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poetry: luchadoras

I wrote this poem in January of 2024.

me in my luchadoras gear ready to go into my second job

I channel the luchadoras before me
the ones who had to work in the chacras
to provide for their families,
the ones who had to work with their bare hands
to build generational wealth
the ones who survived infidelities, abuse, and tragedies
and still came out on top as Queens
the ones who never had the option to lay down
and princess to be doted on, be taken care of
they had to become working class luchadoras
for the betterment of themselves
and their families

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poetry: being a girl in the 90s

this poem was inspired by the 2006 poem “racy lacie”

Poetry: Racy Lacie

aol chatrooms serves her purpose
for attention and validation
slowly Lacy become a love junkie
with a combo of low self worth
and undiagnosed mental illness
she never feels like she’s enough
so she uses her beauty and her body
to search of wholeness
no one thinks to stop her
or monitor what she’s doing online
has plenty of dates with strange men
in parking lots
at 16, she feels on top of the world
sneaking hits of lust
After school and on weekends
using her friends to cover for her
never thinking of the consequences
and always living for the moment

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poetry: unsolicited advice

truth!!!
Poetry: Did I Ask For Your Advice?

this is inspired by the 2006 poem, “did I ask for your advice”

well meaning unsolicited advice and opinions from others
Made me feel like I was a failure
like I wasn’t doing enough to better myself
it always comes after a life changing event-
a new baby, marriage, and most recently my divorce
In my 20s it drove me crazy
In my 40s I nod, smile, take whatever is helpful
and move on

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poetry: algorithm

I wrote this poem in January of 2024.

How long do I have to scroll before the algorithm fucks me up
Before the algorithm makes me feel like I’m not doing enough
before I lose my shit and say “this is bullshit”
and delete all of my social media apps
How long do I have to scroll before the algorithm makes me feel better
before the algorithm starts to validate my existence
Before some random stranger slides into my dms and tells me I’m pretty

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poetry: a sudden caress

this poem is inspired by this 2006 poem “risen”.

https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/4529

i laugh fr fr

I was ready to give up
Until I felt a sudden caress on my hand
you looked at me with desire, and I blushed
and our passion was awakened
from a year-long deep sleep
Is this a short-lived daydream?
or the impossibility of our new reality?

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poetry: the great awakening

I wrote this poem in January of 2024.

me in Oxapampa in April of 2023

my life flashed before my eyes as a fog took over my mind and body
What would happen to my ex? What would happen to my kids?
they can’t function without me
I’m the one who makes sure the rent and electricity get paid
I’m the one who always takes the initiative to better our family
I’m the one who’s trying to break generational curses
so my kids don’t suffer as much as I did
my life flashed before my eyes, and I mentally prepared a list
in my head of every one of my children’s milestones
i would miss out on if God took me now
and as the fog finally started to lift
I thanked God for his mercy and understood the message
from the universe
I really need to take better care of myself
my health can never be taken for granted
I’m too important for my family, my friends
to learn to live without me
this was my great awakening

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poetry: waking up

this poem is inspired by the 2006 poem “the light”

Poetry: The Light
the bravest thing you can do

hope is found in a lucid dream-
It’s a whisper reminding me, “it won’t always be like this”
it’s my abuela telling me “tu vida apenas está comenzando”
and I wake from the fog of existential dread
I’ve been feeling lately-

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poetry: another new year

I wrote this poem in January of 2024.

I love being a dumpster phoenix

another new year is here
another season of my life
will soon be renewed
more chances for new experiences
and adventures
more opportunities to fuck things up
and give fodder to the inner critic in me
to emotionally beat me up
more time to question myself
am I doing enough for me and my kids
to prosper
more moments of joy and laughter
with my boys as they get older
and continue to find their autonomy
more grief and sadness as the working class
and marginalized communities
continue to be stepped on
more memories made that ignite a spark
of creativity within me
another new year
another transformation under construction

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day 11 of Patty: the last drop

I wrote this poem in November of 2024.

the wine that inspired this poem

I drank the last drop of the wine you gave me
as I sing out my guts to lyrics
that reminds me of you
the worst of my ideas,
the worst of my crimes
I drank the last drop of the wine you gave me
hoping that this is the last bit of closure
I need from you
and that from now on
we’ll both live our lives free and clear
of each other
and soon you both fade into
the background of my memory
and soon you stop showing up
in my dreams

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day 9 of Patty : beast

I wrote this poem in September of 2024.

beast, can you handle all of this ?

beast hurry up and come find me
it’s been a year since I’ve been married
two years since I had sex
and three years since I’ve been
in real relationship
I’m a thirsty and horny yearning
to break my vow of celibacy

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day 8 of Patty: August

I wrote this poem in August of 2024.

it’a me and my lonja FTW

August came and I hold onto
the few slivers of hope left in me
as I reach another rock bottom
self correcting and not making myself a victim
making sure I’m better than yesterday
Trying my best to control my emotions
knowing that somewhere in the wash
of this downward spiral
will come the biggest silver lining

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day 5 of Patty: send me a sign

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

me looking for a sign

Universe, send me a silver lining
send me a sign, send me a message
things will be alright
lately everything feels so awry
lately May feels like the longest month of my life
lately everything feels like chaos and darkness
I can’t seem to get rid off
And lately I’m afraid I’m about to lose my mind

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day 3 of Patty: mirror, mirror

I wrote this poem in March of 2024.

the only hero I ever needed was me

for almost three years I’ve been waiting for the next guy to appear
as some kind of hero, as some kind of reward for all of my effort
I’ve put into myself and the life I’ve built
Subconsciously I did this
Even as I publicly roared about being empowered on my own
I still wanted someone to be my sanctuary to lay my love in
And I wrote, manifested, schemed, flirted
got obsessed with men who were just meant to be friends
Thinking, gosh, if I hang on long enough, he’ll come around
this might work out
but today I discovered the only hero for me
is the woman in the mirror
who still manages to get out of bed
even on the bad days when she’s too tired to function
when she’s exhausted by all of it