short gray hair, steely blue eyes, red nose, transparent white skin stern hands with a wooden rules in them always ready to correct an unruly and wild child who talked too much, who wiggled in line or at their desk, who walked a thin line between angel and mortal her presence intimidated me and scared me to tears and a Godly fear of disappointing her quickly set in me at age 6 and quickly I learned how to swim found that the key to never feel her wrath was silence and unconditional obedience by blending in with the walls, with my desk, only speak when spoken to, ask permission for everything even to breathe, become a good little soldier of the Lord forget Spanish and leave my immigrant identity at home itβs how I survived 5 years of religious indoctrination itβs how I became an american
this poem has to be one of the most unhinged things I’ve ever written
My past called to me and I made the mistake of answering it and looked for the former main characters in my life Stalked them on google and social media and most of them didnβt want to be found perhaps they did the right thing in wanting to live their lives in peace without their ghosts haunting them but two of the ones who had the great impact on me both of them are happily married one of them has a son my youngest sonβs age Iβm glad he grew out of his peter pan syndrome and the other is about to finally become a dad at 43 his lifelong dream come true after waiting for so long Iβm trying to be happy for him and with all that Iβm ready to really close that chapter On my past because while I was distracted from my grief And highly entertained by my theatrics and my shitty choices in men when I was in my twenties Its time to stop this business of reminiscing of what was and what could have been Its time to accept what is and what could be and focus on making my own lifelong dreams come true And be open to my invisible string out there somewhere waiting for me
we went from devils to fools within a span of a couple of years itβs a journey that almost broke us one that needed to be taken apart you needed to find out who you were without alcohol I needed to find out who I was without a lover and when we met again I was deathly afraid to let you back in and kept my guard up making sure we didnβt fall back into the toxicity we used to bask in and various times I thought that meant blocking you, ghosting you, taking what you said personally but really it was me being careful with my ego and energy not wanting to risk another emotional relapse and the last time I let you go I really thought we were done but on a september night, you texted again And while I tried to keep it platonic I couldnβt help myself and found myself in your arms once again trying desperately to keep it casual, to say no strings attached at all, you can leave when you want to but how can I do this when I keep thinking about you and suddenly I find myself a fool in our journey
en un cerrar y abrir de ojos el sueΓ±o se esfumΓ³ y ahora todo lo que tengo son fotos y recuerdos de lo que alguna vez fuimos de lo que alguna vez vivimos
The journey into the broken pieces of my soul makes me cry out from agony felt Solitude, vitamins, a healthy and boring routine Affirmations with big and healthy dose of self compassion are the requisites for healing and growth- itβs a spiritual journey into healing my inner child and it fucking hurts
the roses died and turned black in fall- and it reminded me of how many times love turns into black roses a sad sight indeed a sight that makes one cry because once love turns into black roses it can never be revived
One day Iβll find the one whoβll break down the fortress that guards my vulnerability Heβll know how to handle me Heβll tell me βIβm impossible when Iβm too muchβ but will show his love and loyalty heβll annoy me because heβs human but our joy will outweigh our conflict and weβll stress each other out but never lose sight of the epic love we feel for one another
When I first started to watch the movie “The Breakup”, I was actually expecting the formulaic Romantic Comedy but it was actually a realistic movie about the demise of a relationship. I found myself relating to Brooke, one of the main characters in the movie more than I would have liked. At the beginning of the movie, we are shown this montage of how the relationship between Gary and Brooke starts and then develops so they are at a point where they move in together when they buy a luxurious condo. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie, we are shown what conflict goes on in their relationship. As Brooke is preparing for a dinner party for both their families, she asks Gary to do things to help her prepare for the guests, Gary is full of excuses and essentially treats her like a nag. Maybe this is my biased perspective coming from a place where Iβve been treated as such.
