Poetry: Precious Moments
I wrote this in 2002 about my ex Andrew whom I dated briefly in 1997/1998. Well, we’ll call him the first Andrew because I love to recycle names. Lol. I had a tendency to get nostalgic about because the love and infatuation I felt for him was really, really intense. Also, our story was kind of crazy in its own right but that’s another blogpost. I’ll just say that I idealize him and placed him on a pedestal for many, many years after we broke up.
I think of you tonight
More than I do on most nights
Listening to this melancholic song
Brings back all of those precious moments
With you in my mind
When we were each other’s whole world
And nothing or no one else
mattered except you and I
And I wonder if I ever run through
that beautiful mind of yours
Or if I ever reached your heart
if even for the briefest moment
Share this:
Poetry: To My Baby Daddy
I wrote this in 2002 about my first son’s bio dad. It kind of sucks that this situation happened BUT at least I got some salty poetry out of it. Lol.
Hey Mr.Donor man
How does it feel to have your son
Learn you never wanted to come
That you talked big shit
and never meant any of it
That no matter how hard I tried for him
you never wanted to be a daddy to him
That you were so fucking lame
You couldn’t even give him your last name
That to you, his mom
was just good fun
That you’re a fucking coward
you never dared to be his father
Don’t worry though
He’ll always have my love
And without you, he’ll be just fine
One day I’ll meet a man who is kind
Who will love him and I
and will want us in his life
Who’ll be glad to take the place of
The man who couldn’t give us love
Who will come to his defense
when things get tense
Who will stick around
And won’t bring him down
Who will finally be
The dad you never wanted to be
Share this:
Poetry: Three Years Too Late
I wrote this poem about my oldest son’s bio dad in February of 2002. A lot of residual resentment I had towards him was because he wouldn’t step up. My empathy button for him was really broken for him and in this case maybe it needed to be.
Three years too late
You’ve decided to embrace your fate
You’ve decided to recognize your mistake
And fill my ears with apologies
For not accepting mine and his existence
So now you feel like playing dad
And expect me to forgive and forget
about the misery you left us in
The years of being a fucking deadbeat to him
Please do what you do best
Walk away and put this situation to rest
For he doesn’t need
A false wannabe daddy
Who will cause him harm
in the long run
Share this:
Poetry: She Stopped Waiting
I wrote this about my first baby daddy in February of 2002 when he contacted me. At the time that we talked, he told me that he wish I would have told him earlier about pregnancy because he would have married me instead of his wife. It honestly made me mad so I sat down and wrote this poem.
You left her without a warning
Couldn’t bring yourself to say goodbye
Now you’ve come back
Wanting to stake a claim
On what was once yours
Thinking she will gladly accept you
in a welcoming embrace
Sorry to tell you
But she stopped waiting for your return
a few years ago
You taught her not to need you, not to miss you
She moved on and left you in her mind
as a bittersweet memory
And that’s how she now sees you
Share this:
Poetry: Why Don’t You?
I wrote this about Lucas in 2002 because I found he was having an affair with one of my coworkers and I was seriously jealous and also judging him. This is a good example of my BPD and how I can go idealizing someone to devaluing someone in an extremely short amount of time.
Why don’t you just end it?
Instead of running away from it
Into another’s arms
Your wife doesn’t see the cheating alarm
You only make yourself look worse
By acting like a cheating whore
I’m not exactly judging you
But if the tables were turned on you
Would you like it too?
Being lied too and betrayed
By the one you thought was heaven made
I will warn you to be careful
Because of that small karma rule
Share this:
Poetry: Looking Forward
I wrote this in 2002 fantasizing about the love and life I wanted. Poor 21 year old me, she was so damn naïve.
I’m looking forward to spending the rest of my life
wrapped up in your arms
I’m looking forward to newlywed bliss
Having a little one with your gorgeous smile
And in old age, sitting in our rocking chairs on the front porch
I’m looking forward to petty arguments, responsibility, and bills
What I’m looking forward to the most is to being your wife
Share this:
Poesia: Que Espera?
Escribí este poema en 2002 acerca cuando estaba involucrada con mi compañero de trabajo Lucas que estaba casado. Estaba bien celosa y amarga.
Usted qué espera señor
Que le siga dando amor
Sabiendo que usted comparte
mis caricias, mis noches
Tambien con ella
Sabiendo que me duele el alma
Cada vez que me entero
Que usted estuvo con aquella
Lo siento, pero no estoy aquí
para ser su tonta
Por nuestro “amor”
Esta historia tiene que parar
Y no lo quiero ver nunca más
Share this:
Poetry: Infatuation
I wrote this in January of 2002 about my married coworker Damon. When I have a crush on someone, I kind of use to get obsessed about them. It’s borderline Joe Goldberg vibes. Lol. I can’t tell if it was me having BPD or me being a normal 20 year old.
So I look at you
with my droopy lovesick eyes
And talk to you with my schoolgirl crush voice
Because that’s all I can ever do
It can never go further than that
Because you’re married to another
And that’s something I’m obligated to respect
The only thing left for me to do
is to stay away from you
maybe then my obsession
Will slowly disappear
Share this:
Hey Mister 👋
Share this:
Poetry: Thanks to You
I wrote this in February 2002 about my first baby daddy. He had started to be in contact with when he got the child support order. I obviously had a lot of residual resentment and trauma and blamed him for losing part of adolescence.
She was the girl you left behind
with nothing but a baby
and a desperate hope to keep her alive
She was innocent, naive, and untouched
until the night she fell into your sexy scent,
your empowering embrace, and a world full of promises
She trusted, believed, and dreamed
Thanks to your unexpected departure
that naive girl you left behind
blossomed into a woman of depth, strength and wisdom
beyond her 21 years
She will lust but she can’t ever love
She wants to trust but finds herself full of doubt
She wishes to fill herself with guilt and morals
but has learned to have no scruples
So don’t try to come back and expect her
to believe in your crocodile tears
or your most insincere apologies
that girl you left behind
Grew up into a woman
at a surreal speed thanks to you
Share this:
Poetry: Not That Woman
I wrote this in 2002. It was one of those moments when I was having one of those moments where my self esteem was high and I was like fuck love, I’m awesome by myself.
She is not that woman
who needs a man
She alone fulfills her dreams
Without him, her face still beamsme
She is not that beauty chick
Who has all the men at her feet
She’s got something else
When the world of beauty fails
She is not that pushover girl
Submissive with the golden curls
She’s got her own mind
Love is not worth her time
She is not that Ms.Prom Queen
Who wants an engagement ring
A husband she could care less about
She’d rather not take that life route
Share this:
Inner Wealth
Share this:
Poetry: Mr. New Guy
I wrote this in early January 2002 about some random dude I was talking to online. I never met the dude that inspired this poem.
So you want to meet soon?
I wonder why
You say because I sound
Sexy and great
But should I take another chance
And end up with another
horrible waste of a man
who will regard me
as just another good fuck
Or maybe I’m being too cynical
And you for once will be
Mr.Right
What I know is that
I couldn’t stand again being a fad
Share this:
Poetry: Without a Goodbye
I wrote this poem in 2001. I think that this poem was inspired by seeing what one of my family members was going through during their separation.
Walking through this house
so full in every single room
are memories of you
the living room where
you held me
the kitchen where we dined
the bedroom we made love
kind of hard to imagine
all that is left,
are pictures of you
in my mind
but I have to accept that
this house will be
empty and cold
just like my heart
since you left
without saying goodbye
Life on the BPD 