A New Diagnosis: BPD

Me at 16

It was April of 1996 and I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 3 months after he had grown distant from me. I was in a world of despair and teenage angst and longed to no longer exist. I was feeling this rush of intense sadness as I was walking home from school. I looked at the cars on the street and thought about how easy it would be to end my sadness if I got run over by one. As I was alone in my thoughts, I stopped paying attention as I crossed the street and wasn’t aware that a car was coming. It stopped within inches of hitting me and the driver honked at me and yelled at me. I continued to walk in shock of what had just happened. I didn’t know then but I would be walking into many more BPD episodes like this one.

Fast forward to the summer of 2021 and I’m 40, the mother of 3 kids, work 2 jobs, and have a complicated love life. I decide to go back to therapy due to some recent trauma and driving anxiety. I do a 3 hour assessment and when the feedback comes back, it’s there on my concept map: I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I expected the driving phobia but the new diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder was definitely unexpected.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

According to Mayo Clinic, “Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.

What are the signs and symptoms?

  • An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel
  • Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all
  • Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
  • Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

Causes for Borderline Personality Disorder:

  • Genetics.Β Some studies of twins and families suggest that personality disorders may be inherited or strongly associated with other mental health disorders among family members.
  • Brain abnormalities.Β Some research has shown changes in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, impulsivity and aggression. In addition, certain brain chemicals that help regulate mood, such as serotonin, may not function properly.

Risk Factors include:

  • Hereditary predisposition.Β You may be at a higher risk if a close relative β€” your mother, father, brother or sister β€” has the same or a similar disorder.
  • Stressful childhood.Β Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused or neglected during childhood. Some people have lost or were separated from a parent or close caregiver when they were young or had parents or caregivers with substance misuse or other mental health issues. Others have been exposed to hostile conflict and unstable family relationships.

Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

Learning about this disorder has been overwhelming and also life changing. Some of my friends didn’t think it was possible for me to have BPD because I’m too nice. I was also kind of in denial at first until I did the research and thought damn, my life finally makes sense to me. I’ve been coping with intense emotions since I could remember and have a pattern of risky and impulsive behavior and sometimes self sabotaging my own success and romantic relationships. One minute my mood can shift from happy and joyful to full on anger and sadness if I am triggered by feelings of rejection, abandonment, being criticized or judged. I also have a tendency to villainize people if I feel threatened by them. Also, when I feel like my life is “too normal” or “too boring”, I seek out an adrenaline rush and create chaos.

Throughout the years, I’ve leaned some healthy coping mechanisms like journaling, writing poetry or blogging, exercising, mediocre dancing and singing. I’ve also had some unhealthy mechanism like drinking, binge shopping, binge eating, having sex for only validation purposes. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten better with time because I’ve become more self aware of myself and my need to survive not only for my myself but also for my kids.

I’m hopeful that with this new diagnosis of BPD and therapy, I’ve have way better coping mechanisms to become a better version of myself. I’m hopeful that going on this new journey, I’ll not only be surviving but I’ll be thriving. I also hope that I heal the girl in the picture above who was a teenager trying to find love for within the arms of a any dude because she didn’t know how to love herself.

Ideas Introverts Can Implement for Improved Self-Care

by Julie Morris

Since the world is more social than ever, with connections available at every moment of the day, an introvert can quickly become burnt out. Introspective individuals like yourself need personal time to refresh and recharge, and it often requires creative ideas to carve that time out. Today, Life on the BPD presents some techniques you can implement to boost your self-care and live your best life.

 

Do a Daily Digital Detox

Just because you can be available 24/7 doesn’t mean you should be. Before smartphones and tablets, people could remain productive without having every friend and family member on demand. Train others to get used to you being unavailable at every moment by scheduling do not disturb times on your devices. Set automatic instant message and email responses for when you’re not on the clock that mentions when you can respond to messages again.

Unapologetically acknowledge your busy schedule to let people know you value them, but you give each assignment your undivided attention. Set at least a half-hour daily to disconnect from all devices and social media for the sake of your mental health.

Use Breathing Exercises

Henry Ford Health notes that a few minutes for a breathing break can be all you need to recalibrate your mind and body during overwhelming moments. Try pursed lip breathing to calm your mind and lessen stress. Diaphragmatic breathing can help you to fall asleep and manage your nervous system. The lion’s breath technique is useful for invigorating yourself when you feel exhausted.

Change Your Mattress

We all know how vital a good night’s rest can be when it comes to helping us recharge to face the next day’s challenge, but sometimes, that’s easier said than done. Luckily, you can greatly improve your sleep quality with a mattress – especially if you haven’t changed yours in ages! Here are some top-rated options that make the most of modern technology to give you a sleep solution that’s impossible to beat.

