I’m disappointed once again -being here with you You represent everything I thought I wanted But- You don’t compare to him You make my body sing with pleasure but don’t sweep up the mess that I am You are there to help me escape but never to rescue me SO I choose him Who chooses to be there for me When I chase death in a bathtub or a bottle Because while sex and lust feels good when it’s happening It doesn’t compare to the love and support he’s provided in keeping me alive So I say goodbye to a life Full of lust filled fantasies and accept the one and only who truly cares for me
this poem has to be one of the most unhinged things I’ve ever written
My past called to me and I made the mistake of answering it and looked for the former main characters in my life Stalked them on google and social media and most of them didn’t want to be found perhaps they did the right thing in wanting to live their lives in peace without their ghosts haunting them but two of the ones who had the great impact on me both of them are happily married one of them has a son my youngest son’s age I’m glad he grew out of his peter pan syndrome and the other is about to finally become a dad at 43 his lifelong dream come true after waiting for so long I’m trying to be happy for him and with all that I’m ready to really close that chapter On my past because while I was distracted from my grief And highly entertained by my theatrics and my shitty choices in men when I was in my twenties Its time to stop this business of reminiscing of what was and what could have been Its time to accept what is and what could be and focus on making my own lifelong dreams come true And be open to my invisible string out there somewhere waiting for me
I wrote this in January of 2022 when I was depressed.
honestly
I welcome death to take me away tonight- death must be better than the anger that has made an eternal home in me death must feel better than this emptiness that lies in my heart death has to be better than this sorrow that floods my pillow with tears continuously death would be better than my emotions that threaten to consume me
grief found me on a sunday night in the shower and cried all of the tears I had been bottling up since my uncle’s passing lately it feels like life is running through my hands and there’s not enough time to do everything I want there’s not enough time to make an impact, an imprint on this earth lately I feel like a footnote just existing on the edge of life, of love
under a tequila sunrise in L.A,he breaks apart once again she committed the ultimate act of treason against him and he couldn’t forgive her again this time he couldn’t put a bandaid of his love to make it all better this time he had a son to think about this time his family would disown him if he stayed with her so he packed up her stuff, put the boxes and suitcases of her belongings outside changed the locks and filed for divorce even as he broke inside, he held all of his emotions in and even though he considered her the grand love of his life he had to cut all ties with her this time she hadn’t just broken law of not just decency and morality with her actions this time her horrid actions made her beyond redemption this time she had gone too far
winter comes with the iciest winds and everything inside me freezes and I fawn is this what they call seasonal depression yet it’s much more than that it’s a “what’s the point” status it’s a “I’m looking forward for this day to be over as soon as I wake up”- my bed becomes my church, my family, my community where I find comfort in not thinking, in ignoring the noise of the world winter comes with the iciest winds and it’s hard to function but yet I do and I feel like a fictional character playing my part in a society fueled by greed and capitalism
They’re typically blond and white and think they’re entitled to every fucking thing they always want to speak to the manager their names sound like Karen and Susan they’ll pretend to have loads of empathy when what they really have is tons of judgment they’ll hide behind a pseudo wokeness when underneath they’re racist as fuck they complain about the unfairness of their lives when their lives are the definition of privilege and luxury they’ll shove their higher education in your face when their ignorance shows in their actions they supposedly live, laugh, and love when they really hate, judge, and shame their names sound like karen and Susan
I wrote this in January of 2022. I was mad about everything. Lol.
Them haters are just projecting their insecurities
Judgment feels like harsh criticism dressed up in “good intentions” “you have a college degree, you should be doing better” or “I’ll respect you when you drive”-thank you for the support sister Ignorance taste like harsh criticism dressed up “in good intentions” “I’m saying this out of love, you should be like other latinos and work and don’t go to college” -thanks for the encouragement coworker Judgment feels like impossible standards I can never measure up to it’s an ocean of emotional abuse dressed up as “good intentions” by calling out my insecurities and pointing out how I’m not enough
In 2025, I will be braver than ever I will embody the word empowerment while embracing softness and vulnerability I will love and allow myself to be loved life is really too short to allow my ego and pride to get in the way of whatever love story the universe wants to send me
me on New Year’s Eve manifesting a year of calm and peace
Another new year, and there are no resolutions Another new year and no better or new me Another new year, and I’ll keep my expectations low With a cautious dose of faith and hope I want a year full of peace and calm Where love for myself continues to be enough Writing, running, and working fill up my time Another new year and loneliness is not eating me up and freedom feels like solitude and this vacation from dating feels heavenly and music and books are all of the pleasure I need Another new year, and I just want to continue this journey of healing from the past and self-discovery It’s another new year, and for once, I have everything I want in life
I want to find my way to forgiveness instead I’m covered in hate I want to find my way to kindness instead of being stuck in this cage of anger and rage I want true radical acceptance instead of being a victim to my black and white thinking I want to be full of Zen Instead of being full of insecurity I want a stable sense of identity instead of this constant confusion about who I am I want to write about happiness and joy instead of filling up my pages with petty pouts
the more I disconnected from motherhood and compartmentalize my life the more damage I did to myself and others taking accountability and bonding with my children is necessary for healing
ceo assassin come find me, I bet you’re a crazy communist who can match my bpd and bipolar energy you leave me breathless with an insatiable sexual hunger to make magic between my sheets ceo assassin come find me, let’s run away together from this capitalistic bullshit society and form our own version of utopia one where universal healthcare is a real thing, one where no one has to work 60 hour weeks to make ends meet, one where we are working to live and not living to work ceo assassin come find me, I don’t care that you’re on the most wanted list, I don’t care that they call you a murderous psychopath all I can see in front of me is divine masculinity and bravery who’s fucking tired of the trickle down economics false narrative this consumerist society conditions us to believe and i, more than other people understand you perfectly I can’t recall how many times I, too have found myself in a murderous rage wanting to turn to violence to make my working class anger heard and seen to send a message to the haves and the heathers, karens, chads, and brads of the world fuck you and your vacations, your teslas, and your brand name clothing while the rest of us have to settle for crumbs of the American Dream ceo assassin come find me, between your anger and mine combined, it could be the match that ignites an entire revolution not just against those who deny our insurance claims but also going against the 1 percent who deny us the freedom to just exist without worrying about how to make it in this consumeristic society and parasitic world without going crazy
Life on the BPD 