard is it some sort of abomination for me to be smart and smoking hot that men treat me like I’m a bimbo they need to save or mansplain shit to maybe I should start using it to my advantage play the role of “pretty woman” observe how much men underestimate me and write poetry about it and make it blog content a year later
my heart is full of what ifs? What if it works out? What if I’m not as dumb as I think I am? What If I stop listening to the voices in my head that taunt me-telling me I’m not good enough? What if I’m brave enough today and chase my dreams despite my haters and my inner critic?
2014 me in the blue hoodie-2023 me in the red dress,
The ME from June of 2014 sends me a message asking, where are you? I tell her, life didn’t go as planned-you’re divorced and looking for a place for your ex but your kids are thriving-your oldest son has his driver’s license and is on his last semester of college Your middle son will graduate from high school this year- and your baby is now taller than you and becoming his own person You’re working 2 jobs and you’re a citizen now and you’ve been to therapy to learn healthier coping mechanisms- you even drive now-you’re independent as fuck and live life on your own terms you’ve even been to Peru twice- You’re learning to follow your intuition and how use discernment in your choices in how you live your life- you’ve discovered your values underneath everything society brainwashed into you and at the end of the day all you want be is a good mom and a good person that’s the extent of your life’s purpose- now that we know who we are our next step is to plan the future we want- we’ll keep on thriving girl-you were the go getter and determined woman in me Even among one of my greatest depressions You still got up and followed your passions- And you laid the foundation-we’ll be okay-I promise I’ll make you proud of me- Love patty
and the roses never wilted, they just transformed into flowers never seen before for a while it looked like they were dying as they slowly turned gray and then black but then they bloomed into something different, a unique kind of beautiful
today I woke up overwhelmed, exhausted and in a fit of rage feeling underappreciated in all of my efforts to move my family forward not remembering the last time I had a full day of rest wondering how to continue this existence of 60 something work weeks, and of course the guilt over not spending enough time with my kids- I was downtrodden with grief and mad at the world until my abuela’s story made its way to a conversation with my coworker and a small light of hope dawned on me if my illiterate and indigenous abuela Mercedes, alone in the world could make generational wealth in the early 1900s despite the racism, the obstacles, and many tragedies faced I, too. will not only survive but will also thrive and continue to shine my light it’s in my bloodline, my ancestry to evolve, push myself forward despite obstacles, mental illness, or life’s tragedies-IT’S UP TO ME! as a Peruvian woman living in America in the 21st century to make the best of what’s been given to me which sometimes feels like the sourest of maize and turn them in the sweetest and tastiest Chicha
Libra season is upon us as summer turns to fall- a year ago, I was returning from my homeland recharged and determined 2 years ago, I was angry and using my rage to fuel my creativity and train for a 5k and 3 years ago, I was a hot and exhausted Emotional mess among the madness of COVID And this Libra season, I’m entering it free from the chains of matrimony and every expectation my parents and society has placed on me This Libra season, I will honor and pay tribute to my abuela Mercedes for the independent and strong woman that she was and celebrate my friends Melia and Quinn’s birthdays show them how grateful I am for their existence This Libra season, I’ll set intentions and manifestations for the next 6 months for the life I dream of and envision For myself and my sons This Libra season I’m determined more than ever to make miracles and magic happen- And prove to myself and anyone who ever doubted me that I’m not just a crazy and savage bitch but I’m also a magical and intelligent one who’s constantly evolving
the plane slowly takes off and I take flight with it I leave behind past troubles,past trauma and go on an adventure to find healing and the best version of myself
I know I’ll be okay, I know I’ll be fine I’m the queen of resilience, coming back triumphantly After each tragedy but right now, I need to honor the heaviness of grief that resides within me Acknowledge that for a while, my kids may view me as a villain for breaking up their family for making them products of broken home I gotta feel this residual anger and resentment Directed at myself and my ex for not being able to make our marriage work At least I can say it wasn’t me who gave up easily I was the one who gave my all and best efforts to make it work but one day, I had to accept it for what it was a marriage damaged beyond repair And no amount of meds, therapy, acceptance or healing on my part could have saved it- not when I was always doing 80 percent of the work and he barely gave me any effort and while yes, he did care of our kids and of me he still didn’t help in providing for them, show initiative to better our family or even tried to love me the way I needed to be loved Instead, he hid behind his fatherhood and age To distract me And it wasn’t until the healthiest version of me showed up and got the courage to put a stop to this facade of a marriage and stop our codependent story of love We’ve been modeling for our kids It’s up to me to break this generational curse of toxic love or else our kids won’t know or understand what a healthy and real love story looks like
Life on the BPD 