I know everything will be alright

Among many crashouts and panic attacks all month,  I almost lost hope. However,  I didn’t fall off the deep end because I’m too stubborn to give up. I got my sign from the universe today .and it might seem silly but I’ll take it. It was the first time I’ve heard another conan gray song on the radio other than “people watching”

Vodka Cranberry came on and I scared my son while he was driving πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

poetry: beneath the fog

I wrote this poem in October of 2024.

Cause it’s too little , way too late πŸ˜” -Laufey

beneath the fog, I almost crashed my car
I wasn’t drunk, just under the influence of seroquel
and crazy from the euphoria
just experienced in the arms of my ex lover
Beneath the fog, I almost crashed my car
but I used all of my DBT skills to calm down
and manage to park my car at a gas station
To gain my composure
and suddenly Kid LAROI is blasting
from some zoomer’s truck
with a message for me from the universe
that I’d be alright despite
life’s almost disasters
and that the sexual creature I’ve held with
for most than two years
is alive and well
and ready to make up for lost time

poetry: Conan Fucking Gray

I wrote this poem in October of 2024.

Conan Fucking Gray

that luminescent feeling in my heart
I glow from the inside out
about to burst from joy and excitement
a poet on stage singing songs
about heartbreak and finding love
it’s Conan Fucking Gray
it’s the happiest day of my life
I found hope once again

poetry: a snap 3 years later

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

remembering how I posted this snap so the muse of this poem would see it-lol

saw you and knew right away there wouldn’t be a second date
thought I made that apparent enough at the end
but 3 years later you send me a snap to ask me
if I’m still interested
Sorry
but the woman you met is no longer who I used to be
maybe you had a chance with her
but the new me-she’s careful who she gives access to
the new me has cut off any strings left
from the old life the old me use to live

poesΓ­a: El Cielo

aquΓ­ esta en enlace para la version en Ingles:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/?p=12061

el cielo se cayΓ³ sobre mΓ­ aquella noche
cuando me destruiste con una llamada
y por muchas semanas llore
echada sobre el piso
hasta quedarme dormida
por muchas semanas deseaba desaparecer
en un abismo del olvido
y 10 aΓ±os despues todavia pienso
en aquella maΓ±ana fatal donde perdΓ­
la poca inocencia que todavΓ­a tenΓ­a

poetry: toxic story

I wrote this poem in February of 2024.

Triggered trauma brings in a spiral of toxic guilt and shame
even if logically I know it’s not my fault
and I was just standing up for myself
I’m still recovering from being a nice girl
I’m still recovering from saying please and thank you
when toxicity was served on a platter of love
I’m still recovering from compromising
my values and my true self
for the comfort of others so they’d stay
I’m still recovering from the most toxic
story I ever told myself when it came
to measuring my worth by how
others judged and perceived me

poetry: But you Really hAd some auDacity

this poem is inspired by the 2006 “acknowledgement”.

should have said sorry, bruh

a wolf in sheep’s clothing got to me
he pretended to be my friend
with endless compliments and fake empathy
Until one day I found out who he really was
a liar ,a psychopath
and I called him out and blocked him
from my universe when he said he didn’t do no wrong
when he said, he just liked his β€œprivacy”
and offered no apologies after a decade long lie
which added to my trust issues
but at least it opened my eyes
enough to kick him out of my life
and while I still make poetry out of him
(he gave me too much material to ignore)
I’m grateful he’s out of my life
life is too short for entitled Brads, Chads,and Kens
who think that just because of their privilege
they can get away with ANYTHING

poetry: untitled

this poem is inspired by the 2006 poem, “poem for a couple I never knew”

the kind of energy we brought together

many took bets on how long they’d last
between the age gap, the difference in cultures
they didn’t stand a chance
yet, they kind of made it work for more than a decade
yet, they still raised three fine young men for almost 20 years
and while their incompatibility caught up to them
and they had to end their love story
they rebuilt it on the foundation
of the love they once shared
and in the best interest of their children
and evolved into a healthy story of friendship
where any resentment and anger has been buried
and there are no hard feelings over past grievances
where they support one another
and are finally the parents their children
always deserved

poesΓ­a: mi cliente favorito

aquΓ­ esta la version en Ingles:

poetry: my favorite customer

era otra noche aburrida en el trabajo
estaba atrapada en la isla diez
entre alma naciendo productos
y mis pensamientos intrusivos
una canciΓ³n de los 90s suena de la altavoz
y cuando voy a cantar
escucho pasos detrΓ‘s de mΓ­
me volteo y Γ©l estΓ‘ allΓ­
mi cliente favorito, 5’10, cabello negro y crespo
labios carnosos y rojos, y un cuerpo hecho
por un dios griego
estaba mirando las ollas y sartenes
me volteΓ³ al revΓ©s para que el no me vea
y mientras amanecΓ­a los tupperware
le echaba miradas furtivas
esperaba que Γ©l no se darΓ­a cuenta
de mi porque estaba hecha toda
un desmadre para coquetear
y mi corazoncito muerto resucitΓ³
y empezΓ³ a volar mi imaginaciΓ³n
con fantasΓ­as de nuestro primer beso
y justo alli
el se me acercΓ³ y pensΓ©, β€œhay dios mio”
claro que me pregunto por una olla
que no teniamos
le dije que β€œno” y me disculpe
el me contesto β€œno paso nada”
con su voz quebrada
y rapido se fue
y me pregunte, β€œestoy alucinando
pero se me hace que el tambiΓ©n esta atraido a mi”

poetry: who am i?

I wrote this poem in February of 2024.

me at 13

love ties me up and binds with a rope of shame
slowly I fade away until I’m nothing
I don’t recognize who I am
Friends tell me I’ve changed
I tell them they’re crazy
messages appear in dreams
I’m living a fake life
who am i? who am i? who am i?