August is here and I hold onto the few slivers of hope left in me as I reach another rock bottom self correcting and not making myself a victim making sure Iβm better than yesterday Trying my best to control my emotions knowing that somewhere in the wash of this downward spiral will come the biggest silver lining
Iβm going to paint the sky with all of the colors of your love red, green, yellow, dark gray, midnight blue, and black every single color youβve brought to my life itβs will be the most epic mural who beauty will rival the taj mahal a mural decided to my own miracle of your love
Natureβs kiss is the sunshine on my face as I run- and itβs hug is the wind against my body as I fall into the rhythm of the song Iβm listening to- nature was part of Godβs remedy for the darkness and despair I tend to fall into
maybe I restarted the blog for a younger version of us out there in another state, another country who needs a roadmap, Understanding, knowledge, and wisdom in navigating a hard situation they never thought they had to face maybe I restarted the blog out of hope that some couple out there whoβs struggling can find something useful in my story, in my prose, and my poetry to get through their own hardship through the worst of it and make it to the other side, evolve and grow together in intimacy and find their own happy ending
my energy is a precious commodity i donβt give it to anybody my time and effort now has to be earned because of so many false starts and lessons learned Iβd rather embrace my solitude than once again Become Joe from βYOUβ because Iβm much to beautiful to fall for another insensitive fool
the intruder within me wonβt quit she remembers every wrong done to her and every mistake sheβs made and starts the game of how much self loathing i can take And I used to try to quell her with affirmations but lately I tell her-tell me more- And I listen and write out her words about every insecurity that still plagues me and she stops because itβs no longer fun so she leaves once sheβs acknowledged and once again I return to my inner peace
When I was a teen I was the girl guys hid They were embarrassed to be seen with me and now in my middle age men want to brag about fucking me even if it was that one time and while Iβm not ashamed of my sexuality I still hate this misogynist reality of how my body and my sexual intensity makes me fodder for menβs sexism maybe itβs toxic masculinity Or maybe men canβt see past my powerful sexual energy They need to remember Iβm also crazy and when they relegate me to a sexual object they become my subject for my salty poetry
these must be the new dark age of my life where I canβt find my lifeβs purpose, where I cry because I donβt think Iβll ever be loved where the sleeping pills in my drawers are tempting me to end my misery
Iβm a real monster when I canβt see past my anger I want to burn you down I want you to drown And at times I can control my impulsivity and revenge But sometimes my anger canβt be caged And I try to keep it in between the pages of my journal and notebooks but the resentment becomes too loud to let you off the hook So a passive aggressive status post happens with an intent to insult and offend I want you to feel my anger all the way revealed Maybe one day Iβll get much better not allowing my anger to turn me into a monster
Iβm not the one you want or the one youβll ever take home to meet your mama but Iβm the one etched in your mind, the one who appears in your dreams the one you will never forget about and one of your few regrets and you, you were another story among many another obsession of my past I hardly ever think about
I want to hold on to whatβs real and not be stuck in a daydream I want to live in my present And not stuck in my past I want to be over you and not be triggered by the memory of you
it wasnβt until today I realized how ordinary you really were It wasnβt that you were ever that interesting or special It was me with my lovergirl delusional glasses refusing to see past what was in front of me Seeing and getting caught up in fantasies of who you could be when really you were, the most ordinary of men not malicious, not especially intelligent not really helpful just kind of existing without any spark without anything that would make me look twice at you now
Pretty gets me in a man’s door but also makes me feel like a whore I’ve been pretty sexy, pretty nice, pretty sweet I’ve also been pretty crazy, pretty Petty, and pretty mean men love me when I’m pretty and submissive but not when I’m pretty reclusive men want the pretty girl who’s fun but not when I’m a pretty girl who’s a selfish cunt pretty gets me notice but also gets me dismissed
When I first started to watch the movie “The Breakup”, I was actually expecting the formulaic Romantic Comedy but it was actually a realistic movie about the demise of a relationship. I found myself relating to Brooke, one of the main characters in the movie more than I would have liked. At the beginning of the movie, we are shown this montage of how the relationship between Gary and Brooke starts and then develops so they are at a point where they move in together when they buy a luxurious condo. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie, we are shown what conflict goes on in their relationship. As Brooke is preparing for a dinner party for both their families, she asks Gary to do things to help her prepare for the guests, Gary is full of excuses and essentially treats her like a nag. Maybe this is my biased perspective coming from a place where Iβve been treated as such.
