I wrote this poem in January of 2025.

wrap me up in your sunshine
and allow me to feel your warmth
melt down my frigid walls
with your fire
I wrote this poem in January of 2025.

My past called to me and I made the mistake of answering it
and looked for the former main characters in my life
Stalked them on google and social media
and most of them didnβt want to be found
perhaps they did the right thing in wanting to live their lives
in peace without their ghosts haunting them
but two of the ones who had the great impact on me
both of them are happily married
one of them has a son my youngest sonβs age
Iβm glad he grew out of his peter pan syndrome
and the other is about to finally become a dad at 43
his lifelong dream come true after waiting for so long
Iβm trying to be happy for him
and with all that Iβm ready to really close that chapter
On my past because while I was distracted from my grief
And highly entertained by my theatrics and my shitty choices in men
when I was in my twenties
Its time to stop this business of reminiscing of what was
and what could have been
Its time to accept what is and what could be
and focus on making my own lifelong dreams come true
And be open to my invisible string out there somewhere
waiting for me
I wrote this poem in October of 2024.

we went from devils to fools within a span of a couple of years
itβs a journey that almost broke us
one that needed to be taken apart
you needed to find out who you were without alcohol
I needed to find out who I was without a lover
and when we met again
I was deathly afraid to let you back in
and kept my guard up
making sure we didnβt fall back into the toxicity
we used to bask in
and various times I thought that meant
blocking you, ghosting you, taking what you said personally
but really it was me being careful with my ego and energy
not wanting to risk another emotional relapse
and the last time I let you go
I really thought we were done
but on a september night, you texted again
And while I tried to keep it platonic
I couldnβt help myself and found myself
in your arms once again
trying desperately to keep it casual,
to say no strings attached at all,
you can leave when you want to
but how can I do this when I keep
thinking about you
and suddenly I find myself a fool
in our journey

The journey into the broken pieces of my soul makes me cry out from agony felt
Solitude, vitamins, a healthy and boring routine
Affirmations with big and healthy dose of self compassion
are the requisites for healing and growth-
itβs a spiritual journey into healing my inner child
and it fucking hurts

blue beetle, spanish music, latinx immigrant representation
inner niΓ±a healing
quechua music blast from my car rain, bird flew over my car
my ancestors giving me encouragement me to share my story
itβs my way to peace and freedom

the roses died and turned black in fall-
and it reminded me of how many times love
turns into black roses
a sad sight indeed
a sight that makes one cry
because once love turns into black roses
it can never be revived

