In anticipation of the night I was excited to see you But then we met And the look you gave me said it all without saying anything at all I had warned you I had changed But you refused to believe it and held onto an idealistic image of me in your head Worthless small talk ensued Even though there was nothing left to say Your body language screamed: “Get the fuck away from me” But a small trickle of hope cemented my feet to the ground next to you And then a sorry excuse trickled from your lips And you left me stranded that night
I wanted you but God wanted you more Perhaps you were an angel not meant for earth Perhaps you were a hard a lesson in grief and loss That I needed to learn A lesson that I should never take love and hope for grant No matter how brief the stay is A lesson that your heart can break within a span of a few minutes A lesson in surviving what you think is unsurvivable
Loving you feels like a virus I’ll never recover from I lie awake at night and thoughts of you infect me I keep saying I want to be cured of your love disease that travels from my body and into my mind I’ve tried to find the cure in someone else But for some reason your virus is resistant It won’t go away no matter what I do I try hard to stay away but it’s no use The virus that is your love is incurable Virus
Susan from Oconee County calls concerned about the smell in the air from the sludge in the farms- and my Latina working class immigrant self rolls her eyes in disgust silently mouthing off- “are you fucking kidding me? another rich bitch on a mission to solve her problems of discomfort in her every day bane of existence” but I quietly listen to her as she talks about how it’s impacting the environment and the drive to the pilates studio because she just has to drive with her windows down to breathe in the autumn air as her PSL cools down in the drink holder but now she can’t enjoy her drive because of the sludge and then she breaks down and cries because of the inconsiderate farmers and I think of 1001 ways her privilege white woman ass is being a bitch and the audacity of how, me, a Latina immigrant working class woman is being forced to listen to her idiotic and inconsequential problems but rent needs to be paid and my kids need to be fed so, instead, I say “m’amn, I understand” in my best and whitest customer service voice- while calling her a pinche estupida pendeja in my head- and I reassure with a smile in my voice and tell her, “I’ll make sure someone get your messages which is of utmost importance, and calls you back” and as I hang up the phone, I want to scream and vomit at the same time thinking “I don’t think this was part of my American Dream”
heartbreak brings up raging hello kitty energy…hahaha
My love data tells me I shouldn’t try again because every time I crash and burn and cause trauma and drama because every time it ends, I get hateful and want revenge and While I do appreciate the poetry that comes after every broken relationship I don’t think I can withstand the heartbreak and hardship the next time it ends
I’m not just a lesson learned, I’m a whole education my mood swings will teach you patience and self-control and things about bipolar and BPD you never wanted to learn Making love to me will give you a degree in the best WAPP you’ll ever experience And when you break my heart and leave You’ll earn your PhD in what happens when you fuck over A Peruvian woman who’s crazy
I wake up on a Sunday crying you’re not here in my arms once again I was too much,I was too crazy so I lay alone in my bed numb and empty Wondering- will I ever find someone to fill this void within me ? will I ever find someone who will truly love me? will I ever find someone with the patience of a saint who won’t leave the minute I go insane? !
Always has never been a friend of mine because of the many lies I associate with it I’ll always be here for you- I’ll always love you I’ll always be your friend so now I never believe people who say always Instead, I look at them with cynicism And tell them, “that’s nice but I don’t believe you”
Anger trickles in throughout my body I didn’t get enough sleep and the monster of PMDD is creeping in I scream at the universe for playing a certain song on the radio And I get annoyed by everything I hate being so sensitive and triggered by the stupidest shit I hate being mentally ill I hate how the smallest change in my routine causes me to spiral into nonsensical circle of fury
my anger walks in and I feel an earthquake within and I become the saltiest bitch Writing poetry about anyone who’s wronged me but then again it is entertaining Seeing how mean and petty I can be It’s not like I’m vindictive or seeking out revenge most of these new angry poems won’t be shared with the world it will be kept inside the pages of my notebooks and journals I just need to let it out and scream Fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, fuck the world, fuck everything Before I take it out on anybody before I post something stupid and cringy I’ll regret later before I allow the world to know how I’m burning
valentine’s day is around the corner so we’re bombarded by teddy bears,balloons, greetings with corny shit like “for my wife, the love of my life” and flowers, the fucking flowers there are even journals for couples to fill out in hope of getting closer- I still can’t figure that one out and stupid heart shaped everything, from cookie cutters to pillows and flowers, the fucking flowers and most of us eat it all up thinking if our partner doesn’t buy us anything or doesn’t meet our romantic expectations on the most materialistic of holidays, then they must not really love us- never occurring to us how this business of love preys on us and our fear of being lonely it capitalizes and profits from it sending us messages that we need to buy this or that (get the flowers, the fucking flowers) to show our love it’s a trap that followed us since our school days maybe it’s time to riot and burn down anything related to this dreadful holiday especially the fucking flowers or maybe I’m just a crazy and jaded bitch alone on valentine’s day
Life on the BPD 