I hide the craziest parts of myself The parts that get sad, The parts that get obsessed The parts that lose hope I hide the worst parts of myself the parts that feel empty The parts that feel numb The parts that want to die I hide the craziest and worst parts of myself so no one else will leave
Iβm tired of the bustle and hustle that comes with my social status and the color of my skin Why wasnβt I raised with privilege and wealth instead of being raised with poverty and trauma? And I try and I try and I try to find a way out of this cruel existence but itβs futile I take pride in my never ending hustling but at times it feels so exhausting There seems to no end in sight for this fruitless fight
McKenzie Harpeβs debut collection, When Pens Became Megaphones is aptly named because of how powerful the writing is in this book. The poems in this book are passionate and compelling in examining a variety of themes. A few of the themes covered in this book are mental health, relationships, family, racism, and social injustice. . The book is divided into four sections which are, βSpeak With Yoβ Mindβ, βSpeak with Yoβ Soulβ, βSpeak with Yo Fistβ and βSpeak with Yoβ Heartβ. Harpe does not mince words or is subtle to express herself in her poetry and that is something I greatly admire. I also want to mention that the format and presentation of the book is very professional and flawless in how itβs laid out making it very appealing for the reader. I will discuss 2 poems from each section that really spoke to me.
The first section βSpeak With Yoβ Mindβ talks frankly and honestly about anxiety and the feelings that come along with it and how the poet copes. The poet presents a true understanding of how some people feel with the burden of anxious thoughts and how trying to find peace with that can feel like an uphill battle. A poem that spoke to me about dealing with anxiety was Medicine. The poem Medicine talks about the healthy coping mechanism that music can be for someone with mental health issues. This is presented in the fourth stanza with the lines βmusic is my only redemption/the only prevention/for lost hopeβ (Harpe,15) As a person with mental health issues myself, music is one of my healthiest coping mechanisms. When the world gets too βnoisyβ for me, I tend to put my earbuds in and play something to either calm me down or hype me up depending on my mood. Another poem from this section that resonated with me was Evicted. Evicted presents a picture about kicking anxiety out. This is presented when the poet states, βsee, I only came to organize/my thoughts on my hanger, /but now Iβm cleaning out more than my closet. /Iβm kicking you out, anxietyβ (Harpe,17) There is a power in that verse which shows the poet taking her power back from anxiety taking up space in her mind. As a person who also suffers from anxiety, I completely get it.
The second section pays a tribute to where the poets come from and her family. Harpe does this by talking about the women in her family as well as her friends. One poem that I especially loved was My Day Ones where she captures the ease that comes from long term friendships or connections. This is stated in the poem, βa necessary vent/ after years/of personal growth/and that vibes still the sameβ (Harpe,31) This poem resonated with me because it reminded me of the connection I have with my childhood friends from Hawaii. Weeks or months can pass by without us talking and out of the blue one of us will say something in our group chat and weβll catch up on life. Another poem I absolutely loved from this section was Auntie. It displays the resilience and strength of a woman who has breast cancer. Harpe shows this woman’s strength from the first line, βI know a woman/whoβs not afraid of monstersβ (Harpe,36). This poem resonates with me when I think about breast cancer survivors and victims of breast cancer . Another thing I like about this poem is that Harpe captures the essence of this woman going through something really harrowing in a way that respects her humanity.
The third section Harpe explores the great social injustices that have been happening and still happen in this country. Harpe does this by talking frankly and honestly about racism and white privilege. The poem Armed is one of my favorite poems in the whole book. It speaks about how words can be weapons of change. When Harpe says, βI load my pen with thoughts/the aim with precision/ spit fire on these pages/ and hope you see my vision/ this is more than just a poem (Harpe,59), she speaks the truth with how people tend to underestimate the power that artists can have when to comes to social change. This poem reminded me that one of the reasons I write is to give a voice to the marginalized immigrant community that I come from. Another poem that really resonated with me in this section was the poem The Five Senses. This poem addresses how white privilege continues to undermine and oppress minorities in this country. I was blown away by how the poet used all of five senses to do this. For example, for the sense of hearing in stanza 2, the poet states βwhat does it sound like? /hearing a native language/and calling it a threat. /yelling at minorities/to go back home/to places they never even met/like we didnβt forget/you never discovered/this country to begin with, (Harpe,66). That stanza gives me goosebumps from how powerful it is in addressing racists and calling out their hypocrisy. This part in this poem really resonated too since I have been subject to prejudice and discrimination due to my ethnicity and former immigration status.
The fourth section βSpeak with Yoβ Heartβ explores themes related to love and itβs not just centered on romantic love, but it also talks about self-love. I really resonate with the poem Dramatic. In the first stanza the poet states βwhen you date a poet/understand that your attitude/will become similes/your emotions/will become metaphors/your actions/will be the starting line/for each stanza ( Harpe,83) How true is this for many poets who will take their inspiration from their romantic relationships. Some of us even have a blog dedicated to this type of poetry (ππ). Another poem that really stood out from this section was Saving Grace. In this poem, Harpe talks about her βtoxic relationship with anxietyβ and how it has impacted her. A powerful verse in this poem was βthis time I felt sad/lonely/and nonexistent. /turns out, he had changed into this person/called depression (Harpe,93). Harpe shows how agonizing it feels like for a lot of us when our anxiety turns into depression. I also want to mention that the end of this poem was very hope and filled with faith. Once again, Harpe captures the painful truth that most of us with anxiety and depression must live with.