 

Keep Things Tidy

Cleaning and decluttering your home can be an incredibly effective way to reduce stress and improve living spaces. Having a neat, organized space can help reduce anxiety as it allows for better concentration and focus. Additionally, getting rid of excess clutter can make your space feel fresher and lighter. This allows for better air circulation, creating more positive energy in the space.

Decluttering also helps reduce distractions in the environment, promoting a calmer atmosphere that leads to better clarity of thought and focus. Cleaning up also gives you an opportunity to destress by focusing on tasks that don’t require a lot of mental stimulation. In conclusion, cleaning and decluttering your home can be helpful for reducing anxiety and ushering out negative energy from the environment.

Establish Personal Boundaries

Establishing boundaries with your time is crucial for productivity, overall well-being, and healthy relationships. Without setting limits and prioritizing your time, it’s easy to become overwhelmed and fall into a cycle of stress and burnout, especially if you are an introvert.

By intentionally setting aside time for work, self-care, and relationships, you can create a balance that allows you to be more present and efficient in all aspects of your life. Boundaries can look different for different people. Perhaps you limit time with certain friends or family members who rub you the wrong way, or you cut toxic people out of your life.

You can also use technology to provide buffers, like a video doorbell that allows you to screen visitors or security cameras you can check to ensure your pesky neighbor isn’t outside when you leave for your run. If you encounter any technical glitches, look online for free troubleshooting resources first in order to avoid yet another social encounter with a repair person. Fortunately, many of these small glitches can be handled quickly and easily with a little guidance.

Start Gardening

Creating your own private paradise offers many benefits. Thrive Global points out that emotional and physical health benefits from regular immersion in fresh air. Getting on your hands and knees or working with tools to cultivate the earth provides needed movement. Caring for plants reinforces the value of self-care and promotes calm, concentration, and creativity.

Begin a Fitness Program

Physical activity gives you the energy to endure moments of stress and can stave off depression and worry. Make room for exercise in your weekly plan. Even if you have a lot of work taking up your time, you can find unique ways to add some movement to your day. Forgo the elevator and use the stairs. Go for a walk or a bike ride during your lunch break. If you work in a walkable area, make it a point to walk to get your daily coffee or set up a lunch meeting at a location that you can walk to.

If you have your own office and can’t physically go outside for a walk or ride, put up a “Do not disturb” sign and set up a piece of exercise equipment with virtual software and apps to take a trip through new and exciting areas.

Make a Career Adjustment

Don’t continue with employment that saps your energy and is unrewarding. If possible, start your own business to guarantee that you’re involved in an industry and service that is fulfilling and helpful to others. Identify your strengths and market opportunities to determine where you can provide a unique offering.

However, be aware that starting your own business also means carrying your own health insurance. Fortunately, there are discounted plans available through state-specific programs that were implemented because of the Affordable Care Act. Check out your options before you dive into entrepreneurship so you aren’t left without the ability to care for your physical and mental health.

Once you decide to move forward with your business, you’ll need to spend time developing a robust marketing campaign. Your creativity can help distinguish you from the competition and create a brand identity. In addition to spreading the word via social media, broaden your customer base through some old fashioned approaches like putting up posters. To save money, design a custom poster all by yourself using these free templates that you can customize as needed.

Care for Your Mental and Physical Health

Believe it or not, it’s impossible to thrive as an introvert in this overly connected world. Work time into your schedule to break away, spend some time decluttering and cleaning your home, change up your mattress to improve your sleep quality, proudly promote your work, and care for your mind and body so you can remain joyful and healthy.

Life on the BPD is here to help you survive and even thrive in the face of trauma. Please scroll down to find our comment form.

Photo via Pexels

Poetry: Potential

I wrote this poem in July of 2022.

y me viste de Reina

I used to water my roots with the supposed love of others
their compliments, their energy made me whole
but eventually they’d tired of being my water, my earth
my everything and leave
And I was left once again incomplete-
until one day I learned to water my roots with my tears,
my strength, my self-love
And now my growth and potential are infinite

poetry:magic

Aqui esta la version en espaΓ±ol:

Poesia: PodrΓ­a Ser

I’m not the woman of your dreams or the woman you’ll worship as a deity
or the woman who accommodates and bends according to your needs
but I’m the woman who’ll haunt you with the β€œwhat ifs”,
I’m the woman who’ll fuel your creativity,
I’m the woman who’ll make you believe magics exists

Poetry: Insecure

Aqui esta la version en espaΓ±ol :

Poesia: Demaciado Sencilla

you told me I’m not wife material
so you dropped me like I was nothing
but not before you took me to your bed a few times
but not before filling my head with the illusion
that you wanted a future with me-
Are you sick in the head?
Is this how you always operate?
Finding an insecure girl to get your primal needs met
and later on dropping them like a bad habit

Poetry: Gift

I wrote this poem in July of 2022.

