valentine’s day is around the corner so we’re bombarded by teddy bears,balloons, greetings with corny shit like “for my wife, the love of my life” and flowers, the fucking flowers there are even journals for couples to fill out in hope of getting closer- I still can’t figure that one out and stupid heart shaped everything, from cookie cutters to pillows and flowers, the fucking flowers and most of us eat it all up thinking if our partner doesn’t buy us anything or doesn’t meet our romantic expectations on the most materialistic of holidays, then they must not really love us- never occurring to us how this business of love preys on us and our fear of being lonely it capitalizes and profits from it sending us messages that we need to buy this or that (get the flowers, the fucking flowers) to show our love it’s a trap that followed us since our school days maybe it’s time to riot and burn down anything related to this dreadful holiday especially the fucking flowers or maybe I’m just a crazy and jaded bitch alone on valentine’s day
If only I could bypass the trauma lived and experienced my life would be a lot easier Perhaps I’d be fulfilled and not on this neverending heroine journey to acknowledge how trauma happened to me to understand how it changed me to tells the stories from it so I can begin to heal from it to do all of the work so I don’t pass it on to my sons and their children because this legacy of intergenerational silence with violence needs to stop with me even if it’s sometimes a painful nightmare to deal with
I love you like the alcoholic loves alcohol I can’t live without you And have a deep never ending desire for you when the sun rises you’re my first thought and before I fall asleep, you’re my last thought I don’t know if you’ll ever reciprocate but for now I’m content with seeing you almost Daily-admiring you from afar
I look to the cards for reassurance things will turn out alright that I am doing all of the important things to light the flame to a bright future that my past is now behind me and I will no longer be chained to it that I’ll fully live in my present
I’m healing and unraveling at the same time I’m unraveling the parts of me that no longer fit in my new narrative I’m unraveling the ugliness, my vengeful spirit full of spite and jealousy talking to it, deconstructing it cause to live with so much anger and resentment in my heart is draining and leaves no room for lovely and hopeful beginnings
the world wide web has been an important part of my life story without it, there wouldn’t have been AOL chat rooms without AOL chat rooms, I wouldn’t have met the man who would drastically change my life path at 16 to become a mom at 17
I’m so fucking triggered-I can’t see past my tears when the fuck does this healing journey end Because this constant confrontation with trauma leaves me drained and constantly causes chaos and devastation within me
life is smiling on me once again after a rough start to the new year- I find myself almost open to new love and everything’s inspiring me and my King Joe is back on the screen and now I got more money on the horizon I’m feeling this state of euphoria by celebrating each blessing and looking forward to new and exciting things new creative endeavors, another trip to my homeland and maybe even a new muse It’s February and I feel myself glowing and growing
calling it a phobia of dating/relationships could be over dramatic but idk…it feels like that sometimes. It used to be so easy for me to just go from relationship to the next (sometimes without even ending the next relationship) until one day there was this final straw and I found myself with a shit ton of mental health issues and trauma I needed to address and heal from. If I had to be honest with myself at this point in my life, I don’t blame my past partners for this. I think that from my teenage years on, I’ve been following this pattern of falling into these unhealthy relationships and patterns. I realized this a few years ago after my diagnosis of BPD. I know I needed to do something so I just stopped dating or making myself available to anyone for romantic/sexual interest. It was hard and I always put these arbitrary deadlines on myself of when I would start again like, “oh after I beat my driving phobia” or “oh after I finish this round of therapy “or “oh, after I’m divorced” and those deadlines came and went and it just never happened. Every time I think about going on a first date with someone and that person would ask me something inconsequential like “what’s your favorite color?” I see myself going to the bathroom and throwing up and coming back with an excuse of how something came up with my kids (it”s great to have kids in this instance-they make very good excuses) and leaving the date. Until a few months ago, this used to make me sad and made me feel like a freak. But, lately, I’ve accepted that this is who I am now. With the level of awareness I have about myself now, I know what I need to be in control of my life, my autonomy, and my mental health and my Aquarius in Venus mind tells me that relationships seem to be make me lose control of all of those aspects.
How it feels like to lose control
Also, for the past few years, I’ve made sure to make my life full of everything I need to not feel like I need someone to fill some kind of void or space in my life. There’s basically no space or void like that now. My boys, my friends, my art, work, and my hobbies fill that space.
what would it take me to get me to date? Yung Gravy, Joji, or Jack Harlow sliding into my DMs. Lol. In all seriousness, I don’t know. I think I want to just enjoy my life as it is now . I will say that if somehow the stars do align and someone appears in my universe that strikes my fancy, then I wouldn’t be completely closed off to it.
Let’s goooo universe!!!
Too wild
On days like today, I feel too wild, too untamed to be loved, to be handled by anyone I feel like too much and I won’t find anyone who’s enough and I wonder if I’ll really be alone forever because right now that’s what my future looks like and it’s not me trying to diss any potential love candidates it’s me acknowledging how much of an earthquake, a hurricane, a tsunami I can be and even though I’ve done the work to tame my inner demons It still feels like there is still so much work left to do before I feel confident enough to invite anyone else into my chaos
3/9/23
Copy and paste
Copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste Partners, unhealthy love patterns, delusions of love it happens over and over again And I try my best to change this narrative and sometimes it seems to work but most of the time it was me denying what’s in front of me A man who treats me like his inferior Allowing him to step on my boundaries trying to keep myself small enough so he doesn’t leave and I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened to me And I’m fucking tired of it So I put a pause on love for a while Until I can figure out how to produce healthy love energy And ensure I don’t settle again for anyone who treats me less than the majestic and magical queen that I am
I’m proudest of the woman I became on Sept 8, 2023-my liberation day
I reflect a lot on who I was, who I am, and who I will be- and I’ve reach the conclusion that I’m proud of all three versions of me Constantly fighting my demons no matter how viciously they came after me Constantly reinventing and rebuilding myself even when the chaotic earthquakes of life broke me apart I reflect on the goddess, the beast in me who always refuses to give up who continues to get and keep going no matter how hard life tries to break me down
Life on the BPD 