I wrote this about John in 2002 when he ghosted me. I really liked him so I was really sad. Feelings of worthlessness came up and it was hard to not feel so shitty.
Our love has ended I know
There’s nothing more to say
To make you stay
We were too different, you said
I guess I was just too damn naive
To think someone like you
Could fall in love with an ordinary girl like me
Today is National Getting Over It day and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate it than by sharing my ANGRY AF playlist. A huge part for me getting over something tragic in my life is to get angry. And when I get angry, it’s almost like a volcano eruption. This is actually pretty healthy for me because I’ve felt that at times, anger has saved me from feeling all of my sadness at once which for me can get really overwhelming right away. I can even say that Anger has probably saved me from spiraling into an abyss of sadness that would be hard to crawl out of. In other words, anger has helped me survive whatever trauma has come my way. I used to be so ashamed of being angry because of how it would turn me into the most self absorbed and reactive person. I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve learned how to better manage my anger. Instead of drinking or hooking with random dudes because I’m angry; I exercise or write while I listen to music. Most of the songs in this list are geared more towards someone going through a breakup because that is when my anger comes out the most. Thanks, BPD. Lol. In bold are my favorite songs from this list.
For the Brokenhearted: I’m ANGRY AF Edition (the only where you scream out the lyrics):
Below are links to the playlist for your listening pleasure:
Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de John. Estaba bien enfadada que el me rechazo y abandono porque su madre no aprobaba de mi.
Tu moriste para mi
Cuando te fuiste de aquí
Y decidiste que yo no era más
Que una de tus muchas faldas
Pero tu te equivocaste
Al pensar que yo soy cualquier otra mujer
NO! Yo soy algo divino y estupendo
Que pena que tuviste miedo
Pero sabes algo
Ya no hay modo
De que algún día te perdone
porque eres un cobarde
Y ya no me importa
de amar tu nunca fuiste capaz
Y quizás es mejor así
Ya no me puedes herir
Y habré llorado bastante
pero de mi ya no te doy un instante
I wrote this in December of 2002. This was written about John before he ghosted me. If you can’t tell already, I have a tendency to idealize the men in my life.
I haven’t felt this way in a while
I just get high from talking to you
You just drive me so damn wild
You just don’t know
How you about kill me
When you have to go
Now I couldn’t even imagine
Living without your presence
You are my most wonderful sin
And I will pray every night
That my love you never try to fight
I wrote this about John in 2002 after he ghosted me after taking me to see his mom. His mother didn’t approve of me-an uneducated single mom. It was rough and of course I took it personally. So John fell off my pedestal and it was a long fall.
Perhaps you feel too smart
to let someone as ordinary as me
into your heart
Perhaps you think I’m not good enough
to be deserving of your love
Perhaps you are only sure
I’m just good for pleasure
Perhaps you wear a know it all smirk
And believe I’m just like any other girl
Perhaps you believe in your head
I’m only good to warm up your bed
But darling I’m sorry to say
You won’t get your way
Because I respect myself too much
To let myself melt with your touch
Because I am worth a lot more
than any of your trophy whores
Because I have an actual mind
Without you I’ll be just fine
But mostly because I would never fall
For someone so extremely false
My relationship with music is probably the healthiest life long relationships I’ve ever had. I honestly don’t know what I would do without it. I listen to music as a way to process both the bad and good things that happen in my life. Music is one of my favorite coping mechanisms I have when I’m having strong emotions. I have a playlist for almost any kind of mood or emotion you might be having: Feeling Sexy- I have a playlist for that, Feeling like a Bad Bitch -I have a playlist for that, Feeling like Your Heart has been shattered in a million pieces and you’re gonna be alone forever- I have a playlist for that too. I like to listen to music first thing in the morning to get my day going. I also listen to it throughout the work day to break up the monotony of the day. Sometimes I even spontaneously serenade my coworkers with my horrendous singing-haha. Music has saved me on numerous occasions from the bad and intrusive thoughts I do have from time to time. I also love to listen to super loud music when I’m power walking and jogging. I listen to all kinds of music from gangsta rap to mainstream pop to boleros. My favorites artists are usually singer songwriters like Taylor Swift, The KID Laroi, Shakira, and Alejandro Sanz. I am super fortunate to be bilingual so I have a huge music catalogue to choose from. No matter what happens in my life, music has always been a way to either help calm me down when I’m angry or perk me up when I get in one of depressive moods. I will be sharing some of the playlists I listen to depending on my moods. Below is a link to posts about a few of my playlists.
