I wrote this in May of 2003 when I was going wrestling with a terrible bout of depression. I kept trying to find the light of the end of the tunnel but it was hard.
A sponge is what I am as I start to absorb this mortifying and painful experience From a sponge I become A meatloaf of frustration From a meatloaf I become A tall and full glass of self pity and regret From the tall and full glass Iβm trying Very hard to become a hard rock of acceptance
I wrote this in May of 2003 when one of my close friends had a miscarriage.
Itβs so funny and ironic When something bad happens most people says things Like βitβs Godβs wayβ or the famous βWhatever doesnβt kill you makes you strongerβ It makes you wonder if there are actual people out there who would say, βItβs okay to be mad at Godβs wayβ or βItβs alright to be weak instead of strongβ or that itβs perfectly fine to scream out loud βFUCK THE WORLDβ If there is a least one person like this, I want them to become my new βbest friendβ
I wrote this in April of 2002 when I was depressed and felt empty. Chronic feelings of emptiness is a trait of living with BPD. It’s rough sometimes.
Iβm at a very bad place I struggle and struggle to come out of this miserable and horrible place But somehow feel confined With a helluva strong glue at the bottom of my pitiful feel Stuck to the pit of here( my life) I continue to Dream and dream The impossible dream To someday become unstuck
I wrote this in March of 2003 when I went back to Hawaii. I had a lot of conflicting feelings about this trip.
Waikiki Beach
Iβm back here Where it all started A place I once called home But now Iβm not so sure I always wonder if I shouldβve stayed But now I see why I had to go away It is filled with both Beautiful memories of the loved ones I left behind And ugly memories of the ones that left me behind when I needed them the most I donβt regret coming back Because itβs what I needed In order to heal and move on from you my past, and let you go
So last month was poetry month and there is an event called NapoWrimo where poets challenge themselves to write one poem every day for the month of April. Here is a link to information about it:
I found out about the event last year but didn’t do it because I was in the middle of moving and way too busy at the time. This year, I decided to give it a try because I was in a better mindset and I had time. Also, since last year, Iβve been writing poetry on an almost daily basis so I didnβt think it would be too hard. I also wanted to post a poem a day on social media but that didnβt happen. Life got crazy with kids and my two jobs so I took a social media break in early April to focus on real life. However, I still updated my blog and still wrote poetry. During the month of April, Iβve averaged writing between 9 to 12 poems a day. Iβve used prompts from Instagram and my own prompts to write so much and hereβs a few examples of them:
I made prompts from lyrics
One thing that really helped me with this challenge was to turn off my internal editor. What this means is anything goes when I write even if it sounds shitty or terrible at the time that I write it down. I tell myself, I can always go back and revise it later. I also gave myself permission to not judge anything I write down and to really have self compassion for myself no matter what comes out. This gave me absolute freedom to write. Iβve also been sharing on my blog a poem or two from this challenge on a daily basis. It was hard at first because I was sharing raw and unedited work that sometimes doesnβt make sense BUT I said fuck it. Iβm not claiming to be a good poet or a good writer. Iβm well aware of my flaws and limits when it comes to my writing and Iβll address them someday. With this challenge, I wanted to just focus on writing even if what came out was cringy or repetitive or super emotional. I also want to mention that while this writing exercise challenged my creativity; it also opened the door to process parts of unhealed trauma which led to more healing. I know what youβre all thinking, how much more healing does this bitch need to do? Trust me, Iβve asked myself the same thing every day. I could write a whole book on healing from past trauma but I wonβt. Iβll leave that to the experts. I guess my main takeaway from NapoWrimo was that for me to do it and be successful at it, it was important to turn off judgment and my internal editor. Something I didnβt expect from this exercise was how therapeutic it ended up being for me. I also didnβt expect for so much of the poetry I posted to be well received by my followers. Iβm honestly humbled and grateful every time I get a like or comment about anything I write because itβs hard to imagine sometimes that my brand of messy and crazy resonates with anyone. My advice when it comes to doing this kind of exercise is the obvious: shut down your internal editor and turn off judgment. Also, donβt be afraid to just write even if it doesn’t make sense why youβre writing it or how it comes out on paper. Thereβs a purpose and reason behind your words even if it doesnβt feel like it at the time. Most importantly, write from the heart with loads of self compassion. While I shared what I wrote and really liked that aspect; I wonβt tell you to do the same. Itβs up to you if you want to write just for yourself (which is okay) or to share with the world (thatβs okay too). Below are some of favorite poems from this writing challenge:
I wrote this in January of 2003 about Lucas. I was doing what I normally do, obsessing over past love because I was lonely. At least I wrote this poem instead of trying to track him down.
damn…a hard truth
My dear Luke I Still miss you Even after your unexpected departure My heart feels a terrible torture Of not having you by my side I wonder if for me, you ever cried Why couldnβt you stay? Instead of leaving on that dreary day Why did you have to go? Nobody else couldβve loved you more I know my letter may seem strange to you But my heart finds it hard to replace you I have tried so hard to move on But itβs impossible to go on I guess I should say goodbye Before I start to cry But before I do this I gotta tell you my wish that you find what you need Even if itβs without me And if you ever find yourself in love Understand that you’re enough and that you fight for it Donβt run away from it So now I say goodbye my friend Maybe one day Iβll see you again
I wrote this in September of 2001, probably about a one night stand. It’s amazing how great sex fucks with my brain. Lol.
I saw myself last night In a sea of the most passionate lovemaking of my life It was like your body Knew me like an old friend Even though we just met 2 nights ago