People say I shouldnβt give up on love and itβs really just my bad luck But how do I explain How love makes me insane Itβs not the men I pick Itβs really me, me, me Iβll become the version they want me to be thinking theyβll stay with me- behave, swallow my words, hide my anger, implode on myself in the privacy of my journal but keep my mask of sweet princess on- but this never last for long something always happens itβs just a matter of when when will I get tired of hiding who I am and start being erratic and crazy When will they get tired of my bullshit and decided to leave and almost always, this ends up as an emotional catastrophe for me so Iβve come up with a solution Iβm going to make my newfound solitude a haven, a sanctuary to fall into give myself as much time as I need to enjoy the gift on my own company understanding that this isnβt an ending but rather a brand new beginning for me to write and edit my own unconventional love story
I wonder where all of my money goes but then I go home to the bottomless pits that are my kids and then I go upstairs to my bedroom where my closet is exploding with clothes and then I look under bed full of shoes and then I go downstairs to my record player and looks at my various vinyls and we wonβt even talk about my newly acquired furniture from Amazon now I understand my money goes to my busy life and my BPD spending impulsivity
Your false love swallowed me into an ocean of oblivion and I almost drowned You consumed my mind with anxious thoughts of whether or not I mattered to you And thoughts of death visited me when you ignored me Feelings of worthlessness and emptiness threatened my wretched existence over and over again because of your inconsistent love But one day, I was enough by myself I didnβt need your pseudo love So I’m banishing you to the land of past lovers who never deserved the magic of my love
you burned our novel of love because your courage ran out because you couldnβt fight for us- even when you told me over and over again how being with me made you feel alive how I was different from anyone you ever met none of that mattered because you chose your wife because she brings you security because sheβs your peace because sheβs comfortable because you preferred a static and predictable life with her Instead of living a life full of excitement and challenges with me
Deep inside of me is a treasure chest full of wonder, full of splendor Deep inside of me is a treasure chest full of sadness,full of sorrow Deep inside of me is a treasure chest full of love, full of laughter Deep inside of me is a treasure chest full of anger, full of hate
My diagnosis doesnβt define me, It empowers me, it makes sense of my nonsense Iβm not crazy or chaotic or even hard to love Iβm a dream come true wrapped up in complexity sure at times I feel like a nightmare But donβt all of us get rough at times So whoever gets scared and runs away from me Sorry not sorry, Iβm too much and youβre just not enough
Thanks to learning about my BPD Iβm finally free to be me There is a reason for my numbness and for why Iβm such an emotional mess Genetics and trauma played a part for me constantly falling apart There is a reason for my impulsivity and for why I distort reality There is a reason for men running away from me when I go from being sweet to being crazy And now that I know I have BPD I can conquer the world of DBT I hope that after Iβm more calm And stop going off like a bomb Hopefully I have more control over my emotions And there will no longer be hysterical explosions
Iβm tired of the bustle and hustle that comes with my social status and the color of my skin Why wasnβt I raised with privilege and wealth instead of being raised with poverty and trauma? And I try and I try and I try to find a way out of this cruel existence but itβs futile I take pride in my never ending hustling but at times it feels so exhausting There seems to no end in sight for this fruitless fight
William Thomas Brumleyβs debut poetry collection βYou Might Feel This” is aptly named because every single poem made me feel some kind of emotion. As a person who has anxiety and depression the poetry in this book really resonated with me. The poet captures what anxiety and depression feels like with imagery that paints the numbness and darkness of it. Another theme that Brumley tackles is the complexity of romantic relationships . He shows the intensity of emotions that is felt during conflict or a breakup. I also want to mention that aside from the content, what I really loved about this book was the format. You can tell that the author put a lot of thought into making sure it was well put together because of how professional and flawless it looks. He even includes a page after each poem asking your thoughts about it or youβre also given the freedom to write your own poem. As someone who is always looking for inspiration to write poetry, this was a nice surprise for me. Iβve picked three poems that impacted me from this collection to talk about.