Playlist: For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry)
Playlist: Self Love-My Love Affair with Myself
Playlist: Let’s Get Sexy
Escribí este poema en el 2002 acerca de Matt, el padre de mi hijo mayor. Estaba bien amarga y desilusionada con el de nuevo después de que el nos rechazo otra vez mas.
Un día veras
Que no podrás mas
Y te arrepentirás
De día que decidiste olvidarte
De ese niño y esa mujer
Quien te pedía que te acuerdes
Que duro sera
Tendría que explicarle a él
Que tu su padre nunca quisiste ser
Y
Un día pensaras
Que error fue dejarlos atrás
Y tus lágrimas saldrán
Por no poder parar
El odio y rencor que él sentirá
Y
Un día sera muy tarde
Para querer ser su papa
I wrote this about Matt in 2002. He stopped contacting me after his visit in November and I was beyond pissed. So I did what I normally did after feeling rejected and abandoned, I devalued him to the point that he became dead to me.
You’ve become dead to me
That day, you decided to leave
And again decided to forget
Everything you had said
That you’d try your hardest
To give us your best
That you’d love to
Be there for us on cue
That we really are special
And pain on us wouldn’t befall
But once again, I was wrong
You sing the same deadbeat song
But thankfully, this time, I was prepared
For you to once again fail
So don’t ever come back
And pretend to be sad
Because you’ve become nothing to us
When once again, you left us in the dust
I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt. Even thought I was still resentful over the trauma I had been through because of him, I still had a somewhat idealistic perspective over what happened between us during the time we spent together. It was weird.
I never thought seeing you again
Would make my world tremble again
I thought I was over this
A few years back
When I was left with nothing
But the faint memory of your lips
But seeing you again like this
Brings back all of these memories
of our beautiful past
“My last year in my 30s ended up with me being an essential worker during a pandemic while being a mom of three and being involved in two different romantic liaisons. I could look back on what I have not accomplished in my life and be sad but instead I’ll focus on my growth and my goals for the next year. I’ve made a lot of progress this year both financially and personally. I’ve improved my credit score by 100 points by working 2 jobs and paying debt off. Also for the first time in my adult life I’m in a healthy romantic relationship with a wonderful man. This time last year I didn’t think either was possible and at times I don’t feel like I deserve all of the good fortune in my life. As I look forward to my next year and my new decade, I hope to really focus on becoming a confident driver, submit my writing everywhere and try to get published, and continue to work my two jobs to save up to buy 2 houses. I’m kind of excited for what the next decade looks like. My thirties taught me I can survive what I once thought would not be survivable. During my thirties, I felt myself merely surviving. In this next decade I look forward to thriving.”
I wrote this a year ago and so much has changed. I can tell you that my 40th year didn’t go as planned. I’m not involved in any romantic relationships.In fact, for the first time in 26 years, I’m not chasing love or the adrenaline rush of being in a romantic relationship. I can honestly say that I am in the healthiest and happiest relationship at this time-with myself. This time last year, I thought that personal growth meant sustaining a “healthy” relationship with someone and now I’m not so sure. I have more to say about this but that’s something I will share later on. I could talk about everything that went wrong this year but I won’t. Honestly, there are parts of that year that I’m not done processing and not ready to talk about and that’s okay. I learned in therapy that grief isn’t linear and I have to honor my process and not to suppress my feelings. It’s hard to write this but it’s my truth. What hasn’t changed is that I’m still working 2 jobs and am actually paying off new debt that I incurred when I went on several binge shopping sprees this summer and fall. I do have to say that my wardrobe is amazing and I’m the best dressed person in the office. I’ve had tremendous growth this year in a lot of areas. I’m in the best shape of my life after I took up angry power walking and running this summer and lost 20 pounds within a 3 months period. I beat this driving phobia I had through exposure therapy. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality this summer and successfully completed a therapy program that has helped me manage my symptoms in a much healthier way. I started blogging again. I’ve lost count of how many poems and essays I’ve written because this year has been beyond inspiring. The best thing that has happened this year is that I’m finally the woman I had always wanted to be but was too afraid to be. It’s taken a lot of hard work, tears and so much introspection to get here. Here is a place where I no longer run away from my life but I run to it instead. Here is a place where I’m comfortable and in love with solitude and am no longer chasing the high of love in someone else. Here is a place where I look forward to each and every day because I finally understand that my life is a gift and not a burden. Here is a place where I’m no longer just surviving but I’m thriving. Here is a place I want to stay in for a really long time. My goals are for this year are simple:
Here is me looking forward to a calm year full of growth and progress.
