pale petals fall on windy autumn day
and brush against my skin
it feels like a soft touch from my lover’s hand
and I feel loved by nature
I feel affection from the source
it gives me butterflies to think of how much
I’m loved and cared for by God
I wrote this poem in August of 2024.
the bomb of my insanity explodes and I try my best
to do damage control
tell my paranoid inner child not everyone’s out to get me
but it’s too late and I fall once again under the spell of depression
I try every single coping mechanism and it’s futile
I just need to sit and acknowledge my inner critic
and the dark and intrusive thoughts that come up
Understand and accept that shit is temporary
there will be better times ahead
for now it’s just annoying
I wrote this poem in August of 2024.
love will have to wait while i switch the gears from survival mode to triunfadora mode
right now I can only concentrate on existing and putting one foot in front of another
right now I only have the energy and time to focus on myself
and digging myself out of the latest catastrophe I find myself in
right now is not the time for crushes or new relationships
it wouldn’t be fair to him to invite him into my current chaos
right now I stand alone, get myself together
before trying to fall into the magic of love again
the sunset at el parque del amor makes me believe
in love again
it makes me believe I won’t always be holding
on so tightly to my solitude
it makes me believe that I could have
another accomplice to share my life with
I wrote this poem in August of 2024.
if self sabotage was an olympic sport, I’d win the gold medal
so many times I’d been close to reaching my potential
only to screw it up later
maybe it’s the insecure and anxious little girl
who still lives within me
who’s scared of conquering fears and chasing her dreams
I need to figure out a way to quell her
to give her closure and peace so she’ll let me be
live in peace and stop sabotaging everything
I wrote this poem in August of 2022.
Give me a man who will buy me everything
and I will accommodate to him-
Because unlike JLo my love costs all the pretty things
dresses, jewelry, vacations in the caribbean
give it all to me and you can be my king
because if I’m going to be treated like shit by a man
in a relationship, at least let it be on a cruise ship
I wrote this poem in August of 2024.
August is here and I hold onto
the few slivers of hope left in me
as I reach another rock bottom
self correcting and not making myself a victim
making sure I’m better than yesterday
Trying my best to control my emotions
knowing that somewhere in the wash
of this downward spiral
will come the biggest silver lining
I wrote this poem in July of 2024.
I’m going to paint the sky with all of the colors of your love
red, green, yellow, dark gray, midnight blue, and black
every single color you’ve brought to my life
it’s will be the most epic mural who beauty will rival
the taj mahal
a mural decided to my own miracle of your love
Nature’s kiss is the sunshine on my face as I run-
and it’s hug is the wind against my body as I fall
into the rhythm of the song I’m listening to-
nature was part of God’s remedy for
the darkness and despair I tend to fall into
I wrote this poem in July of 2024.
maybe I restarted the blog for a younger version of us out there
in another state, another country who needs a roadmap,
Understanding, knowledge, and wisdom
in navigating a hard situation they never thought
they had to face
maybe I restarted the blog out of hope that some couple
out there who’s struggling can find something useful
in my story, in my prose, and my poetry
to get through their own hardship through the worst of it
and make it to the other side, evolve and grow together
in intimacy and find their own happy ending
my energy is a precious commodity
i don’t give it to anybody
my time and effort now has to be earned
because of so many false starts and lessons learned
I’d rather embrace my solitude than once again
Become Joe from “YOU”
because I’m much to beautiful
to fall for another insensitive fool
the intruder within me won’t quit
she remembers every wrong done to her
and every mistake she’s made
and starts the game of how much self loathing
i can take
And I used to try to quell her with affirmations
but lately I tell her-tell me more-
And I listen and write out her words
about every insecurity that still plagues me
and she stops because it’s no longer fun
so she leaves once she’s acknowledged
and once again I return to my inner peace
When I was a teen I was the girl guys hid
They were embarrassed to be seen with me
and now in my middle age men want to brag
about fucking me even if it was that one time
and while I’m not ashamed of my sexuality
I still hate this misogynist reality of
how my body and my sexual intensity
makes me fodder for men’s sexism
maybe it’s toxic masculinity
Or maybe men can’t see past my powerful sexual energy
They need to remember I’m also crazy
and when they relegate me to a sexual object
they become my subject for my salty poetry
I wrote this poem in July of 2024.
these must be the new dark age of my life
where I can’t find my life’s purpose,
where I cry because I don’t think
I’ll ever be loved
where the sleeping pills in my drawers
are tempting me to end my misery
I’m a real monster when I can’t see past my anger
I want to burn you down
I want you to drown
And at times I can control
my impulsivity and revenge
But sometimes my anger can’t be caged
And I try to keep it in between the pages
of my journal and notebooks
but the resentment becomes too loud
to let you off the hook
So a passive aggressive status post happens
with an intent to insult and offend
I want you to feel my anger all the way revealed
Maybe one day I’ll get much better
not allowing my anger to turn me into a monster
Life on the BPD 