I scream watching the dominoes fall once again I don’t know who I am I want to be this version of myself a while longer ideally forever but the universe has other plans she laughs and says “Honey, he wasn’t the one” and I’m pissed and lose my shit go crazy for weeks, that turn into months that turn into a year until 13 months later mama killa comes to me revealing the last piece I needed to form a stable identity and sends me back to my homeland where I recover hidden bits of myself and laugh like a child once again where I’m reunited with the mountains, coast, and the city where the universe tells me “I told you so, you couldn’t have done this with him by your side dimming your light, you needed to be alone to embrace your magic And find your real identity under layers of american conditioning and reconnect with your homeland, it was the most important part in your heroine’s journey to integration
the sky fell on me on that tuesday morning when you ended me with a 5 minute phone call for weeks I cried on the carpet until I fell asleep for weeks I wanted to fade away into an abyss of nothingness and even though it’s been almost decade I still think about that Tuesday morning the morning I lost the small piece of innocence I had left
Triggered trauma brings in a spiral of toxic guilt and shame even if logically I know it’s not my fault and I was just standing up for myself I’m still recovering from being a nice girl I’m still recovering from saying please and thank you when toxicity was served on a platter of love I’m still recovering from compromising my values and my true self for the comfort of others so they’d stay I’m still recovering from the most toxic story I ever told myself when it came to measuring my worth by how others judged and perceived me
blankness spills across her pretty face no distinction between her and the marble her hands and feet are still watches herself say the right words and make the appropriate gestures nothing makes sense in this moment rage burns inside of her she smiles and nods politely as they talk about the weather
this is inspired by the 2006 poem, “did I ask for your advice”
well meaning unsolicited advice and opinions from others Made me feel like I was a failure like I wasn’t doing enough to better myself it always comes after a life changing event- a new baby, marriage, and most recently my divorce In my 20s it drove me crazy In my 40s I nod, smile, take whatever is helpful and move on
Universe, send me a silver lining send me a sign, send me a message things will be alright lately everything feels so awry lately May feels like the longest month of my life lately everything feels like chaos and darkness I can’t seem to get rid off And lately I’m afraid I’m about to lose my mind
it’s the wild wild west inside my head it’s where my demons decide to come out to play they dance with traumatic memories making my fears and insecurities come out to the surface it’s the wild wild west inside my head being insane becomes my personality and aesthetic scaring away any potential love candidates it’s been a long time since I held someone’s hand much less been in someone’s bed It’s the wild wild went inside my head And I wonder when will the demons get tired and leave so maybe one day I’m not so jaded so maybe one day I give someone the chance to take me out on a date
the future of me is not written yet I have to understand that all I can do is write for her who will still question her existence or why things happened the way they did or what the fuck happened to her I know myself too well it doesn’t matter how far I’m in my self discovery journey I’ll always have questions Its my insatiable curiosity I can only hope that the future me has leaned into self love More than ever before and still understands she and her kids are her top priorities Anyone else is expendable in her little universe of love
I swipe and swipe on anyone who looks appetizing, on anyone who looks interesting and then the messages swarm in- I must be honey to the bees who buzz and buzz around me and I’m not impressed Hey, beautiful says the guy with his catch of day in his profile pic – Are you DTF? Says the zoomer almost young enough to be my son-ew-blocked insert a pretentious line with a quote From a Wallace Stevens poem , it’s the Genxer who’s gross-ethically non monogamous- I must not have been paying attention while I was swiping And the messages keep coming And I’m overwhelmed by the amount of them and underwhelmed by quality of them and I’m nauseated and want to vomit at the thought of giving any of these men an ounce of my energy maybe a past version of me would have given them a chance but this new and empowered version of me Nah, none of them seem worthy so I deactivate my profile and uninstall the app Understand I’m too evolved to find love online and put my trust in the universe that one day The right guy will find me and I won’t even have to try and until that time comes, I’ll keep being an independent Peruvian Queen Focusing on myself and my kids without any mediocre energy trying to intervene
the breakup was always a larger than life event in my mind because of the catastrophic pain it caused because it was someone I thought could be my forever so when he gave me the electronic pink slip I used it as a catalyst for change I broke away with my idea of what made me attractive and accessible to men, and instead, I focused on what made me feel good about myself and learned to accept myself as the complicated and crazy woman that I am I finally understood I was always a Queen Underneath layers of princess skin Armed myself with poetry and confidence that breakup changed me like previous breakups did however, this one was the key to the transformation I needed to become the woman I was always meant to be
I bet all of my female ancestors still remember their third of december
abandonment wounds run deep in my bloodline I’ve lost count of how many woman in my family whose lovers absconded, who’s lovers left them for their own version of Heather- maybe this explains my epic overreaction every time a lover absconded their departure triggers trauma in my DNA from the abandoned women ancestors before me
this day inspired a poem titled, “My Last Heather Moment”
It’s the 3rd of December and that means it’s Heather Day! What exactly is “Heather Day”? It’s a lyrical reference to the Conan Gray song “Heather” which talks about unrequited love and his crush choosing some girl named Heather over him which is terrible because I still can’t imagine anyone choosing someone else over Conan Fucking Gray, the most beautiful man ALIVE! So the first time I heard Heather was around November of 2022 and in a few short weeks, I became obsessed with this song. I think my kids unintentionally know the lyrics because of how many times they’ve heard it. I’ve written poetry inspired by this song and read that poetry at open mic. I’ve posed in pictures inspired by the video of the song. I’ve blasted that song from my car at various times and have always sung it out loud when it would play over the loudspeakers at my second job.
