Old insecurities come to visit me again, they shake up my newly acquired confidence they tell me I’m not smart enough and I’ll never be truly loved They tell the only thing I have going for me is how sexy I can be Otherwise I’m a waste of a person because of my bpd And I try to shut it all down and not once again drown Because I have made so much progress and have come so far Only to once again fight an anxiety and depression war but it’s daunting not to let the negativity get to me So here I go once again trying to calm down my brain from intense and intrusive thoughts by covering myself with self love
“I can’t recall the last time I was kissed”-Lizzy McAlpine
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
With my last rock bottom, I learned many things I learned about the power of my strength and resilience I learned how to be truly alone I learned about self-love and how to feel enough And I learned how maybe love isn’t for me and all of these things were hard for me to learn But after my last rock bottom I came out a different person A person who understands herself better A person who stopped apologizing for who she is and is no longer afraid to be herself
maybe in another universe, another lifetime we would have been right for each other we could have been twin flames but in this universe, in this lifetime we were just lessons learned some karmic debt we both needed to pay
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasn’t able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Here’s that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is I’ve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and I’ve even written some funny stuff. Here’s one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that I’m getting better at telling a story through my poetry and here’s an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were “good poems” and I’ll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and that’s what I posted in my blog. This shows I’m growing as a writer as I’m editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons I’ve grown as a writer is because I’ve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know I’ve said so many times, “I write for myself primarily” and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I don’t think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think I’m just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone who’s thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you don’t have to post it if you don’t want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, I’m thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again I’m better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
Lord, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do if this ever happens
in the dark corners of the earth the karma gods get together with their hit list they scheme and plan lessons of devastation, destruction, and death to teach someone a lesson about poetic justice
It’s been almost a year since I saw you Almost a year since I allowed you to treat me like your on call whore almost a year since I got a sinking feeling in my gut when your text appeared on my phone screen almost a year since I allowed any man have the power you had over me almost a year and contrary to popular belief you were the easiest of my addictions to get rid of
And so she self medicated with sleeping pills, alcohol and Almodovar films she wanted to drown out the feelings of worthlessness within her she was exhausted from repeating the same lust story she needed just for today to numb out her feelings, to escape the fire in her brain that burns with self-pity and self hate
Can I blame the morning rain for making me crazy yesterday it’s like I lost all of my emotional regulation skills and I had to constantly struggle to reign my anger in To not key my annoying coworker’s car To not drive off somewhere and never come back but HEY I still managed to get through the day and not rage quit
I’m a lone brunette wolf in a world full of blonde sheep my exes always preferred blondes over me I never knew exactly why perhaps blondes really do have more fun perhaps blondes are easier to manipulate this used to bother me greatly, even robbed me of my sanity and sleep but eventually I had a great epiphany the one meant for me will not just love how sweet I can be He’ll also love and encourage the savage in me he’ll know how to ride the turbulent waves of my mood swings I’m not sure if I’ll meet him soon or if he even exists but after this grand epiphany I no longer care about my exes and their blonde sheep In fact, I wish them all the best fairytale ending
the end of the fiscal year brings out the worst in me it crushes my soul and creativity and makes me want to run into the woods and go feral but my kids need food and shelter so I put all of my distress tolerance skills to use and my try my best to emotionally regulate my anger and the fire that burns inside of me hide behind phrases “okay, I’ll get that done” “no worries” and “it’s no problem at all” when I want to tell everyone to fuck your purchase orders and spreadsheets but sigh-I like my nice car and Alexa playing Olivia Rodrigo in the morning so I hold everything in because I desperately need this paycheck it sucks to be held hostage by capitalism
mis rivales siempre son rubias quizas sera porque ellas se dejan manipular o porque a mis exes les dan paz mientras aunque yo trato de ser tranquila como ellas siempre fracaso porque soy una loba feroz en realidad nunca fui o seré una oveja que se deja dominar
my boss tells me, “you’re so loved” she’s not wrong I have countless family, friends, and coworkers singing my praises, encouraging and supporting me and yet, I feel so alone-so lost- constantly questioning my actions am I doing this out of revenge or ego? am I showing myself enough grace and compassion? maybe I just need to sleep away this existential frustration
nos encarcelamos en monotonía y rutina Convirtiéndonos victimas de nuestras vidas sin sueños y metas pensando que nuestros mejores años han pasado hundiendonos en el falso cuento que la sociedad nos viendo que nuevas aventuras son solo nuestros días de juventud
on the shitty days I remember there is another open mic to go to
not every day can be filled with peace, calm, joy or excitement Some days are absolutely shitty and depressing Some days it’s hard to get up in the morning without screaming fuck repeatedly on your way to work Some days are overwhelming to push through as hormones and emotions fuck you up Some days are for questioning your life choices over and over again allowing doubt and insecurity to cloud you its accomplice self invalidation Some days are for getting up only to look forward to the end of it when you can sleep with the hope for a better day
Life on the BPD 