winter comes with the iciest winds and everything inside me freezes and I fawn is this what they call seasonal depression yet it’s much more than that it’s a “what’s the point” status it’s a “I’m looking forward for this day to be over as soon as I wake up”- my bed becomes my church, my family, my community where I find comfort in not thinking, in ignoring the noise of the world winter comes with the iciest winds and it’s hard to function but yet I do and I feel like a fictional character playing my part in a society fueled by greed and capitalism
They’re typically blond and white and think they’re entitled to every fucking thing they always want to speak to the manager their names sound like Karen and Susan they’ll pretend to have loads of empathy when what they really have is tons of judgment they’ll hide behind a pseudo wokeness when underneath they’re racist as fuck they complain about the unfairness of their lives when their lives are the definition of privilege and luxury they’ll shove their higher education in your face when their ignorance shows in their actions they supposedly live, laugh, and love when they really hate, judge, and shame their names sound like karen and Susan
I wrote this in January of 2022. I was mad about everything. Lol.
Them haters are just projecting their insecurities
Judgment feels like harsh criticism dressed up in “good intentions” “you have a college degree, you should be doing better” or “I’ll respect you when you drive”-thank you for the support sister Ignorance taste like harsh criticism dressed up “in good intentions” “I’m saying this out of love, you should be like other latinos and work and don’t go to college” -thanks for the encouragement coworker Judgment feels like impossible standards I can never measure up to it’s an ocean of emotional abuse dressed up as “good intentions” by calling out my insecurities and pointing out how I’m not enough
In 2025, I will be braver than ever I will embody the word empowerment while embracing softness and vulnerability I will love and allow myself to be loved life is really too short to allow my ego and pride to get in the way of whatever love story the universe wants to send me
me on New Year’s Eve manifesting a year of calm and peace
Another new year, and there are no resolutions Another new year and no better or new me Another new year, and I’ll keep my expectations low With a cautious dose of faith and hope I want a year full of peace and calm Where love for myself continues to be enough Writing, running, and working fill up my time Another new year and loneliness is not eating me up and freedom feels like solitude and this vacation from dating feels heavenly and music and books are all of the pleasure I need Another new year, and I just want to continue this journey of healing from the past and self-discovery It’s another new year, and for once, I have everything I want in life
I want to find my way to forgiveness instead I’m covered in hate I want to find my way to kindness instead of being stuck in this cage of anger and rage I want true radical acceptance instead of being a victim to my black and white thinking I want to be full of Zen Instead of being full of insecurity I want a stable sense of identity instead of this constant confusion about who I am I want to write about happiness and joy instead of filling up my pages with petty pouts
the more I disconnected from motherhood and compartmentalize my life the more damage I did to myself and others taking accountability and bonding with my children is necessary for healing
ceo assassin come find me, I bet you’re a crazy communist who can match my bpd and bipolar energy you leave me breathless with an insatiable sexual hunger to make magic between my sheets ceo assassin come find me, let’s run away together from this capitalistic bullshit society and form our own version of utopia one where universal healthcare is a real thing, one where no one has to work 60 hour weeks to make ends meet, one where we are working to live and not living to work ceo assassin come find me, I don’t care that you’re on the most wanted list, I don’t care that they call you a murderous psychopath all I can see in front of me is divine masculinity and bravery who’s fucking tired of the trickle down economics false narrative this consumerist society conditions us to believe and i, more than other people understand you perfectly I can’t recall how many times I, too have found myself in a murderous rage wanting to turn to violence to make my working class anger heard and seen to send a message to the haves and the heathers, karens, chads, and brads of the world fuck you and your vacations, your teslas, and your brand name clothing while the rest of us have to settle for crumbs of the American Dream ceo assassin come find me, between your anger and mine combined, it could be the match that ignites an entire revolution not just against those who deny our insurance claims but also going against the 1 percent who deny us the freedom to just exist without worrying about how to make it in this consumeristic society and parasitic world without going crazy
not sure when a new muse will appear I just gave up on my most recent one I can take a hint he’s not interested he’s scared because I’m too crazy and will fuck up his life and maybe he’s right maybe I’m not healed enough, not intelligent enough maybe for him I’m just not enough and this doesn’t make me angry I’m in the acceptance phase I’ll no longer bother him I’ll just let him be I’ll just wait for a new muse to appear out of nowhere from my dreams into my real life my manifestation game is strong though sometimes my aim is off
Sometimes I miss our rollercoaster of toxicity even when you came back to me sober you still managed to emotionally dysregulate me and destroy me and while I’ve tried to find a replacement for you no one holds a candle to you no one brings me the level of excitement you once did everyone feels meh and blah compared to you, everyone is mediocre
Like shipwrecks in a cavern, somehow we came together putting bandaids of lust to sooth and cover our loneliness causing chaos and rejecting each other only to always come back to each other and it was entertaining for a while until we both realized it was a waste of time and energy and fled to different caverns
I called you my mr.wrong for a long time and hated myself for loving you- I knew we weren’t heading anywhere- you were the complete opposite of me but connection and chemistry kept me returning to you Even though I knew one day we’d end and one day came when we both got sick of our constant toxicity and shut down our whatevership And while I know it was for the best and we never wanted the same things- last night I dreamed of you coming to my house and sneaking into my bed And I wonder if part of my subconscious still misses you
magneto y locomía sale de la tele mi tío me llamaba su condesita y mi tía me llamaba linda y me río porque últimamente me siento como una extraña en mi cuerpo y mami y sus hermanas me dicen que me estoy volviendo una señorita pero lo único que veo es un monstruo fea y gorda en el espejo y quisiera ser delgadita y fina como mis primas pero por lo menos mi tío y mi tía no me miran así me miran como un tesoro bello y valioso
I met him outside on a hot July night he was everything I was not looking for but it was a devastatingly short fall and then I was lost in him and everything I wanted him to be It wasn’t fair to him or I expectations that were sky high with him I wanted everything but he wasn’t ready to be my love king Perhaps he was just a preview for a future love dream come true
Life on the BPD 