What is first seen here is a breakup in communication where Gary is dismissive of Brookeβs needs at that moment. I think that a lot of women I know can testify what that feels like but most of us have been conditioned to excuse that kind of behavior. Anyways, at the dinner party, Brooke and Gary act like a normal couple. Also, what can be observed from Brooke and Garyβs families is that they both come from different social classes. We can speculate that this is maybe why their relationship didnβt work but I think it is just one factor. After their families leave, a fight ensues between Brooke and Gary over a simple domestic task, washing the dishes. Brooke wants Gary to help with this task and Gary grumbles about it and when he finally says heβll do, he has a bad attitude about it. Brooke doesnβt want his help and this resonates with me and Iβm sure it does with other women ,she tells Gary, βI want you to want to do the dishes.” That line implicates both control and hopeful expectations for her partner.
A lot of women I know (myself included) wants a partner that takes initiative in helping us and showing their appreciation for us. We feel like we shouldnβt have to remind them, they should just want to do it. If they claim to care about us and love us, why is it so damn hard for them to show it? I think the issue could lie in the cliche that we as women tend to expect βusβ and how we would act from our partners. In society, women are conditioned and taught to be nurturers and to show our love and appreciation for our partners. We are also taught to believe that we have to fit into certain categories of societal expectations in order to feel like we are enough and worthy to feel loved. Men, on the other hand, well, they are just taught that they are good enough as they are for their potential partners. Also, society has conditioned men that in order for them to be βreal menβ, they shouldnβt show their emotions.
Gary and Brooke
As women, we are conditioned to believe that we will thrive and be a whole person in society if we become wives and mothers. This belief makes a lot of women settle for less than they deserve and tolerate way more than they should in a relationship. As humans we are conditioned that life is incomplete without a partner and the worst thing that can happen to us is a life of solitude.
Even though Brooke breaks up with Gary, she later reveals that she does this in hopes that he will learn his lesson and change to become a better partner. She doesnβt actually want to break up with him. She goes so far as to bring the guys she dates to the condo theyβre currently sharing so heβll get jealous. This follows the belief of why many women stay in a relationship; because if they stick around long enough and do the hard work, their partner will change to become the partner they want them to be. It follows the belief that we as women can mold men with enough time and patience to become that partner. This infantilizes men in a way. Itβs a belief in which we are treating men like another one of our children that needs to be molded. Brooke βpunishesβ Gary like a child by breaking up with him in hopes heβll change into the partner she wants him to be.
Gary finally starts to take Brooke seriously towards the end of the movie. By that time, it is too late and sheβs already emotionally detached from him. There is a cliche saying βby the time the guy starts to care, itβs too late and the girl no longer cares . Iβve seen this happen many times in real life. In my own perspective, I tried everything to save my marriage with my husband and even though he tried, it was never enough in my eyes. His dismal effort kept making me feel less than, worthless even. By the time he finally saw that he was going to lose me; it was too late and I had emotionally detached myself from the relationship. Just like Brooke, I had time and time again invested so much of myself, changed so much of myself to try to salvage our relationship while he put in the most minimal effort. I canβt pinpoint the exact moment when I knew that no matter how hard he or I tried, our marriage couldnβt be saved.
At the end of the movie after Brooke leaves the apartment, she runs into Gary a few months later and they catch up in a cordial manner and glance back smiling at each other and one could say perhaps both of them got the closure they needed. Of course, in real life, me and my husband canβt afford to separate and divorced and have to continue to live together but through a mutual understanding we live together as roommates and co-parents. We actually do this successfully and almost painlessly. Heβll even give me life advice from time to time if Iβm going through something rough. I think that once we both accepted that we were no longer compatible as romantic partners, our relationship as friends got stronger since we felt free to really be our authentic selves with each other.
I search for peace and tranquility but it evades me sometimes I find it but it quickly dissipates Feeling so much all of the time gets exasperating I yearn for a vacation from this intensity Iβm starting to think this is my destiny To fall in love hard and feel heartbreak even harder To write a few poems when Iβm in love To write a hundred poems when I face another love failure maybe itβs best to truly accept me a girl sometimes full of serenity a girl always full of intensity