Posted on by pattytacuri · 6 Comments

A New Diagnosis: BPD

Me at 16

It was April of 1996 and I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 3 months after he had grown distant from me. I was in a world of despair and teenage angst and longed to no longer exist. I was feeling this rush of intense sadness as I was walking home from school. I looked at the cars on the street and thought about how easy it would be to end my sadness if I got run over by one. As I was alone in my thoughts, I stopped paying attention as I crossed the street and wasn’t aware that a car was coming. It stopped within inches of hitting me and the driver honked at me and yelled at me. I continued to walk in shock of what had just happened. I didn’t know then but I would be walking into many more BPD episodes like this one.

Fast forward to the summer of 2021 and I’m 40, the mother of 3 kids, work 2 jobs, and have a complicated love life. I decide to go back to therapy due to some recent trauma and driving anxiety. I do a 3 hour assessment and when the feedback comes back, it’s there on my concept map: I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I expected the driving phobia but the new diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder was definitely unexpected.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

According to Mayo Clinic, “Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.“

What are the signs and symptoms?

  • An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel
  • Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all
  • Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
  • Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

Causes for Borderline Personality Disorder:

  • Genetics. Some studies of twins and families suggest that personality disorders may be inherited or strongly associated with other mental health disorders among family members.
  • Brain abnormalities. Some research has shown changes in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, impulsivity and aggression. In addition, certain brain chemicals that help regulate mood, such as serotonin, may not function properly.

Risk Factors include:

  • Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close relative — your mother, father, brother or sister — has the same or a similar disorder.
  • Stressful childhood. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused or neglected during childhood. Some people have lost or were separated from a parent or close caregiver when they were young or had parents or caregivers with substance misuse or other mental health issues. Others have been exposed to hostile conflict and unstable family relationships.

Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

Learning about this disorder has been overwhelming and also life changing. Some of my friends didn’t think it was possible for me to have BPD because I’m too nice. I was also kind of in denial at first until I did the research and thought damn, my life finally makes sense to me. I’ve been coping with intense emotions since I could remember and have a pattern of risky and impulsive behavior and sometimes self sabotaging my own success and romantic relationships. One minute my mood can shift from happy and joyful to full on anger and sadness if I am triggered by feelings of rejection, abandonment, being criticized or judged. I also have a tendency to villainize people if I feel threatened by them. Also, when I feel like my life is “too normal” or “too boring”, I seek out an adrenaline rush and create chaos.

Throughout the years, I’ve leaned some healthy coping mechanisms like journaling, writing poetry or blogging, exercising, mediocre dancing and singing. I’ve also had some unhealthy mechanism like drinking, binge shopping, binge eating, having sex for only validation purposes. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten better with time because I’ve become more self aware of myself and my need to survive not only for my myself but also for my kids.

I’m hopeful that with this new diagnosis of BPD and therapy, I’ve have way better coping mechanisms to become a better version of myself. I’m hopeful that going on this new journey, I’ll not only be surviving but I’ll be thriving. I also hope that I heal the girl in the picture above who was a teenager trying to find love for within the arms of a any dude because she didn’t know how to love herself.

Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

Poetry: Guilt

I wrote this poem in February of this year inspired by my oldest son.

me and my oldest son in March of this year

the guilt visits me over the mother I should have been
I should have been older, wiser, married
but instead you ended up with an immature teen mom
who read you Stephen King instead of fairy tales
who played you Matchbox Twenty instead of lullabies
who wore you on my hip like a new fashion accessory
who missed the signs early on that you were different
because I was too self absorbed looking for love
but what’s done can’t be undone-
I hope one day you understand
I did the best I could with what I had

Posted on by pattytacuri

Poetry: Let Go

I wrote this poem in August of 2022.

I let go of control over what I can’t change
and allow the source to do what’s best for me
because faith has always shone a light in me
because I’ve never felt alone because of her
she has the power to transform,
she provides the hope for me to go on
as I walk towards self worth, confidence
and empowerment in my heroine’s journey

Posted on by pattytacuri

poetry: attention

Aqui esta la version en Espanol:

Poesia: La Misma Historia

I’d rather be berated and hated
than ignored and treated with indifference
call me a lunatic, call me a bitch
call me the worst mistake of your life
JUST CALL ME ANYTHING!
Then I’ll know I won
because I’ve imprinted on your memory

Posted on by pattytacuri · 2 Comments

poetry: so jealous

aquí esta la versión en español:

Poesía: Decepción

nothing ever happens to my exes after they leave-
they don’t blink, they don’t flinch, they don’t need therapy
and I’m so incredibly jealous of that!
They’re carefree and without any feelings-
Absconding without blame or any responsibility
While I’m left in a spiral of shame and regret
and many times losing my sanity
How many more mental breakdowns will I have before accepting=
love is always a dangerous game for me-
no matter how casual and detached I try to be
my nature will always be to give, give, give
Until I lose parts of my identity
Maybe this is how I keep attracting narcissists?