The first poem βFamiliar Friendβ I have interpreted as a poem about when anxiety comes to visit you. Anxiety for me feels like an annoying friend that visits at the most inconvenient times and the poet captures that when he states, βFear is an old familiar friend of whom Iβve fallen out of touch with/Why does this shape haunt me? Can they not find another for torment?β (Brumley, 7-9) The way Brumley questions why anxiety haunts him brings a raw intensity in this poem about anxiety thatβs not talked about. It indeed does feel like torment and torture at times.
Another poem that impacted me was βStormy Nightsβ. I interpreted this poem about how your romantic partner distances themselves away from you because theyβre on the verge of breaking up with you. I know many people including myself that have been in this situation and itβs awful; especially if youβre not ready to let go of your partner. When Brumley states, βPlease, please, donβt leave thee here/I can feel your presence is near/ One more climb, one more calm/ Upon the ruckus seaβ ( Brumley, 12-14),these lines draw up an image of someone pleading to their partner to not leave and to give them one more chance. Brumley did an incredible job capturing the sorrow and desperation someone in this situation would feel like.
βTrepidationβ is another poem that impacted me. I have interpreted this poem as the calm you feel after anxiety leaves and questioning how long it will last. This is stated when the poet states, βMay I keep this sealed up tight in a bottle?β (Brumley,9) As a person who had suffered from chronic anxiety and depression, if I had a string of good days filled with hope, I would question how long it would last. Whatβs also interesting to me about this poem is that Brumley addresses people who suffer from anxiety in wishing that they too get a reprieve from anxiety when he states βI wish this ship could sail/Sail far across the sea of tranquility/For it shall reach others who have been trapped under the forceful thumb of anxietyβ (Brumbley,10-12) Brumley shows humanity in acknowledging other sufferers of anxiety.
Mr.Brumley presents an honest depiction of the many complex emotions felt during periods of anxiety, depression and conflict with an insightful awareness. I would highly recommend this poetry collection that will not only make you feel something but will also make you think. Iβm excited to read and review his next poetry book Finish Your Thoughts. Below is a link for both You Might Feel This and Finish Your Thoughts:
McKenzie Harpeβs debut collection, When Pens Became Megaphones is aptly named because of how powerful the writing is in this book. The poems in this book are passionate and compelling in examining a variety of themes. A few of the themes covered in this book are mental health, relationships, family, racism, and social injustice. . The book is divided into four sections which are, βSpeak With Yoβ Mindβ, βSpeak with Yoβ Soulβ, βSpeak with Yo Fistβ and βSpeak with Yoβ Heartβ. Harpe does not mince words or is subtle to express herself in her poetry and that is something I greatly admire. I also want to mention that the format and presentation of the book is very professional and flawless in how itβs laid out making it very appealing for the reader. I will discuss 2 poems from each section that really spoke to me.
The first section βSpeak With Yoβ Mindβ talks frankly and honestly about anxiety and the feelings that come along with it and how the poet copes. The poet presents a true understanding of how some people feel with the burden of anxious thoughts and how trying to find peace with that can feel like an uphill battle. A poem that spoke to me about dealing with anxiety was Medicine. The poem Medicine talks about the healthy coping mechanism that music can be for someone with mental health issues. This is presented in the fourth stanza with the lines βmusic is my only redemption/the only prevention/for lost hopeβ (Harpe,15) As a person with mental health issues myself, music is one of my healthiest coping mechanisms. When the world gets too βnoisyβ for me, I tend to put my earbuds in and play something to either calm me down or hype me up depending on my mood. Another poem from this section that resonated with me was Evicted. Evicted presents a picture about kicking anxiety out. This is presented when the poet states, βsee, I only came to organize/my thoughts on my hanger, /but now Iβm cleaning out more than my closet. /Iβm kicking you out, anxietyβ (Harpe,17) There is a power in that verse which shows the poet taking her power back from anxiety taking up space in her mind. As a person who also suffers from anxiety, I completely get it.