Needless to say, I have a deep relationship with that song. I know that it’s because at various stages in my life, I’ve been dumped by my exes for someone else, my crush has chosen someone else over me, or in one instance, the guy I was kind of seeing brought the other girl to an event we were both at and he thought it was fine while I was having full blown panic attacks in the bathroom (that’s another blog post). Before I listened to Heather , I didn’t know what to call these gut wrenching moments but after “Heather” I call these moments “Heather Moments”. And I’m sure there are other people, who’ve had similar experiences and their own “Heather Moments” and so I made a playlist inspired by “Heather” with songs with a similar feel. I actually have a deep connection to every single one of these songs and have even seen a few of them performed live. Yes, I saw Heather performed live and it was the happiest 4 minutes of my life! Anyways, here’s my playlist along with a few of the poems inspired by the song Heather. Fun Fact about some of these songs: 1) I was obsessed with “Can’t Let Go” when I was 10 and my crush wouldn’t notice me. 2) Look Away was on repeat in my CD Player when I broke up with my ex at 15 and it wasn’t a week before he went out with that girl he told me “I shouldn’t worry about” 3) One of the first songs I learned to play on the keyboard when I was 13 was “Words Get in the Way” 4) This is probably the most embarrassing fact but I crashed into the pole at work while I was blasting “Traitor” from my car. And 5) I was obsessed with the song “Silver Springs” this year and had it on repeat and even translated it into Spanish to see how it sounded. Also, I’ve included link via spotify and youtube for your listening pleasure.
I WISH I WERE HEATHER playlist:
Back to Black-Amy Winehouse
Better than Revenge- Taylor Swift
Can’t Let Go-Mariah Carey
Checkmate- Conan Gray
Coincidence-Sabrina Carpenter Dancing on my Own-Tove Lo Deja Vu- Olivia Rodrigo
Driver’s License- Olivia Rodrigo
Glimpse of Us- Joji
Good Enough-Maisie Peters
Heather- Conan Gray
John Hughes Movie- Maisie Peters Lacy- Olivia Rodrigo
Lookalike- Conan Gray
Look Away- Chicago
Lost the Breakup- Maisie Peters
Lucid Dreams- Juice WRLD
Movies- Conan Gray
Objection-Shakira
Opposite- Sabrina Carpenter
She’s All I Wanna Be- Tate McRae
Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
Slow Dancing in the Dark- Joji 24.Taste- Sabrina Carpenter
in my island of solitude, I drift further and further away from romantic love when I’ve tried to invite others to my island they always left, and it drove me into hysterics making a catastrophic emotional mess of me so now I float alone on my island of solitude and have erected walls of strength and confidence around it I will not allow another soul to break them down only to later leave on a whim, leaving me in pieces once again
abuela Gaby sends me hints that she wants her story to be told but I can barely remember her she tells me to still try with the bits I have I ask her for patience I want to get it right, I want to do her story justice she tells me, “hemos vivido vidas paralelas” las palabras te vendrán fácilmente pronto” and adds, “es como vas a sanar, es como empiezas a entenderte” and I don’t understand what it means, I don’t understand her interest in me now and how I became a messenger of her story, “ni siquiera pensé que me querías Abuela, you always pulled my hair” and she replies, “es que era duro ver nacer y crecer a alguien que se parecía tanto a mi, me traía demasiados sentimientos encontrados, porque sabía que tu espiritu seria difícil de dominar” and while I try my best to comprehend what she tells me – it’s hard to wrap my head around her message and all of the conflicting stories about her from my family so I’m going to make it a point to find out her story through her letters and pictures- abuela, I want to do your story justice I can’t rush through this yours is one of the most important stories I’ll share in my lifetime
Is it really so bad to assist others in ending their lives? couldn’t it be seen as a final act of love? to help them die with dignity and on their own terms without machines and tubes delaying the inevitable without anyone’s say over the little autonomy they still have left
Life on the BPD 