This was another poem about Paul. The first guy that would break my heart via email. I still don’t understand what was so hard about picking up the phone. Then, again, I might be a hypocrite saying that. Lol.
I need to be alone right now
was your excuse
Never your intention to hurt me
Was what you said
I’m still in love with her
was what you meant
Meaningless piece of ass
was what I meant to you
So I really needed therapy then. Hahaha. This is another salty poem from the great breakup of 2001.This poem is obviously directed at “S” ex-wife who let me know he was cheating on me. Thinking back on it now, I was pretty cruel to the poor girl on the phone. Any anger I had felt should been directed at him and not her. She was in the same situation I was in.
So you got my man
Thank you for getting him off my hands
So you think he loves you
It’s just a line to fuck you
So you think I still want him
I could care less about such a sorry thing
So you think you are meant to be
You are blind too, I see
So you think he’s the real deal
He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel
So you think you’re lucky
You got yourself another false story
So you think I’m saying this because I’m super pissed
Nah, I’m saying this cause you’re another girl on his growing list
I wrote this in 2001 about my ex Paul after he broke up with me via email after a couple of months dating. This is the last of the poems about Paul. Here is my blog post about my story with him:
https://rejectingstagnationafter.wordpress.com/?p=2052
Well, well, well
Here I am
Drowning in a sea of misery
Because of your selfish and miserable self
Thank you for all
the hell you have put me through
Glad I was used
As meaningless tool
To realize how much
Another meant to you
Nightmare of deceit, betrayal, and lies
was what was behind all of those dreamlike kisses,
Beautiful words and caresses
I wrote this poem in 2002 about Brad, my former friend who lied to me for about a decade. Before I wrote this poem, we had met up maybe once and fooled around. After that, I tried to make it go back to a platonic friendship but he kept pressuring me for more.
I feel so fucking bad
My dear friend Brad
I know that you were displeased
I never meant for to think I was a tease
But I can no longer be that girl
That doesn’t know her worth
And is okay with being a “good lay”
Sorry for not being able to be your booty call
It’s just that I have learned
That if I want respect
I have to be firm
I hope you’ll forgive me and understand
And we can again be friends and hang
I wrote this about my ex Juan in the year 2000.Juan was an interesting character. I met him in October of 1999 while I was working at a gas station. We dated from October to December. He was either super charismatic or I was super dumb. We had fun. Since we lived with our parents, we had to be creative as to where we would have sex. I remember one time we had sex at work during my shift on my boss’ desk. Lol. However, Juan also conned me out of almost $3000 I had saved up saying his family needed the money. I hated myself afterwards. I also cheated on him with Sam. Anyways, Juan ghosted me in December and tried to come back sometime around January or February of the next year. I agreed to meet him because I was interested in getting my money back. Well, I got in his car and while he was driving around my neighborhood, he kept trying to put his hand in between my legs. I kept pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop and kept getting more aggressive. Idk how but eventually I gathered my strength and anger and elbowed him in the crotch and managed to get out of the moving car. I never heard from him again. I should have been traumatized from that incident but I wasn’t. I think that while I was in the car with him, I was more pissed than scared of him. Looking back at this incident, it feels crazy that this didn’t affect me.
My dear amor
How can I tell you?
That I no longer love you
How can I hurt you?
By saying that all of the extraordinary feeling I once felt
have gone and faded away from my heart and soul
It’s not that I’ve falling in love with someone new
It’s just that our special bond has been broken in two
When you use to kiss me I used to think I was in heaven
Now I just feel empty
So sorry to say, but baby you’re fired
Another poem I wrote about the great breakup of 2001. Who knew that more than 20 years later, it would just be great blog content. Lol.
Why did you have to be
so painful for me?
Why did it take me so long
To find out you were doing me so wrong
Why did you have to such a waste
And leave my mouth with such a bitter taste
Why did you have to put on such a good show
I still can’t believe somebody could stoop so low
Why did you have to make my heart so sore
I don’t think i can stand the pain anymore
Why did you have to show up
And be such a damn fuck up
Este poema lo escribi en Noviembre del 2001. Estaba bien amarga.
Yo pensé
Que mi amor no tenía limite
Que nada podía pasar
Pero arruinaste aquella confianza
Al seguir esa falda
Yo pensé
Que nada podía destrozar aquella fe
Que el amor era sin condiciones
Pero no sabía de tus misiones secretas
Cuando te ibas con esa
Ahora has roto nuestra fortaleza
Yo pensé
Que tu podías ser aquel
Que sería la solución
Nunca la destrucción (de mi corazón)
Pero tú no lo viste así
Por eso ya no sigues aquí
Yo pensé
Que eras un hombre
Nunca que eras ese niño confundido
Y que volverías a aquel anterior nido
Ahora veo que tú fuiste mi gran equivocación
I wrote this in November of 2001 about the great breakup of that year. I was quite salty. Hey, at least I didn’t go Joe Goldberg on his ass. Lmao. Sometimes as a way to process trauma, I will write letters to the people that have hurt me. This is an example of one of them.
