Among many crashouts and panic attacks all month, I almost lost hope. However, I didn’t fall off the deep end because I’m too stubborn to give up. I got my sign from the universe today .and it might seem silly but I’ll take it. It was the first time I’ve heard another conan gray song on the radio other than “people watching”
poetry: beneath the fog
I wrote this poem in October of 2024.

beneath the fog, I almost crashed my car
I wasnβt drunk, just under the influence of seroquel
and crazy from the euphoria
just experienced in the arms of my ex lover
Beneath the fog, I almost crashed my car
but I used all of my DBT skills to calm down
and manage to park my car at a gas station
To gain my composure
and suddenly Kid LAROI is blasting
from some zoomerβs truck
with a message for me from the universe
that Iβd be alright despite
lifeβs almost disasters
and that the sexual creature Iβve held with
for most than two years
is alive and well
and ready to make up for lost time
poetry: Conan Fucking Gray
I wrote this poem in October of 2024.

that luminescent feeling in my heart
I glow from the inside out
about to burst from joy and excitement
a poet on stage singing songs
about heartbreak and finding love
itβs Conan Fucking Gray
itβs the happiest day of my life
I found hope once again
poetry: a snap 3 years later
I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

saw you and knew right away there wouldnβt be a second date
thought I made that apparent enough at the end
but 3 years later you send me a snap to ask me
if Iβm still interested
Sorry
but the woman you met is no longer who I used to be
maybe you had a chance with her
but the new me-sheβs careful who she gives access to
the new me has cut off any strings left
from the old life the old me use to live
Conan Gray
What was the last live performance you saw?
Napowrimo day 28


Napowrimo day 26


Napowrimo day 21


poesΓa: El Cielo
aquΓ esta en enlace para la version en Ingles:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/?p=12061
el cielo se cayΓ³ sobre mΓ aquella noche
cuando me destruiste con una llamada
y por muchas semanas llore
echada sobre el piso
hasta quedarme dormida
por muchas semanas deseaba desaparecer
en un abismo del olvido
y 10 aΓ±os despues todavia pienso
en aquella maΓ±ana fatal donde perdΓ
la poca inocencia que todavΓa tenΓa
poetry: ocean
poetry: toxic story
I wrote this poem in February of 2024.

Triggered trauma brings in a spiral of toxic guilt and shame
even if logically I know itβs not my fault
and I was just standing up for myself
Iβm still recovering from being a nice girl
Iβm still recovering from saying please and thank you
when toxicity was served on a platter of love
Iβm still recovering from compromising
my values and my true self
for the comfort of others so theyβd stay
Iβm still recovering from the most toxic
story I ever told myself when it came
to measuring my worth by how
others judged and perceived me
poetry: But you Really hAd some auDacity
this poem is inspired by the 2006 “acknowledgement”.

a wolf in sheepβs clothing got to me
he pretended to be my friend
with endless compliments and fake empathy
Until one day I found out who he really was
a liar ,a psychopath
and I called him out and blocked him
from my universe when he said he didnβt do no wrong
when he said, he just liked his βprivacyβ
and offered no apologies after a decade long lie
which added to my trust issues
but at least it opened my eyes
enough to kick him out of my life
and while I still make poetry out of him
(he gave me too much material to ignore)
Iβm grateful heβs out of my life
life is too short for entitled Brads, Chads,and Kens
who think that just because of their privilege
they can get away with ANYTHING
poetry: untitled
this poem is inspired by the 2006 poem, “poem for a couple I never knew”

many took bets on how long theyβd last
between the age gap, the difference in cultures
they didnβt stand a chance
yet, they kind of made it work for more than a decade
yet, they still raised three fine young men for almost 20 years
and while their incompatibility caught up to them
and they had to end their love story
they rebuilt it on the foundation
of the love they once shared
and in the best interest of their children
and evolved into a healthy story of friendship
where any resentment and anger has been buried
and there are no hard feelings over past grievances
where they support one another
and are finally the parents their children
always deserved
poesΓa: mi cliente favorito
aquΓ esta la version en Ingles:
poetry: my favorite customer
era otra noche aburrida en el trabajo
estaba atrapada en la isla diez
entre alma naciendo productos
y mis pensamientos intrusivos
una canciΓ³n de los 90s suena de la altavoz
y cuando voy a cantar
escucho pasos detrΓ‘s de mΓ
me volteo y Γ©l estΓ‘ allΓ
mi cliente favorito, 5β10, cabello negro y crespo
labios carnosos y rojos, y un cuerpo hecho
por un dios griego
estaba mirando las ollas y sartenes
me volteΓ³ al revΓ©s para que el no me vea
y mientras amanecΓa los tupperware
le echaba miradas furtivas
esperaba que Γ©l no se darΓa cuenta
de mi porque estaba hecha toda
un desmadre para coquetear
y mi corazoncito muerto resucitΓ³
y empezΓ³ a volar mi imaginaciΓ³n
con fantasΓas de nuestro primer beso
y justo alli
el se me acercΓ³ y pensΓ©, βhay dios mioβ
claro que me pregunto por una olla
que no teniamos
le dije que βnoβ y me disculpe
el me contesto βno paso nadaβ
con su voz quebrada
y rapido se fue
y me pregunte, βestoy alucinando
pero se me hace que el tambiΓ©n esta atraido a miβ


