we could have been friends but you ruined it by crossing my boundaries by showing your unhealthy attachment to me saying you’ll wait for me to change my mind acting like I’m a challenge to take on seeing me as an objection of your affection, a pretty girl to jack off to so I was left with no choice but to block you from my universe if you can’t respect my “no” and listen to me when I’m assertive about it I’m sorry it’s not me, it’s definitely you and you can no longer have access to me maybe upon a time I thought I needed you to validate me, to make me feel sexy but now I see you were just a temporary fix to give me confidence and when I saw how unhealthy this was I tried my best to be honest with you let it be known that I’m not here for any sexual or romantic energy but you didn’t take me seriously and now we can’t even be friends we are far better off as strangers
“I should have known it was strange, you only come out at night”- Olivia Rodrigo
I never paid much attention to where I put my body I never really cared as long as my sexual needs were met as long it was called sexy but this habit hurt me over and over again Until one day I was trapped and couldn’t breathe and I watched my body from afar being desecrated by the person who claimed to love me after that day- I grew protective of my precious body ran away from anyone who might hurt it my body is too much of a masterpiece for me to allow it to ever be defiled and disrespected in the name of “love”
me with my emotionally supportive squad who helped me fill out my divorce paperwork- Shoutout to Meg, who took tacos for payment as she filled out most of it and gave me advice…
you’re my small town I’ve outgrown but am afraid to leave no one seems to understand this they’re concerned you’re holding me back they’re concerned staying with you stiffens my dreams and while I know they want what’s best for me and I agree with most of what they say How do I explain to them, it’s more complicated than I’ve made it out to be while you are hard to live with life without you feels almost empty and while it’s the right thing to do to end our marriage so we can move forward as a family it’s still hard to imagine a beginning without you
I called you a villain in my book of lust and love I never saw your humanity I never understood how I played my part in our chaotic and dysfunctional story of love Instead it was easier to blame you over and over again It was easier to play the victim rather than try to accept you as the imperfect human that you are Rather than to see how you never wanted a “we; rather than to accept you just wanted someone sometimes to not feel so lonely
you love me anxious,insecure, and a hot mess and love to add fuel to my insecurities and fears to keep me with you, to control me and I try and try to break out of this toxic codependency tied up in a box of good intentions with your excuse that you know what’s best for me when it’s holding me back from realizing my potential from becoming the most powerful version of myself it makes me wonder did you ever really love me or did you choose me on purpose to build up your ego?
My lack of common sense left being me loyal to people who never deserved it..
Our story needed to end and today feels like the definitive ending You’ll never give me the consistency in love I need And I’ll never birth the baby you wanted We’re too different, we’re too alike and I sarcastically and constantly ask myself “are we having fun yet” Sometimes we did but most of the time I never understood where I stood So block me and , forget me You’ll never be enough for me and I’ll never be enough for you
me and my boys-one of the major reasons I’m determined to be the strongest and most empowered woman in their lives
Our children pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves I noticed when my son’s heart broke for the first time and it awakened a deep catharsis within me I would no longer hold onto my victim story the one where I tell myself, “I’m worthless, I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable” Instead I’ll walk with confidence and all of the self love I can muster up for myself maybe just maybe if I can model this type of healthy behavior the cycle of generational self loathing and self destruction will finally be broken And my children has a chance of living a life filled with more joy and contentment than mental illness
She wants to stop loving him but everything in her refuses to do so
She doesn’t want to miss him but her body aches for him
He inspires a war within herself and just when she thinks she’s won the war and they are done-finite-over He comes back to her with a 2 word text and she lets him back in
The sweetness of life has me on a euphoric high where everything and everyone is wonderful where nothing or noone can bring me down And I feel like a goddess, a bad bitch, a Queen I live for moments like this where happiness is my best friend But then the sourness of life happens and I’m brought down to a hell of depression and despair Where I hate everything and everyone Where everything weighs me down and I’m losing my mind And I feel worthless, crazy and like a selfish bitch
“I can’t recall the last time I was kissed”-Lizzy McAlpine
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
With my last rock bottom, I learned many things I learned about the power of my strength and resilience I learned how to be truly alone I learned about self-love and how to feel enough And I learned how maybe love isn’t for me and all of these things were hard for me to learn But after my last rock bottom I came out a different person A person who understands herself better A person who stopped apologizing for who she is and is no longer afraid to be herself
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/
april 1st-me on the first day of the challenge
I wasn’t able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.
me in Peru last year…experiencing the poetry of nature instead of writing about it
I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year. Here’s that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708 So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is I’ve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and I’ve even written some funny stuff. Here’s one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:
I got to perform this at a variety show this month and got serenaded after by a zoomer-lol
Another thing I noticed is that I’m getting better at telling a story through my poetry and here’s an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:
this was one of my most vulnerable and favorite poems
I will admit that not all of my poems were “good poems” and I’ll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and that’s what I posted in my blog. This shows I’m growing as a writer as I’m editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons I’ve grown as a writer is because I’ve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know I’ve said so many times, “I write for myself primarily” and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I don’t think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think I’m just growing as a writer who aims to become better.
I’m so good at documenting those moments
My advice to anyone who’s thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you don’t have to post it if you don’t want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, I’m thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge. I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again I’m better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.
Can I blame the morning rain for making me crazy yesterday it’s like I lost all of my emotional regulation skills and I had to constantly struggle to reign my anger in To not key my annoying coworker’s car To not drive off somewhere and never come back but HEY I still managed to get through the day and not rage quit
mis rivales siempre son rubias quizas sera porque ellas se dejan manipular o porque a mis exes les dan paz mientras aunque yo trato de ser tranquila como ellas siempre fracaso porque soy una loba feroz en realidad nunca fui o seré una oveja que se deja dominar
almost cried out anger today but instead went for a drive a good choice for me and who I wanted to kill blasted my music and screamed “I fucking hate white women” they seem to be a thorn in my side all the fucking time focusing on my mistakes and snitching to my boss pretending to be friend never apologizing when they hurt me constantly trying to bring me down trying to make me feel less than and while I hate how much they affect me at least today I’m grateful that today my hatred for them inspired me to write this poem
Life on the BPD 