I wrote this poem on February 22, 2021. I wrote this while I still in a relationship with my most recent ex. I really thought he would be the one to stay but it wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. I look at year 39 that in spite of facing constant depression and craziness because of COVID, I still had something important in life and that was love even if at the end it didn’t work out. It was a year full of magical moments that I will never regret.
Last day of thirty nine
and I look back on this decade
with love and no regrets
The decade started with my third
miracle of life
and ended with the miracle of love
The decade started with a once stable
and normal suburban life
and ended with a chaotically busy and poly life
The decade started with a half loved marriage
and ended with an almost separation
Toxicity ruled 2 and a half years of the decade
but he left
Now I’m left with a new determination
to fulfill my potential and let no one
or nothing stop me
I wrote this on February 22, 2020. I had started working at Kroger in October of the previous year, was still trying to stop my situationship with “C”, and had just started dating my most recent ex-the second Andrew. I was becoming hyper aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns and didn’t want to repeat them and had my guard up but life happens and well I fell in love.
On the last day of 38
I’m filled with so much hate
Hate for the life I never had
Hate for me and my soon to be ex spouse
and for our toxic codependency
The year has been filled with highs and lows-
I was prolific with my poetry about my toxic lover
My toxic lover that follows
a pattern of toxic lovers
since the age of 15
Toxic lovers that abused me, used me,
and discarded me like trash-
Toxic lovers that made me
question my worth
Toxic lovers that left me breathless
with chemistry that felt like a drug
Toxic lovers that I kept coming back to
out of the habit of not loving myself enough
Toxic lovers that never want to define an “us”
Toxic lovers-that starting 2 weeks ago
I will leave forever alone
And on year 38
with all of my hate and rage
for my mediocre life
I decided to fight
Fight with determination and purpose
for the life me and my kids deserve
Fight with my body
working endless hours
with fatigue and sore knees
for the future I always wanted
A future that looks independent and thriving
on my own
A future that will become
my own universe who no one can enter
I may cry, I may want to die
but I will not give up-
not when I’m so close
And even though I met a ray of hope
with my first lover’s name
towards the end of year 38
My walls will stay up and guarded
No piece of my vulnerability
Will be exposed to him
until I’m sure it’s not the same old toxic codependent story
On the last day of thirty eight
I work on inner healing
I work on inner peace
I work on goals
to finally emerge as a butterfly on year 39
On the last day of 38
I say forever goodbye to toxic patterns and lovers
I say forever goodbye to the old insecure me
to welcome the new and confident me-
I say forever goodbye to my once comfortable
and mediocre life to welcome a universe
full of great potential–
Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de John cuando el me rechazo. Estaba bien enfadada.
Óyeme cuando te digo
Que ya no te amo
Me hiciste mucho daño
Por eso se acabo
Este doloroso cuento de amor
En que no supiste
Apreciar todo lo bueno que te quise ofrecer
Quizás tu pensarías
Que yo era demasiado sencilla
This playlist I’m sharing is called “Self Love-My Love Affair with Myself”. This playlist is filled with songs about feeling empowered after life gets you down because of a job loss, a break up, or maybe even just a bad day. It’s about getting your strength back and remembering who were in the first place and getting ready to conquer the world. It’s about finding yourself after losing your spark. It’s about feeling like a bad bitch again. I’ve put in bold my favorite songs from this playlist.
1.Confident- Demi Lovato
2.7 Rings- Ariana Grande
3.It’s Like That-Mariah Carey
4.Build a Bitch- Bella Poarch
5.Everything I Want to Be- Save Ferris
6.Lose Yourself-Eminem
7.Independent Women Part 1-Destiny’s Child
8.Make It Happen- Mariah Carey
9.Moments-Tove Lo
10.Good Thing-Kehlani
11.U.N.I.T.Y- Queen Latifah
12.Look at Her Now- Selena Gomez
13.Truth Hurts-Lizzo
14.Brave-Sara Bareilles
15.Express Yourself- Madonna
16.None of Your Business-Salt N Peppa
17.Most Girls- Hailee Steinfeld
18.Free Your Mind- En Vogue
19.Good As Hell-Lizzo
20.THAT BITCH-Bea Miller
Below are the links for your listening pleasure:
I wrote this in October of 2002 about my first son’s bio dad. I had a lot of residual resentment for my son’s bio dad. Therapy would have helped with processing processing the trauma but at least I had poetry.
The thought of you never escapes my mind
not even for just one night
Your little game has caused me a lifetime of hurt,
resentment, and pain
Now I’ll never be the same
And I will forever ask myself
Why is it me and our innocent child
the ones to suffer for your thoughtless actions?
Him, without someone to call dad
and me,taken away from my youth
Forced to grow up too fast
Life on the BPD 