I’m the gift that keeps on giving ….hahaha

If you inspire me consider it a gift
it means you’ve made an impact on me
sure my words may feel angry
but that’s just me processing
because I have the most painful mental illness
and writing angry poems is how I deal with it
if you become my muse I must have felt something for you
could be hate or love
if you’re lucky, it’s both
that means you’ll be bestowed with endless poetry about you

letting go

Daily writing prompt
What could you let go of, for the sake of harmony?

I used to live in a world full of regret, sorrow, and resentment
until I no longer wanted to live in misery
so I let go of everything and everyone that didn’t serve me
and held onto everything and everyone who helped me grow
and now I’ve blossomed with love, with purpose and for once
I’m full of happiness, calm, and serenity
And I finally feel free to love my life,
to love who I’ve become

Poetry: Clown

I wrote this poem in July of 2022.

I cloak myself in compassion and empathy with family and friends
but when it comes to myself-
I criticize and judge and tell myself I’m not worth it
But it’s time to turn this narrative around
I’m done, done, done
with being a self-loathing clown
and using self-deprecating humor doesn’t help me
it hinders my creativity and stops me
from unlocking the potential within

Poetry: The Volcano

I wrote this poem in June of 2022.

me in June of 2022-I was feeling fiery that day

The volcano that lived inside of me
is ready to erupt and about to ruin everything
my explosive anger cannot be reigned in
this intensity is a consequence of my BPD
and it will cause my lover to flee
the lava of me will make him wary
and once again, I’m left
in the desolate land of lonely
wishing away the volcano inside of me

The Highway

Daily writing prompt
Describe one of your favorite moments.
me in January when I wrote this poem

Consorting with this newfound empowerment is overwhelming and lonely at times
I finally understand that never again do I have to depend on a man for anything-
and I breathe a huge sigh of relief
I no longer use them to determine my worth based on whether any of them
pay attention to me
I no longer use them for validation and no longer make myself small
for their ego
I now determined my own self worth and this is the moment I’ve been waiting for
since the age of 15

Poetry: But wait, don’t go

I wrote this poem in June of 2022.

me in June of 2022

Could you spare me some validation and affection,
so I can feel like a real person?
I thrive on the love and attention of lovers
I don’t know how to feel whole or enough by myself
And admitting it is so embarrassing
But wait, don’t go…
Fuck it! I’m done with this life of dishonesty
here comes my brutal truth-sorry if it bothers you
but I’m done reigning it in for the comfort of others
I’m clingy and melodramatic with emotional warts and all
and even though my truth scares off everybody
At least now I’m free to embrace and love the real me

Poetry: But I did warn you

I wrote this poem in June of 2022.

me in June of 2022

I warn potential lovers about me
about how crazy I can be
about how I fall in love easily
but they never seem to listen
and fill me up with adoration
and don’t proceed with caution
Instead I’m placed on a pedestal
Where they professed their love
That’s when I feel the pressure
of being everything they want
So they think I’m really the one
and their love will last long
but eventually I break down
in my emotions I start to drown
They’ll say, I thought you were healed
You’re so damn crazy
They see me as an atrocity
And once again I’m tragically crushed
By another temporary and fickle love
Who can’t handle me at my worst

Driving Phobia

Daily writing prompt
What fears have you overcome and how?
October 2021

Driving phobia filled me with shame and fear for 15 years
and on a windy October day,I took my power back
that day I learned not to listen to my inner critic
rambling on about my incompetence, feeding into my anxiety
and my constant insecurities
that day I took the keys and drove
and while it was absolutely terrifying
it provided me with the understanding
how I had the power all along
to take the steering wheel of my life
with a new determination and purpose
to never again allow myself or others
make me a passenger again
it had been a role I had long ago outgrown
that I had been afraid to let go of
but that day I said β€œfuck it, it’s now or never”
and I took a chance on myself
and never felt more empowered

Legacy

Daily writing prompt
What is the legacy you want to leave behind?

me in January performing this poem

I’m used to being the ultimate pushover-
allowing the energy of others to pollute
my energy and take up my time
It was the people pleaser in me who needed to fawn
be easy to get along with and always avoiding conflict,
I’d become the person they’d want me to be,
cutting away pieces of my authenticity-
I’d become easy to digest and swallow
I never valued myself or put myself first
It was learned martyrdom from the women in my family
Internalized misogyny sold to me at a young age
dressed up as selfless acts of love
but I’m done sacrificing myself for others
It’s time to unlearn this toxic way of loving and being
I refuse to pass this down to the next generation
of woman who come after me
I’m here to take up space, roar like a lioness
and pass down a new legacy of self love
that took me 41 years too long to discover