One day Iβll find the one whoβll break down the fortress
that guards my vulnerability
Heβll know how to handle me
Heβll tell me βIβm impossible when Iβm too muchβ
but will show his love and loyalty
heβll annoy me because heβs human
but our joy will outweigh our conflict
and weβll stress each other out
but never lose sight of the epic love
we feel for one another
When I first started to watch the movie “The Breakup”, I was actually expecting the formulaic Romantic Comedy but it was actually a realistic movie about the demise of a relationship. I found myself relating to Brooke, one of the main characters in the movie more than I would have liked. At the beginning of the movie, we are shown this montage of how the relationship between Gary and Brooke starts and then develops so they are at a point where they move in together when they buy a luxurious condo. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie, we are shown what conflict goes on in their relationship. As Brooke is preparing for a dinner party for both their families, she asks Gary to do things to help her prepare for the guests, Gary is full of excuses and essentially treats her like a nag. Maybe this is my biased perspective coming from a place where Iβve been treated as such.
What is first seen here is a breakup in communication where Gary is dismissive of Brookeβs needs at that moment. I think that a lot of women I know can testify what that feels like but most of us have been conditioned to excuse that kind of behavior. Anyways, at the dinner party, Brooke and Gary act like a normal couple. Also, what can be observed from Brooke and Garyβs families is that they both come from different social classes. We can speculate that this is maybe why their relationship didnβt work but I think it is just one factor. After their families leave, a fight ensues between Brooke and Gary over a simple domestic task, washing the dishes. Brooke wants Gary to help with this task and Gary grumbles about it and when he finally says heβll do, he has a bad attitude about it. Brooke doesnβt want his help and this resonates with me and Iβm sure it does with other women ,she tells Gary, βI want you to want to do the dishes.” That line implicates both control and hopeful expectations for her partner.
A lot of women I know (myself included) wants a partner that takes initiative in helping us and showing their appreciation for us. We feel like we shouldnβt have to remind them, they should just want to do it. If they claim to care about us and love us, why is it so damn hard for them to show it? I think the issue could lie in the cliche that we as women tend to expect βusβ and how we would act from our partners. In society, women are conditioned and taught to be nurturers and to show our love and appreciation for our partners. We are also taught to believe that we have to fit into certain categories of societal expectations in order to feel like we are enough and worthy to feel loved. Men, on the other hand, well, they are just taught that they are good enough as they are for their potential partners. Also, society has conditioned men that in order for them to be βreal menβ, they shouldnβt show their emotions.
Gary and Brooke
As women, we are conditioned to believe that we will thrive and be a whole person in society if we become wives and mothers. This belief makes a lot of women settle for less than they deserve and tolerate way more than they should in a relationship. As humans we are conditioned that life is incomplete without a partner and the worst thing that can happen to us is a life of solitude.
Even though Brooke breaks up with Gary, she later reveals that she does this in hopes that he will learn his lesson and change to become a better partner. She doesnβt actually want to break up with him. She goes so far as to bring the guys she dates to the condo theyβre currently sharing so heβll get jealous. This follows the belief of why many women stay in a relationship; because if they stick around long enough and do the hard work, their partner will change to become the partner they want them to be. It follows the belief that we as women can mold men with enough time and patience to become that partner. This infantilizes men in a way. Itβs a belief in which we are treating men like another one of our children that needs to be molded. Brooke βpunishesβ Gary like a child by breaking up with him in hopes heβll change into the partner she wants him to be.
Gary finally starts to take Brooke seriously towards the end of the movie. By that time, it is too late and sheβs already emotionally detached from him. There is a cliche saying βby the time the guy starts to care, itβs too late and the girl no longer cares . Iβve seen this happen many times in real life. In my own perspective, I tried everything to save my marriage with my husband and even though he tried, it was never enough in my eyes. His dismal effort kept making me feel less than, worthless even. By the time he finally saw that he was going to lose me; it was too late and I had emotionally detached myself from the relationship. Just like Brooke, I had time and time again invested so much of myself, changed so much of myself to try to salvage our relationship while he put in the most minimal effort. I canβt pinpoint the exact moment when I knew that no matter how hard he or I tried, our marriage couldnβt be saved.
At the end of the movie after Brooke leaves the apartment, she runs into Gary a few months later and they catch up in a cordial manner and glance back smiling at each other and one could say perhaps both of them got the closure they needed. Of course, in real life, me and my husband canβt afford to separate and divorced and have to continue to live together but through a mutual understanding we live together as roommates and co-parents. We actually do this successfully and almost painlessly. Heβll even give me life advice from time to time if Iβm going through something rough. I think that once we both accepted that we were no longer compatible as romantic partners, our relationship as friends got stronger since we felt free to really be our authentic selves with each other.

I search for peace and tranquility but it evades me
sometimes I find it but it quickly dissipates
Feeling so much all of the time gets exasperating
I yearn for a vacation from this intensity
Iβm starting to think this is my destiny
To fall in love hard and feel heartbreak even harder
To write a few poems when Iβm in love
To write a hundred poems when I face another love failure
maybe itβs best to truly accept me
a girl sometimes full of serenity
a girl always full of intensity

The numbness comes back
and there is nothing to fill the void
Running, drinking, dancing
Nothing stops the thoughts
about deleting myself
from this cesspool called life
Whatβs the point?
To love and get your heart
crushed over and over and over again
I had come so far
and to think this one
was well different
But once again
I was wrong, so wrong
Love stories arenβt meant
for people like me
Because Iβm too much,
Too hard, too crazy
To ever be truly loved
But I keep going, I keep continuing
One step at a time,
One day at a time
to live
Because thatβs the right and brave
thing to do

Mother of three
What does that even mean?
Responsibilities, obligations, duties
Alcohol and going out are taboo for me
Songs of sacrifices and martyrdom
Are the tunes I hum
Dinner with friends and
concerts are just WRONG!
Soccer games and play dates
Are my important dates
No time to spend
With my lifetime mates?
Mother of three,
Will I ever be free?

I told myself βno expectationsβ
βJust use him for a short timeβ
Thatβs all heβll be good for
But his words, his gaze
His hands, his lips
Felt like home the first night
This canβt be happening
This canβt be real
This isnβt who I want to be with
But my heart wouldnβt listen
To the logic in my head,
The advice from my friends
I had the first hit and I needed to go back-
I feel like a pathetic drug addict-
I told myself βno expectationsβ
And yet a year later-
Here we still are in our
Intense and passionate love affair
I wrote this in August of 2020 when

Thoughts in my head
race up and down
Thoughts about
my mediocre reality
Thoughts about all
of the failures in my life–
I want it to stop
but my brain-
my crazy brain wonβt stop
SO I keep thinking
Is it just a matter of time
before he tires of me and leaves?
Will I ever reach that sweet spot
of stability and contentment?
Or will I always live this miserable
experience of dreadful anxiety?
What are your favorite emojis?
ππͺβοΈππ’ππ€£π₯³ always crying, always laughing