I wrote this poem in late 2005 when I was going to school full time, working part time and raising two kids.
Trapped in a maze
Not knowing where to go
Gotta get out of this place
Before becoming conformity’s whore
A maze with traps
Like kids and responsibilities
It’s all getting too suffocating
And I can’t breathe
I wrote this in 2006 thinking back on my time with Lucas.
A shadow of our friendship
is all there is left
After life gets in the way
of wanting something more
And when I see you around
A wave, a nod
An acknowledgement we once knew
Each other
Our conversations are now long gone
But we’re forever etched in each
other’s minds and dreams
I wrote this poem in late 2005 thinking back on how I felt about my second pregnancy when I found out. It wasn’t an ideal situation at all because I was still in college and my relationship with my husband was on the rocks.
This can’t be
happening to me!
but rarely does it ever lie,
that second pink line
Just when I was on right track
Again I am burdened for lying on my back
What will I do?
Who will I turn to?
How do I tell them?
Once again I am their biggest disappointment
To just sit here and cry
is just a waste of precious time
I have no choice
I have to get away from this awful noise
This will become my personal hell
Because of another persuasive male
I wrote this about my husband in 2006 when I thought he was being distant.
You didn’t think that I wouldn’t notice
That you have stopped caring for me
That when I reach to touch you
There is no response
How could something that started so beautiful
And intense end up so bland and empty
We’re together
But worlds apart
You no longer share
Your worries, your dreams
Everything that we once were
Has been shredded to pieces
But both of us deny it
You won’t tell me what’s wrong
Our silences are starting to be dreadfully long
Why can’t you just tell me
The whats, whys, and whens
Of falling out of love with me
And get our breakup over with.
I wrote this poem in 2004 when I was depressed because I felt my husband pulling away from me.
I think sometimes
It is better to die
Than to live this big lie
We like to call life
I think sometimes
It is better to escape
Then face
Such an unfair fate
I think sometimes
It is better to have the earth eat you up
Than to have to hurt so much
Over treacherous love
I wrote this poem in 2004 about my husband, then boyfriend. I guess I was mad about his lack of affection. As you can see, this is a pattern for me. I bottle my emotions up until one day I explode.
If you don’t want any of this
You should just leave
I can’t take anymore
Of your uncaring words
I don’t want to keep you from
Having your fun
So just go away
You only hurt me if you stay
Go back to the way you used to be
Alone, happy, and free
And take your precious independence
You prefer it to our relationship nonsense
So stop acting like you care
To us, it wouldn’t be fair
Adieu, adios, and goodbye
To our enormous love lie
From the ages of 18 to 23, I worked for a government agency as an interpreter. I was well-liked by many of my coworkers and my first supervisor was appreciative of me. I was very good at my job and even cross-trained in many other areas that didn’t “pertain to my job”. However, at that job, I was also bullied and discriminated against for being Latina. I was also slut-shamed by my second supervisor and coworkers the latter 2 years I was there. I don’t want to say I deserved being slut-shamed but I’ll just say that I trusted the wrong coworkers with my private life and they went on to gossip about me to everyone. It was also a very stressful environment because of the work I did and clients I had to interact with. My depression and anxiety went haywire. In 2003, I decided to enroll in my local community college and major in English. In 2004, I was trying to go to school full time, work full time, and deal with my child’s new autism diagnosis. I was breaking down mentally and something had to give so I quit this job. I was fucking done. And this poem was inspired by that moment. I thought I had processed this trauma until it came back up in therapy in the summer of 2021. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had suffered a deep racial trauma that impacted me and still triggered reactions in me. I was angry. There is actually way more to this story and one day I’ll share it when I’m ready.
This was the hardest thing I did
but it had to be done
I couldn’t stand the gossip
or the two faces of everyone
the way they pretended to be my friend
but the minute I turned my back to them
they talked like I was the biggest wench
so much envy and hate
I HAVE TO ESCAPE
FROM THIS MISERABLE FATE!
so today I resigned
I didn’t tell them why
all I know is that for the first time
in a really long time
I feel something like happy
so long to the only place I have known
for an almost five year term
for once I breathe a sigh of relief
I finally had the courage to leave
so long to the hypocrisy of this place
to let myself stay here for another day
would only be a fucking waste
I wrote this in 2004 inspired by a rough family situation I was going through at the time. I needed to process what was happening in some way because I couldn’t confront the person. And well, I wrote this narrative poem.
Poor and destitute
in front of me she stood
asking for shelter and food
with tears streaming down her cheek
she kept on repeating
“let me stay with you tonight,
I promise, one day I’ll make things right”
I didn’t know what to do
for a while I just stood
trying to decide
if what I was about to do was right
so with pain in my heart
I had to say
“please go away”
she tried to resist
by giving me a guilt trip
and I told her once again
“please go away”
she still wouldn’t listen
and made me listen to her reasons
this time I lost control
and yelled at her to
“PLEASE GO AWAY
IF YOU DON’T WANT ME
TO GO CRAZY”
this time she listened to me
maybe she does care for me
it hurt to turn her away
but I couldn’t be swayed
to feel sorry for her
and allow her
to ruin my world
so in the end
this was the dreadful when
I would have to decide
between saving her or me
I wrote this in February of 2004 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas.
I sit here at what once was our “spot”
and contemplate our last conversation
And I think over and over again how that last phrase got to
“Me and my wife had a long talk-and we decided to work things out”
I know I should have been happy but I was sad
I know I should’ve smiled but instead I cried
Of course I hid this very well from you
And the few words I could muster up was
“Well that’s good, I’m happy for you”
And I wonder why when I should’ve been happy for you, my friend
But I was sad for me
I sit down and wonder why
I always end up with the same lost guy
Who doesn’t know what he wants and hurts me tons
Who uses me just as an escape
to get away from his mate
Who never wants to tell me I love you
and thinks of me as anything but the one
who never cares after our tragic love affair fails
I wrote this shortly in February of 2004 shortly after my car accident. I was feeling so much depression and anxiety because of it.
I feel so lost
without sense of direction
So many feelings of frustration
over my life’s woes
Feelings of rejection
by the ones who once loved me
Feelings of anger
for never doing anything right
Where can I find the shining light
that I desperately seek?
Life on the BPD 