With her debut collection, Harpe presents an amazing talent for being open and honest about life, identity, social justice, and mental health. My only complaint about this book is that I wanted to read more. Yes, thatβs how good this poetry collection was. I donβt usually read a book in one sitting but Harpeβs writing captivated me in such a way that I couldnβt put it down. I highly recommend this book for anyone who likes poetry thatβs inspiring and empowering. I look forward from reading more from this poet. Below is a link to When Pens Become Megaphones
text message from me to the person who inspired this poem
Maybe I was captious in thinking you wanted sex but you were really depressed and needed help I was moody and tired and couldnβt be bothered so I turned off my phone and wanted to be alone I thought it was no big deal to not get back on our idiot ferris wheel and now I hope itβs not too late and prioritizing myself wasnβt a mistake because I couldnβt stand the thought of you harming yourself be my fault
is it the devil who takes over me and makes me crazy? Or is it God punishing me for past mistakes or maybe it isnβt either And I really have fucked up genetics
I fell into the trap of βacceptanceβ not understanding I was slowly losing parts of myself for the sake of fitting in, for the sake of other people who loved to judge me accept that youβre too fat to wear that bikini accept that youβre too old to chase your dreams accept that youβre too hard to love it took me too long to figure out the acceptance of others was costing me my sanity and my self worth and I said, βfuck your opinions on who I should beβ from now on, Iβll wear whatever I want, Iβll chase my dreams, and Iβll always be worthy of loveβ
I had forgotten this poem I wrote in 2002 when I was going through something pretty hard.
Iβve fallen out of- Iβm no longer yours to- I keep trying to find the right words to tell you Iβm done with βusβ but everytime I try it all feels so inadequate and I fall under a blanket of shame and guilt and I canβt go through with it
I wrote this poem in December of 2021. I was kind of angry. Lol.
performing this poem at open mic in October of 2022
Letβs hashtag the fuck out of our imperfect perfect lives smile for the camera but make it look candid this is for instagram after all- we want to present an image of authenticity Authentic needs to look put together and balanced there can be no cracks in our suburban realities no one wants to see tears and frowns letβs continue to act like modern clowns except our lipsticks presents a false smile that hides our misery inside and letβs add a witty caption that spells out live,laugh, love and hashtags about #momlife,#gratitude, and #bestlifeever depression, sadness, and anger has no room in our modern world where we pretend to be perfectly imperfect moms and wives with these amazing and perfect lives letβs continue the facade of authenticity even as we burn inside and want to die we are not just okay but we are fucking fabulous so honey continue to smile for that selfie even as the expectations of modern womanhood continues to burn us all up
How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?
I used to think I was the poster girl for failure I’m a failure at love, I’m a failure at life, Iβm a failure at everything but all of these are thoughts of a past version of me the version of me who saw herself as a victim the version of me who took comfort in her misery in my middle age I changed that narrative I no longer see myself as a failure I see myself as a person who makes mistakes whoβs deeply flawed, who has caused pain itβs doesnβt make me a loser or a disaster It makes me a human whoβs trying her best to live her life and sometimes that doesnβt always look pretty I now see failure as stepping stone,a learning curve to continue to grow, to continue to evolve to become better and healthier than Iβve been before
What do I do with a mind that wonβt quit? It keeps me on this never ending guilt trip These racing thoughts keep me up at night And tell me write, write, write And I want it all to stop the overflowing inspiration from my muse cup But this is who I am and forever will be a bipolar and BPD me trying hard to deal with existing
in order to grow, we must lose parts of ourselves that hold us back from reaching our potential
saying goodbye to the version of me I used to be was uncomfortable and agonizing even as I lost her in parts first came the extra pounds and inches I ran off from the curvy girl who used food as comfort and for a while a stranger stared at me from the mirror as I wondered where my cleavage went or how my waistline got so small then came the spectator and the passenger I lost as I gained confidence and power in sharing my truth, in sharing my art and I became the main character and the driver of my own life finally I lost the princess who held onto others for safety, who relied on others for acceptance and love-she left on a windy October day when she conquered a phobia that haunted her for 15 years saying goodbye to the version of me I used to be was uncomfortable and agonizing but she couldnβt stay around if I wanted to grow, to evolve, to become the mother my children always deserved, to become the woman I always wanted to be
I want to be soft again and fall in love without thinking that feels like a special kind of freedom to share the burdens with someone to share the laughter with someone to share a unique kind of love with someone but my heart is locked under a fortress and I refuse to let anyone in because in all honesty I don’t think I could stand the pain again when another lover leave suddenly and I’m left again with the shards of my heart to put them back together and carry on
I canβt wait around for you to choose me Iβm losing sleeping with dread and anxiety imagining you loving her I think this needs to end soon before I lose it Iβm not made to be the βotherβwoman Iβm not meant to be a third party in anyoneβs love story
My solitude comforts me and completes me this much tranquility is a gift I thought being alone meant wearing a misery crown Instead I found serenity and calm I found a love I thought was impossible self compassion and self love fill the void within to care only for myself is a blessing And I need to stay like this for a while anything else feels too draining being alone feels like the ultimate prize in this beautiful thing called life
Existing was this never ending sorrow Existing was a βwhat the point of it allβ status Existing was a horrible and exhausting nightmare I couldnβt want to wake up from But now.. Existing is welcoming the excitement of the morning sun Existing is looking forward to my next chapter Existing is a hopeful and lovely dream Iβm currently living in