Posted on by pattytacuri

Ideas Introverts Can Implement for Improved Self-Care

by Julie Morris

Since the world is more social than ever, with connections available at every moment of the day, an introvert can quickly become burnt out. Introspective individuals like yourself need personal time to refresh and recharge, and it often requires creative ideas to carve that time out. Today, Life on the BPD presents some techniques you can implement to boost your self-care and live your best life.

 

Do a Daily Digital Detox

Just because you can be available 24/7 doesn’t mean you should be. Before smartphones and tablets, people could remain productive without having every friend and family member on demand. Train others to get used to you being unavailable at every moment by scheduling do not disturb times on your devices. Set automatic instant message and email responses for when you’re not on the clock that mentions when you can respond to messages again.

Unapologetically acknowledge your busy schedule to let people know you value them, but you give each assignment your undivided attention. Set at least a half-hour daily to disconnect from all devices and social media for the sake of your mental health.

Use Breathing Exercises

Henry Ford Health notes that a few minutes for a breathing break can be all you need to recalibrate your mind and body during overwhelming moments. Try pursed lip breathing to calm your mind and lessen stress. Diaphragmatic breathing can help you to fall asleep and manage your nervous system. The lion’s breath technique is useful for invigorating yourself when you feel exhausted.

Change Your Mattress

We all know how vital a good night’s rest can be when it comes to helping us recharge to face the next day’s challenge, but sometimes, that’s easier said than done. Luckily, you can greatly improve your sleep quality with a mattress – especially if you haven’t changed yours in ages! Here are some top-rated options that make the most of modern technology to give you a sleep solution that’s impossible to beat.

 

Keep Things Tidy

Cleaning and decluttering your home can be an incredibly effective way to reduce stress and improve living spaces. Having a neat, organized space can help reduce anxiety as it allows for better concentration and focus. Additionally, getting rid of excess clutter can make your space feel fresher and lighter. This allows for better air circulation, creating more positive energy in the space.

Decluttering also helps reduce distractions in the environment, promoting a calmer atmosphere that leads to better clarity of thought and focus. Cleaning up also gives you an opportunity to destress by focusing on tasks that don’t require a lot of mental stimulation. In conclusion, cleaning and decluttering your home can be helpful for reducing anxiety and ushering out negative energy from the environment.

Establish Personal Boundaries

Establishing boundaries with your time is crucial for productivity, overall well-being, and healthy relationships. Without setting limits and prioritizing your time, it’s easy to become overwhelmed and fall into a cycle of stress and burnout, especially if you are an introvert.

By intentionally setting aside time for work, self-care, and relationships, you can create a balance that allows you to be more present and efficient in all aspects of your life. Boundaries can look different for different people. Perhaps you limit time with certain friends or family members who rub you the wrong way, or you cut toxic people out of your life.

You can also use technology to provide buffers, like a video doorbell that allows you to screen visitors or security cameras you can check to ensure your pesky neighbor isn’t outside when you leave for your run. If you encounter any technical glitches, look online for free troubleshooting resources first in order to avoid yet another social encounter with a repair person. Fortunately, many of these small glitches can be handled quickly and easily with a little guidance.

Start Gardening

Creating your own private paradise offers many benefits. Thrive Global points out that emotional and physical health benefits from regular immersion in fresh air. Getting on your hands and knees or working with tools to cultivate the earth provides needed movement. Caring for plants reinforces the value of self-care and promotes calm, concentration, and creativity.

Begin a Fitness Program

Physical activity gives you the energy to endure moments of stress and can stave off depression and worry. Make room for exercise in your weekly plan. Even if you have a lot of work taking up your time, you can find unique ways to add some movement to your day. Forgo the elevator and use the stairs. Go for a walk or a bike ride during your lunch break. If you work in a walkable area, make it a point to walk to get your daily coffee or set up a lunch meeting at a location that you can walk to.

If you have your own office and can’t physically go outside for a walk or ride, put up a “Do not disturb” sign and set up a piece of exercise equipment with virtual software and apps to take a trip through new and exciting areas.

Make a Career Adjustment

Don’t continue with employment that saps your energy and is unrewarding. If possible, start your own business to guarantee that you’re involved in an industry and service that is fulfilling and helpful to others. Identify your strengths and market opportunities to determine where you can provide a unique offering.

However, be aware that starting your own business also means carrying your own health insurance. Fortunately, there are discounted plans available through state-specific programs that were implemented because of the Affordable Care Act. Check out your options before you dive into entrepreneurship so you aren’t left without the ability to care for your physical and mental health.

Once you decide to move forward with your business, you’ll need to spend time developing a robust marketing campaign. Your creativity can help distinguish you from the competition and create a brand identity. In addition to spreading the word via social media, broaden your customer base through some old fashioned approaches like putting up posters. To save money, design a custom poster all by yourself using these free templates that you can customize as needed.

Care for Your Mental and Physical Health

Believe it or not, it’s impossible to thrive as an introvert in this overly connected world. Work time into your schedule to break away, spend some time decluttering and cleaning your home, change up your mattress to improve your sleep quality, proudly promote your work, and care for your mind and body so you can remain joyful and healthy.

Life on the BPD is here to help you survive and even thrive in the face of trauma. Please scroll down to find our comment form.

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