Sept of 1986-me blowing out a candle right before me and my family started our immigration journey-my aunt had a goodbye party for us
When I was little, I was often lost in daydreams about America It was beautiful and blue I pictured a celestial and warm ocean where the waves tenderly touch my toes I was taught it was a better existence than the one we were living in but no one told me that dreams sometimes don’t come true and the reality of America was filled with a hardness that even 35 years later I’m still processing indentured servitude, exploitation, depression, addiction,racism, mental illness were just a few side effects of going for the American dream
feeling my otherness feels like a full time job not belonging to here or there constantly in limbo wondering “where is my home? they hate me here, they hate me there I don’t belong anywhere but I remain here it’s the only home I’ve ever known America home of the free, home of the brave but never my HOME!
Trauma after trauma I have withstood Standing up right away and pretending everything was fine There was no time for tears or processing of feelings That was a luxury for the white upper class Therapy-pssst No time or money for that either – It’s gringo concept Self care – that’s only for the rich No, you’re a latina Woman our people rely on grit and resilience There is no time for white pendejadas No, you’re a latina woman – you only need the strength from your ancestors to survive this life
the ceilings of America are laced with poison ivy every time I act out of the norm or forget to code switch people tell me I’m too dramatic -ouch- accused of being toxic and crazy-damn and a rash of doubt takes over my mind I’ll never fit it, no one will ever love or accept me and I turn down who I am but even that doesn’t work it makes things worse and I explode and project- fuck you, you’re blocked then I discover therapy -slowly I heal accept the pieces of myself that will never fit in exhibit myself in my most authentic form and slowly the poison ivy becomes an ivy of love and growth and I understand that to be happy I need let go of normalcy and embrace my unconventional and eccentric self
Something on your “to-do list” that never gets done.
My goals for 2024
So my time is limited because of my crazy working hours, but something that keeps getting pushed to the back burner are my taxes from last year. I freaked out last year because haha I have to pay back an obscene amount ( welcome to middle class status in America), so I basically ignored them, and now here I am in a new tax year but now filing in a different status cause of my divorce. The good thing is that my oldest just got his A.A in accounting so he’ll do them for me this month or next. I’m good with the turbo tax software, but my situation feels like beyond my comprehension, so I’ll let an expert do it. Something I also need to do is spend more time with my 2 youngest sons. It is hard because my youngest likes to spend more time with his friends, and my other son has particular interests, which include discussing the state of world affairs and watching depressing foreign films. But yeah, I need to work on my relationship with both of them. I even suggested playing fortnight with my youngest, but he told me it was cringe and I’m too old. Lol. I hope this time next month, I’m done with my taxes and find ways to bond my sons.
when it comes down to it, my mission in life is simple, it’s to be a good person and a good mom. that means being able to sleep at night with a clear conscious at night and knowing that I have done my best that day. that means giving my children the best of me most of the time.
Life on the BPD 