What is first seen here is a breakup in communication where Gary is dismissive of Brookeβs needs at that moment. I think that a lot of women I know can testify what that feels like but most of us have been conditioned to excuse that kind of behavior. Anyways, at the dinner party, Brooke and Gary act like a normal couple. Also, what can be observed from Brooke and Garyβs families is that they both come from different social classes. We can speculate that this is maybe why their relationship didnβt work but I think it is just one factor. After their families leave, a fight ensues between Brooke and Gary over a simple domestic task, washing the dishes. Brooke wants Gary to help with this task and Gary grumbles about it and when he finally says heβll do, he has a bad attitude about it. Brooke doesnβt want his help and this resonates with me and Iβm sure it does with other women ,she tells Gary, βI want you to want to do the dishes.” That line implicates both control and hopeful expectations for her partner.
A lot of women I know (myself included) wants a partner that takes initiative in helping us and showing their appreciation for us. We feel like we shouldnβt have to remind them, they should just want to do it. If they claim to care about us and love us, why is it so damn hard for them to show it? I think the issue could lie in the cliche that we as women tend to expect βusβ and how we would act from our partners. In society, women are conditioned and taught to be nurturers and to show our love and appreciation for our partners. We are also taught to believe that we have to fit into certain categories of societal expectations in order to feel like we are enough and worthy to feel loved. Men, on the other hand, well, they are just taught that they are good enough as they are for their potential partners. Also, society has conditioned men that in order for them to be βreal menβ, they shouldnβt show their emotions.
Gary and Brooke
As women, we are conditioned to believe that we will thrive and be a whole person in society if we become wives and mothers. This belief makes a lot of women settle for less than they deserve and tolerate way more than they should in a relationship. As humans we are conditioned that life is incomplete without a partner and the worst thing that can happen to us is a life of solitude.
Even though Brooke breaks up with Gary, she later reveals that she does this in hopes that he will learn his lesson and change to become a better partner. She doesnβt actually want to break up with him. She goes so far as to bring the guys she dates to the condo theyβre currently sharing so heβll get jealous. This follows the belief of why many women stay in a relationship; because if they stick around long enough and do the hard work, their partner will change to become the partner they want them to be. It follows the belief that we as women can mold men with enough time and patience to become that partner. This infantilizes men in a way. Itβs a belief in which we are treating men like another one of our children that needs to be molded. Brooke βpunishesβ Gary like a child by breaking up with him in hopes heβll change into the partner she wants him to be.
Gary finally starts to take Brooke seriously towards the end of the movie. By that time, it is too late and sheβs already emotionally detached from him. There is a cliche saying βby the time the guy starts to care, itβs too late and the girl no longer cares . Iβve seen this happen many times in real life. In my own perspective, I tried everything to save my marriage with my husband and even though he tried, it was never enough in my eyes. His dismal effort kept making me feel less than, worthless even. By the time he finally saw that he was going to lose me; it was too late and I had emotionally detached myself from the relationship. Just like Brooke, I had time and time again invested so much of myself, changed so much of myself to try to salvage our relationship while he put in the most minimal effort. I canβt pinpoint the exact moment when I knew that no matter how hard he or I tried, our marriage couldnβt be saved.
At the end of the movie after Brooke leaves the apartment, she runs into Gary a few months later and they catch up in a cordial manner and glance back smiling at each other and one could say perhaps both of them got the closure they needed. Of course, in real life, me and my husband canβt afford to separate and divorced and have to continue to live together but through a mutual understanding we live together as roommates and co-parents. We actually do this successfully and almost painlessly. Heβll even give me life advice from time to time if Iβm going through something rough. I think that once we both accepted that we were no longer compatible as romantic partners, our relationship as friends got stronger since we felt free to really be our authentic selves with each other.
hold onto hope, donβt let go one day youβll laugh about this one day youβll be okay hold onto hope, donβt let go Remember all of the times youβve been strong Remember all of the times you put one foot in front of the other hold onto hope, donβt let go your story is still being written youβre still in time to change your narrative