My heart knew you were no good
Something told it you were not being true
All those days you were out there “working”
You had been out there fucking
I should’ve known to walk away
The first time your lying ways gave you away
But I wanted so badly to believe
That you were truly in love with me
Now I’m a big mess
But I deserve this I guess
For not listening to myself
And falling in love with your sorry self
I’m glad we’ve reached the end
Cause baby you were hell sent
I wrote this in 2000 about Sam. He was my FWB for over year and of course I developed feelings for him. I also felt guilt and shame because I was the “other woman” during that entire time. I also kept sleeping with him even though I was suppose to be a few “monogamous” relationships during that time. Maybe that’s why I have trust issues. I know how shitty and dishonest people can be because I’ve been shitty and dishonest myself. I also have this habit for falling for people I have no business falling for.
My friend Sam
I like having you as my special friend
I like it when we get together
and we have wild and crazy sex
You make me feel better than when I’m with him
I suppose that it’s because it’s just sex
The more I’m with you, the more i look into that beautiful ocean
I call your eyes, the more I hear the achy familiar sound of your voice when you answer the phone,the more tender kisses you give me all over, I’m falling in a dangerous
Situation here, the lust that I’m suppose to be feeling for you is now falling into this deeper emotion called love
I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t supposed to happen
I know that you belong to another and I know she’s the one you love
and to you I’m nothing more than a warm body to warm you up at your convenience
This is why I have to leave you my special friend Sam
I can’t stand hearing your heys of feeling your tender kisses all over my body and just tonight I’m all yours but tomorrow forget I ever existed in your life
With this my friend
I say goodbye and I hope you live happily ever after with the love of your life
I wrote this in 1998 about my pregnancy. I wrote this after telling my traditional and catholic parents I was pregnant. I was six months along and went into a deep depression afterwards that lasted maybe a year after the birth of my first child. Yes, I was a teen mom with post partum depression and there wasn’t much anyone could do at the time. I still got up to go to school and took care of my child. My life was no longer just about me, I was responsible for another life. Maybe that’s when I learned to mask so well. I learned to show up no matter what. On the upside, I had really supportive parents who were for me when they could have abandoned me. On the downside, some of my closest friends did. Sometimes I wonder if going through something this traumatic did stunted my maturity in some areas.
No more fun
No more just “lying in the sun”
Dirty diapers and Barney
Will sum up the next few years for me
No more hanging out with friends
No more having tons of boyfriends
Strollers and snotty noses
Will be how my adolescence closes
I wrote this in 2002 after a trip to California. That trip was strange for me. I was filled with nostalgia but also felt triggered by revisiting traumatic parts of my childhood during that trip. I did make peace with my past during that trip. I don’t talk much about my childhood because of the trauma attached to it but I think I need to. We should talk about the things that are hard to talk about. I believe that my childhood trauma played a big part in me having BPD.
Gone back to my old miserable childhood world
Everything has changed and yet remains the same
Old memories I had buried in the back of my mind
Come crawling back to the surface
Of the pain, poverty, and misery
That scared little girl emerges once again
But this time as a brave woman
To proclaim that she is no longer
Frightened by the people who caused her so much hurt
I wrote this poem in 2001. It’s another poem about the “great breakup” of 2001. I think part of the reason I took that breakup so hard was that I had idealized that relationship thinking finally I found the one. Lol. I was just really tired of jumping into relationships time after time and them not working out.
I thought I was the only one
in your heart
I never thought that the time would come
when you’d say “It’s time we part”
It never crossed my mind
that there was somebody else
I always thought you were only mine
I thought we had more time
I wrote this in 2002 when I was stressed out with things going on in my personal life and at work. Everything felt so overwhelming at the time. It was exhausting and stressful trying to balance everything and everyone in my life and this would be a theme that would continually show up in my life.
I’m so tired of all of this crap
I’m ready to give up
And stop playing whatever
this game is called
My eyes are so sleepy
And my body aches to rest
What good comes out of anything
is tarnished by impulsive desires
Nothing is pure or sacred anymore
Your friends are also your worst enemies
Your lovers are also the ones
that make you miserable
Something has to be figured
Because I can’t keep playing this game
This way, no more
I wrote this in 1998 when I was pregnant. I was kind of denial at the time but also knew what was happening. It was a weird and traumatic time in my life. I was barely 17 and coming to grips to how drastically my life would change. I will say that after 23 years, my son’s birth was definitely a trauma turned into triumph. I don’t think I knew what real love was until I had him.
I can’t concentrate
knowing my fate
I’d rather die
Than having to keep up this lie
I’m gaining weight
And my period’s 3 months late
I’m having cravings
Pretty soon everyone is going to be staring
I don’t know how to cope
I’m starting to lose all hope
I don’t wanna live anymore
I feel like I have nothing to live for
What am I to do?
Where or whom do I go to?
My life is ruined
All this, just by letting him in
This poem was about “M” and I wrote it in 2000. I had convinced my parents to take me to see him at his University which was about an hour and 15 minutes away and I went to his dorm room and we had sex and then he tells me, “I’m not serious about you, I just want to be your friend” I was pissed and upset. I don’t know how but I guess I kept in contact with him and it I remember how awful it was. Ugh. And this is why I can’t be friends with exes.
I still remember the hurtful words
You said to me
After making love
“I’m not serious about you.
I just want to be your friend”
That’s when my whole world came to an end
I drowned in an ocean of my own tears
you had awaken my biggest fear
That you wanted my body
And not all of me
It’s too bad
That to you
I was just a passing fad
Life on the BPD 