The second section pays a tribute to where the poets come from and her family. Harpe does this by talking about the women in her family as well as her friends. One poem that I especially loved was My Day Ones where she captures the ease that comes from long term friendships or connections. This is stated in the poem, βa necessary vent/ after years/of personal growth/and that vibes still the sameβ (Harpe,31) This poem resonated with me because it reminded me of the connection I have with my childhood friends from Hawaii. Weeks or months can pass by without us talking and out of the blue one of us will say something in our group chat and weβll catch up on life. Another poem I absolutely loved from this section was Auntie. It displays the resilience and strength of a woman who has breast cancer. Harpe shows this woman’s strength from the first line, βI know a woman/whoβs not afraid of monstersβ (Harpe,36). This poem resonates with me when I think about breast cancer survivors and victims of breast cancer . Another thing I like about this poem is that Harpe captures the essence of this woman going through something really harrowing in a way that respects her humanity.
The third section Harpe explores the great social injustices that have been happening and still happen in this country. Harpe does this by talking frankly and honestly about racism and white privilege. The poem Armed is one of my favorite poems in the whole book. It speaks about how words can be weapons of change. When Harpe says, βI load my pen with thoughts/the aim with precision/ spit fire on these pages/ and hope you see my vision/ this is more than just a poem (Harpe,59), she speaks the truth with how people tend to underestimate the power that artists can have when to comes to social change. This poem reminded me that one of the reasons I write is to give a voice to the marginalized immigrant community that I come from. Another poem that really resonated with me in this section was the poem The Five Senses. This poem addresses how white privilege continues to undermine and oppress minorities in this country. I was blown away by how the poet used all of five senses to do this. For example, for the sense of hearing in stanza 2, the poet states βwhat does it sound like? /hearing a native language/and calling it a threat. /yelling at minorities/to go back home/to places they never even met/like we didnβt forget/you never discovered/this country to begin with, (Harpe,66). That stanza gives me goosebumps from how powerful it is in addressing racists and calling out their hypocrisy. This part in this poem really resonated too since I have been subject to prejudice and discrimination due to my ethnicity and former immigration status.
The fourth section βSpeak with Yoβ Heartβ explores themes related to love and itβs not just centered on romantic love, but it also talks about self-love. I really resonate with the poem Dramatic. In the first stanza the poet states βwhen you date a poet/understand that your attitude/will become similes/your emotions/will become metaphors/your actions/will be the starting line/for each stanza ( Harpe,83) How true is this for many poets who will take their inspiration from their romantic relationships. Some of us even have a blog dedicated to this type of poetry (ππ). Another poem that really stood out from this section was Saving Grace. In this poem, Harpe talks about her βtoxic relationship with anxietyβ and how it has impacted her. A powerful verse in this poem was βthis time I felt sad/lonely/and nonexistent. /turns out, he had changed into this person/called depression (Harpe,93). Harpe shows how agonizing it feels like for a lot of us when our anxiety turns into depression. I also want to mention that the end of this poem was very hope and filled with faith. Once again, Harpe captures the painful truth that most of us with anxiety and depression must live with.
With her debut collection, Harpe presents an amazing talent for being open and honest about life, identity, social justice, and mental health. My only complaint about this book is that I wanted to read more. Yes, thatβs how good this poetry collection was. I donβt usually read a book in one sitting but Harpeβs writing captivated me in such a way that I couldnβt put it down. I highly recommend this book for anyone who likes poetry thatβs inspiring and empowering. I look forward from reading more from this poet. Below is a link to When Pens Become Megaphones
text message from me to the person who inspired this poem
Maybe I was captious in thinking you wanted sex but you were really depressed and needed help I was moody and tired and couldnβt be bothered so I turned off my phone and wanted to be alone I thought it was no big deal to not get back on our idiot ferris wheel and now I hope itβs not too late and prioritizing myself wasnβt a mistake because I couldnβt stand the thought of you harming yourself be my fault
it was important for me to learn emotion regulation skills this year
My sense of urgency was lost When I finally felt like enough I no longer had a rush To jump to the next crush I no longer had a need to have a lover next to me I no longer wanted to be love addicted I finally learned To me I needed to return I finally had a new outlook And I started a new storybook I finally understood Itβs okay to live my truth And now my sense of urgency rarely appears After so many tears and months of therapy
ya no te- no soy tuya para- trato de encontrar las palabras adecuadas para decirte que nuestro cuento de amor a cabo pero cada vez que trato todo se siente insuficiente y la culpabilidad me cubre y no me atrevo a herirte