donβt judge others for the life you havenβt lived- not everyone has had the same privileges or self awareness as you some of us hardly had time to process one trauma before facing the next one and unhealthy coping mechanisms were placed itβs how a lot of us learned to live our lives with our emotional gloves and armor always ready
the rocking chair tells a story about the white working class for the past 60 years from grandfather to father to sons from the greatest generation to the boomer generation to the boomer generation and skipped all the way to the zoomer and alpha generation (side note: the boomer knocked up a pretty little millennial thing in his late 40βs)
the rocking chair has seen the first man on the moon to the alpha losing his shit when tik tok went dark for several hours
the rocking chair tells a story of the white working class from breaking the generation curse of illiteracy to educational achievements from factory days to caseworker days to bolton hall days
the rocking chair holds the dreams, the hopes, the struggles of 4 generations of the white working class
Iho Place was my teenage dream that ended up in a nightmare thatβs where my Papi bought our first computer and how I wound up in an AOL chatroom for singles it would seal a fate I had not intended flirting with and meeting strange men would lead me to some dire consequences I got into my first toxic relationship who ghosted me after he went to rehab for his drug problem and I dissociated after the pain of abandonment I was desperate for love and validation and I met a man the man who I would make a baby with Iho Place saw the first 9 months of my son and the start of my relationship with depression looking back-maybe it was also the start of my BPD I remember walking with headphones and losing time it was hard to be at home with my parentβs silence and disap
sometimes I think my sins are the most interesting things about me Perhaps, thatβs why I worship them and keep making poems out of them Especially when I start to lose faith in myself especially when I start lose faith in myself and the universe and fill myself up with self hate and self loathing to crash out fantastically with pen and paper and write masterpieces
Kam Highway would see many changes in our family three teenagers in one house, our parents were saints at first we lived in abject poverty trying to find change in the secondhand couch for ramen or popcorn chicken or anything to put food in our tummies this apartment saw the awkwardness of my adolescence saw my brother almost fall into the wrong crowd saw my sister fall in and out of love until she finally landed her first husband next door and we had a pizzeria next door and also the interesting neighbors like the marine next door who beat his unfaithful wife or Tipper the stripper who was in a toxic relationship with the landlordβs son their song was Kiss and Say Goodbye by the Manhattans and the fun thanksgivings with all of the neighbors
my childhood was not easy and at times full of chaos good to inspire my creativity, one where I never needed much imagination since real life served up a lot of telenovela energy from toxic family dynamics to immigrant trauma to the ghetto melrose place in hawaii my childhood felt like a constant barrage of episodes where the adults couldnβt keep it together
Eventually I had to come up for air from my bubble and live in the real world where bills are piling up, people continue to crash out on my social media feed, and I face a constant existential dread constantly wondering if I am doing enough
Iβm paid less than everyone according to the statistics and itβs simply because of my ethnicity and gender at times I get mad about this but then Iβm like, it is what it is and wonβt change in the near future instead I continue to work hard for my and my kids betterment and try my best to live out my immigrant dream
we hear the ice cream truck and we beg mami for money we tell her to hurry before the ice cream truck realizes heβs in the hood she gives us all of the change in her purse and all of us run to the ice cream truck my favorite is a fudgesicle it taste like an almost normal childhood
one last hit before we have to call it quits before we have to move on to new love stories before we have to grow up and forget our Alice and Peter personas and try to find something mature, something healthy, something long lasting
heβs loved me from the start even if Iβve been high maintenance his love has never wavered even when I came home pregnant at 17 he never took away his encouragement even though I married a man almost as old as him he is my papi- heβs not perfect in any shape,way or form but his love is almost close to perfect
Cochran street was supposed to be our bright new start in a new country naive immigrants we all were thinking america would accept us thinking our family would have our back instead my parents were exploited and me and my siblings were treated like indentured servants- we never talk about how the toxic it all was
or the trauma it brought or how we tried to fit in a country where we were squares in a peg holes and how dad fell further into his addiction and depression and we donβt talk about any of this because dirty laundry is never aired out in public
your love is pure and evergreen and Iβm surprised by it never had anything like it and part of me wants to sabotage it start a stupid fight where you end up as another catastrophe I add to my tome of my lust and love but something tells me, itβs my anxiety doing a number on me and Iβm deathly afraid of how close we are getting and for now I pause, I breathe, I tell myself this time itβs different this time, iβm not some hidden secret kept in your pocket this time, both of us have done the work and gone to therapy this time, we both have eyes open and have shown most of our cards this time, it could work out
I was supposed to have been born in Cuzco but drama kept me away until I was two cusco saw me walk for the first time cusco saw me blossom with the attention and affection of my family and everyone else I learned to be happy with the new freedom my legs gave me but one day that changed when I was four when the baby sitter hurt me -hurt me for being spoiled hurt me for having la tez clara and she gave me a phobia of water and my resilience created an imaginary friend Calinchia to help me face and process what happened to me and eventually blocked my trauma
As a child I naively thought america was the land of the free itβs the greatest myth sold to everyone especially to immigrants as an adult, I found out the truth American is the land of the free- but you have to meet certain conditions 1)you have to be white 2)you have to christian 3)you have to be male and now that I found out about the conditional freedom of America Iβm no longer shocked by its many atrocities